[1970sbaby]

Hi everyone

I am writing today because I am trying to figure out if my feelings are normal, or I am I just a bad person. I have not seen or spoken to my mother or brother in about 15 years and have no desire to. People ask me about my family and I tells them taht my dad is no longer alive and I have no idea where my mother and brother. They ask me if i know where they are and why I do not try to find them, and I tell them that I have no idea where they are and they could be 10 feet under as far as i am concerned. People gasp when I say that and say that I do not mean it but I do. After all the abuse that they put me through, I want nothing to do with them. Am I a bad person.....is this normal???? PLEASE HEP!!!!

[winter4me]

If you are comfortable with your choice, then you can just say that you have not maintained contact and do not wish to because the relationships were not good for you.
Why do you question yourself? What about not contacting your family would make you "bad"? I think, when you say, essentially, that they could be dead for all you care, it is the anger that people feel and respond to....maybe you need to feel sad that you don't have family you Want to contact...
Is it the anger you can't let go of? Or the pain? Is your life better now, without them? Even when you leave a family, it is hard not to carry them with you in some way...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by 1970sbaby

Hi everyone

I am writing today because I am trying to figure out if my feelings are normal, or I am I just a bad person. I have not seen or spoken to my mother or brother in about 15 years and have no desire to. People ask me about my family and I tells them taht my dad is no longer alive and I have no idea where my mother and brother. They ask me if i know where they are and why I do not try to find them, and I tell them that I have no idea where they are and they could be 10 feet under as far as i am concerned. People gasp when I say that and say that I do not mean it but I do. After all the abuse that they put me through, I want nothing to do with them. Am I a bad person.....is this normal???? PLEASE HEP!!!!

You are asking several questions, essentialy (in bold above).

Are you a bad person? No - that part is easy.

Is this normal? That depends how you define "normal". If you define normal as some "statistical average", then it is not normal - a lot of people who have suffered through abuse still maintain contact with the perpetrator-relatives, not necessarily because they want to, but because it is logistically impossible not to (they live in the same household still), or because the victims of abuse do not want to go against the social norms of staying in some sort of contact with the relatives throughout your life, or just "because". A minority of abused people actually cut out all contact. If, however, you define "normal" as "healthy", then you should look inwards to find the answer. To check yourself against some sort of statistical average, you can ask around, but to define what is healthy for YOU, you need to look inwards.

[Thunder Bow]

Aoo' your anger is Normal. However if you can get a deeper understanding of your family, through therapy, you will feel much better.

[happiedasiy]

Originally Posted by 1970sbaby

Hi everyone

I am writing today because I am trying to figure out if my feelings are normal, or I am I just a bad person. I have not seen or spoken to my mother or brother in about 15 years and have no desire to. People ask me about my family and I tells them taht my dad is no longer alive and I have no idea where my mother and brother. They ask me if i know where they are and why I do not try to find them, and I tell them that I have no idea where they are and they could be 10 feet under as far as i am concerned. People gasp when I say that and say that I do not mean it but I do. After all the abuse that they put me through, I want nothing to do with them. Am I a bad person.....is this normal???? PLEASE HEP!!!!

First I would tell you NO You are NOT a BAD person!
Then I would say no it is not normal to feel this way, however, You are unique. I am in no way normal! I never will be but I do look in the mirror and like myself. It took a long time for me to undo all hurt, pain, and imprints put upon me. To come to a place of my truth.
Your words say it all.

It is not healthy for you to be angry and bitter.
You can leave family behind and stay on your own if that is what keeps you safe. Sometimes people are so toxic distance/silence is golden.

You need validation and healing, therapy would really help.

Past abuse disguises who you are. You are a good person who has been through a terrible past, and it sounds like you have been in a survivors state of mind for 15 years. Take some time to place the blame where it belongs and start working on recognizing the person you are today!
.
I am glad to meet you and know that you are not the only one who feels this way. There are some great people here at pc who have simular trajic past and are all working our way to balance and peace.

H.

[Catn'cat]

No, you are definitely not a bad person. Abuse comes in many ways, and it is so difficult to deal with, especially when the abusers are your parents. We are supposed (conditioned) to love out parents, and if we don't, we feel guilty and not "normal". I, too have a lot of anger and resentment toward my parents. They are both dead, so no repairs could be made. Try to get away from anger, it only drains energy and leads to depression. I'm seeing an excellent therapist, hope you, too,can start moving forward! Tough road, I keep falling, anger is what trips me up. Oh, if people gasp and go into shock - that is their problem! Here, there are a lot of us who understand! All he best to you.!

I would say, you are normal person. But, try to forgive them and forgive yourself too. This will make you comfortable talking about them when others pick the topic.
You don't have to meet them or know about them if you don't feel like it.

[kaliope]

I know exactly where you are coming from. I disowned my family as well. I suffered PTSD as a result of childhood abuse and it was thru cutting off contact that I finally began to heal. When I chose to no longer participate in the lies and dysfunction, my symptoms began to go away and now years later, I am symptom free. Because of my childhood, I don't form attachments, so it was easy to let go without any guilt. My own family judges me for it of course, but I did what was best for my mental health. as long as you work thru the trauma issues surrounding the abuse, I see nothing bad about cutting off contact with your abusers. I for one, consider it healthy. who needs ongoing trauma/drama in their life.