Bored with life

So I was thinking, is this really what my life has been reduced to....waiting on SSI just surviving and going through the motions without really living. Trapped by symptoms or the fear of symptoms hitting me at bad times so then I end up staying cooped up thinking if I go do that then my symptoms will interfere, or I wont be able to handle it...well maybe those things are true and the symptoms would cause problems and i wouldn't be able to handle it.

But I am sick of living life this way, I want to say screw you symptoms and just go find my own way to get money either a job or some other legitimate means. I know very well I can easily get burnt out and dysfunctional when I push myself too hard or try and do everything I want in spite of any symptoms but I'm 23 not 103 so maybe I can handle a few more burn outs even if it does destroy me......but then again to live is to die regardless of how one lives their life.

I am sick of waiting on SSI but if I ditch the process now I will have to start it all over again if I can't figure something else out....but if I keep waiting I may still get denied and have to figure something else out anyways just don't know what to do with that...part of me says I shouldn't be applying for help from a system I don't trust.

I don't see any problem with looking around while you're waiting; then you might have more irons in the fire if you get denied. They aren't interested in what you are doing right now, they're reviewing the paperwork, etc. and if you got something you enjoyed going now, you could ditch the SSI or not, whatever, I don't see you ditching the process now, looking around. Just don't overdo it. Look for volunteer jobs that might be interesting or let you learn new skill/keep practicing skills you have or little sorts of jobs/ideas for jobs for after you do/do not get SSI, etc. It won't be enough to really live on, SSI, will just "help" and will be reviewed periodically, etc. anyway, so at 23, nothing lost by seeing if you can't cobble something better together.

I agree with Perna. Plus I think you're fearing your symptoms before they even appear! You're shooting yourself in the foot! If you're NOT having any symptoms, then FORGET about them. Don't even think about them. Chances are they won't even bother you. It's the fact that you're obsessing about them that screws you up.

Go and volunteer somewhere while you're waiting. Find something that interests you. Do anything that keeps you occupied -- but get OUT of the house! You've got to do something other than just vegetating. And chances are, you won't have ANY symptoms at all, as long as you don't dwell on them. It might take some practice, but just don't think about it.

I wish you the very best. Please take care & keep us posted. Hugs, Lee

Intellegent Risk taking will cheer you up, and give you confidence. Some therapy will help too!

I don't think receiving SSI shuts all other doors forever. Ideally it should give you a little breathing space and allow you to explore other possibilities.
I hope you get it and that the security gives you the opportunity to look at other options that may be out there.

Hellion,

It does get very tiring and depressing just sitting around and waiting to be approved for SSI. I think that volunteering some time to a cause close to your heart and within your abilities will help the time pass a bit faster.

SSI is a relief, yes. But, the income is considered to be extremely low. Income is closely monitored throughout, so you aren't going on vacations and "living high on the hog". County assistance is generally still a necessity to help buy groceries, to make it through these long months. There are also meal charities ~ some are more fruitful than others.

I'm not trying to scare you. I just want you to understand that when a person is approved for SSI, things aren't much easier. Some aspects are easier, thankfully! But lots of pain in the rump complications pop up with government assistance as well. Re-applying for assistance year after year with the county, and apartment building, seeing your local social worker every 6-12 months to renew their paperwork, etc. {In case you hadn't noticed, I abhor all of the freaking paperwork!}

But, you do what you have to do. Just wanted you to have realistic expectations, Hellion. Gentle hugs to you.

I do have symptoms and they do bother me, but I still want to live my life. My point wasn't really that i was obsessing just I get anxious about losing control and ending up at my worst in which case I usually get suicidal...but it doesn't always happen so I don't really want to feel like I have to avoid living my life over that. But even when I am doing alright I still do have symptoms they just don't overwhelm me quite as much.

But yeah even when I am doing anything but thinking about it, the symptoms still hit me. I guess I need to find a good balance between living my life and making sure I pace myself so I don't get too overwhelmed and unstable. I do get out of the house as much as I can, can't really stand not doing so.