[gnat]

Ever since I remember I have had this place inside of myself in which I would retreat when I simply couldn't take it anymore. It's a quiet place, without emotion, it's cold and dark, but I don't care. I feel I am tucked in the back of someone else's body, observing their motions through life, but I am not a part of it. There have been times I've retreated so far in that I actually feel I am outside of myself, looking down on my life, observing while not actually paying attention or caring.

My husband hates when I retreat to this place. Although I still can function through life while there, my actions are slower, there's less purpose, my affect is flat, my sense of humor withers away, i am non-present. He begs, no insists, I snap out of it. I can at will, although if I spend too much time there I lose myself and have a difficult time staying out, retreating frequently and fighting to get out. It can actually be frightening, feeling sucked in like that, which is why I try not to go there.

These past couple weeks have been the hardest i have had in a very long time. I have found myself trying to retreat to that place within, not caring if I ever make it out, but I cannot find it. I am still withdrawn, I have to work hard not to be and it is incredibly exhausting, but I can't become the emotionless observer I once was. This place between is the worst. Where i can not enjoy life, I have to fight to participate, I am drained, everything seems hopeless, yet I am required to feel everything. I guess they call the place between "depression." I really hate this place. I need to find my way out.

And yes, I know, you all think I should go see my therapist..

[Leed]

So you DO have a therapist? Don't YOU think you should see him? I'm sure you've heard the saying "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional." You don't HAVE to keep suffering, if you don't want to. I think a visit or three to your therapist would help immensely.

From what you describe, it sounds pretty awful to me! I don't think I'd want to be in a sort of "limbo" like that. Nor would I want to be "non-present!" That would be very frightening to me, as I'd be afraid I'd never get back. And that's very possible when you're dealing with mental illness.

Please see your therapist. I think you know that's what should be done, my friend. And I know sometimes we just don't WANT to do it, but know we should. Please make the call, okay? And know we're with you 100%. In many ways, we've been where you are. God bless and please let us know how things turn out, will you? Hugs, Lee

[Piraeus]

Hi Messedinthehead. Sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time right now.
PC is a safe place to share. Feel free to open up as much as you like. I too have a special place that I go to when I'm not feeling good. It helps to get outside of yourself. My place is not dark. It is pure white. I can choose how and when I am going to interact with my special place.

I suggest you see a pdoc and get meds for your depression. You can also see your family doctor for that too. I'm going to give you some links to areas you might find useful.

Depression - Forums at Psych Central
Anxiety, Panic and Phobias - Forums at Psych Central
Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central
Steps to Better Self-Esteem - Forums at Psych Central

I hope these help you.

Sincerely,

Piraeus

[gnat]

Leed, no I said that because every time i post someone says I should see my therapist and I'm tired of hearing it. I put this in another post, but will place it here as well. This is why I don't have a therapist:

I have never tried therapy, for multiple reasons. My work history includes working as a mental health counselor. Although now I push paperwork, I remain in the field and continue to work with other mental health professionals and attend conferences. Part of me is afraid I would run into former or future coworkers or clients in the office or run into my therapist at conferences. (Ethically they couldn't approach me in public, but I wouldn't feel comfortable).

I would also find myself over-analyzing their techniques and would likely end up trying to turn the table, trying to become the therapist rather than the patient.

Another thing- one reason my friend (My former outlet, this friend is gone now) was great is he was always available. Sure he didn't respond right away, but if I was having an anxiety attack I would quick send an email, if only a couple lines. Just typing it out was a great comfort and if I hadn't calmed down before he responded, I always did when I heard from him. I need to find a way to deal with my anxiety when it hits me, not 3pm on Thursday, every other week.

I also have financial concerns and work/family issues. My job requires me to get my daily work done, even if I take PTO. In order to leave early for therapy, I would have to come in early. I already come in at 6am and I need time to sleep. I have to get home on time to get my kids from daycare as my husband and I juggle our work schedules with daycare by having me go in early and getting them from school/daycare and he goes in late to get them off to school/daycare.

I also can't stand the thought of having to pay someone to listen to me. How much would that stink? Now, I cared about my clients and liked about 3/4 of them, but I was only there for them when I had that job and I moved on when it was convenient for me, and although I still think from time to time about some I particularly liked, I will never be there for them again. I have issues with over attaching and I fear rejection. I don't want to work with a therapist for as long as is convenient with them, grow to rely on them, and then have them leave. I'm not putting myself through that again. Even here on psych central as I make friends I will be keeping them at a certain distance in any private conversations, keeping my deepest issues for whomever should come by a public post, not to dump on one specific person as I don't want to over attach.

[gnat]

Piraeus- Thank you. I have decided to give myself some time to mourn as I don't want to end up over-medicated because i am dealing with crisis. Yes, the reactions I have to stress are not normal, but mourning is normal. I have a date penciled in on the calender at which time if I'm still stuck in limbo I will talk to the pdoc.

[winter4me]

I wonder, have you tried learning to meditate or do yoga? What I am thinking is that it is a healthy way to "retreat", one that others won't criticize you for, and you may find that you have many places to "go" in there. It is also relaxing; and if you plan for, say, 20min twice a day, you may be able to develop a pattern----I don't think you want to totally give up that inside place, just make it a good place to go that is acceptable and healing. (I know, there are times it just "happens"---if you know your triggers you could work on getting a little ahead of them also)----just an idea. Talk isn't always the answer....And, good for you for having a date to talk to pdoc if needed.
I know what you mean about the "between" being worse, it is painful to be pulled in two directions at once with all the responsibilities and relationships to deal with.
Especially when someone, however well intentioned, reacts negatively to a defense mechanism you developed so early. Then again, sometimes those mechanisms work better when we are young and have little control over our lives, and begin to plague us and others as we grow and move away from the original source/need...
hugs to you. {just an aside, i have spent years in the mental health and health field and have indeed had therapists and docs who know me and my work---and who have known me as a client, and a co-worker....a long time ago it was strange but now it just is----my pcp knows more about my work life and history than I do....and, after years, some of these people actually began to ask my opinion privately of others in the field, and I began to learn quite a bit about them personally...as I get older, and they begin to retire, I realize that it was a kind of support that I will miss....}

[Thunder Bow]

It is OK to "retreat". It sounds like you need to. Now it is time to furnish that place with sunlight and adventure, and good feelings. No need to keep it so dark!