I can't tell her.

I was brought up to be a gentleman, manners and courtesy. We never talked about "feelings" growing up, being the middlish of the siblings, I found I was the one that everyone depended on, leant on and talked to. Whether this is the reason I find myself being an emotional person I don't know. I never really learned how to discuss me. So everything I did, focused on everyone else. All my feelings, what I wanted never got talked about. In relationships it was and is me that capitulates. If the mood doesn't strike, if it's Thursday, if the wind is blowing from the south, then it's me that changes my plans or change what I need.

There are days when I just want to SCREAM NO!!!!!!! But the way I was raised, the way I am tells me not to. Everything I feel, that I can't tell to anyone just stays inside, my head is full. I want to tell people what I want, what I need; but when I do the words never leave my mouth and nothing changes. I know I can't keep it inside, I know it has to come out, but where? How can I tell them what I want, when they need the opposite.

Hi! I can understand that you are reacting the way you were taught growing up, but I don't think a relationship is healthy if one person always has to be the one to give in. As you see, it can lead to feelings of anger and resentment.

I suggest you talk to a therapist about your situation and maybe even role play telling other people what you want and need. You might want to ask if a relationship is a good one, too, if you and the other person are constantly needing the opposite things.

Learn to ASK. It never hurts to ask. Ask for what you want. If they say NO, at least you got an answer, and your a little more knowlegable.

She has done things to me that I didn't know could happen to a person. Before I met her, I was less. It's hard to explain, I can see a change within me, feel the change within me. She was the first person I was able to be myself with, that I was able to open up to. I found myself talking to her about things that I was never able to bring up to anyone. I found myself telling her things that I could not thought about in years, and I found myself finding things out about her she had not told anyone. When we talked, there was no limit to what was spoken, there was never any judgement about what was said, there was just openness and friends.

When I am with her, I feel different. I feel less on edge, less unsure about some things, more confident in others, but unworthy of her love. I don't say that in a bad way. She is strong, independent, smart, and also suffers from BPD. Me, I am normal. I don't feel special in anyway. But is that me or just the thoughts in my head?

I know I am a better person with her friendship and love. If I ask, I feel like I am putting pressure on her. I don't want to put pressure on her, she has had a lot happen to her and a lot going on in her life, adding stress to it isn't a good thing. Maybe this could be something that I can bring up when we talk.