[me2001]

I feel like a waste of air, time, and use. i feel it is abusive to be like this around my family.

Of course, before you commit me for saying those words(most of us worry about being institutionalized after a doctor says, be honest bc i am here to help).

Has anyone felt the guilt and frustration of holding your family and spouse back or down? "if..." that is my most destructive words.

If... i could just clean house like a normal woman
If... I coud show my husband he is number 1
If... I coud be there to pick my kids up from school and help them with their homework at 6pm instead of 8pm.
If... I could just stop thinking negatively for a moment...
If,.. i never married him how much better he would be.
If... i didn't insist on having a 2nd child maybe i could fix this .
If... my family stopped judging and started relating.
If... I could just be normal...

[Phreak]

Yes I've felt guilty and it doesn't help. It is normal though.

When I was really seriously depressed at 16/17 my mum was constantly blaming me for her own unhappiness. I always remember the time that she told me that she was going to the doctors because I'd made her depressed; you cannot imagine the satisfaction I felt when she came back from the doctors having been told she wasn't depressed, she was just unhappy.

I finished with my first real gf after we'd been together for a few years because I knew I was relapsing and didn't think it5 be fair on her. In hindsight it was selfish rather the gallent act I imagined it to be.

I'm currently in a relationship where I feel utterly useless as most of the time I barely have the motivation to get out of bed. My gf tends to do all the chores which I constantly feel guilry for.

Ultimately people who love you will help as much as they are able. The only person you are truly a burden to is yourself.

Allow yourself the freedom to accept who you are and the state that you're in, only then will you be able to move forwards.

Phreak

[Leed]

I've felt exactly as you do, and I thought I was going over the "edge" at one point. It got so bad, that I signed myself into a mental hospital for a couple of weeks, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

When we're not well, we have to DO something about it. You need to see your doctor so he can refer you to a good therapist! Having depression as you do is an ILLNESS --- it's just like having diabetes or something. There's no shame in mental illness. It's not like it used to be where they put a stigma on it. If you ask me, everyone on earth should see a therapist at one time or another -- we ALL have problems! NO one is free from issues.

See your doctor, my friend and get a referral to a good therapist. If you can't afford therapy or if you don't have insurance to cover it, he can put you on an antidepressant. Now, please don't tell me you don't want to take medications for depression -- it's NO DIFFERENT than taking meds for diabetes or any OTHER illness!!! Depression many times is caused by the chemicals in our brain -- the hormones & chemicals get out of whack or are completely lacking and have to be replaced by the anti-depressants! Without the medication you will NOT get well, regardless of what you do!

See your doctor, okay? He'll take care of you. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[spondiferous]

I can see you have only a few posts, so...welcome to PC.
I have also felt what you're describing. In fact, I still slip into it on occasion, and whenever I share what's going on with someone in my life they act with compassion and let me know that it is distorted thinking on my behalf and that I have a very special place in their lives that can only be filled by me. I didn't grow up hearing that though, so I still have a hard time believing it.
I remember something an ex (whom I loved very much) used to say to me. We were together for 6 and a half years and in that time I went back and forth, breaking up with him, clinging desperately, breaking up, snatching him back. And I remember one time I finally just realized the harm I was causing and I resigned in myself and said, Y'know what, I can't do this to you anymore. We cannot be together. It's not fair to you. And he said, It's not your place to decide what's right for me. I will make my own decisions.
It's true. It's not our place to decide for other people. It doesn't mean we don't or can't have feelings of our own about the situation. But it's not our place to manipulate, caretake or assume responsibility for other people's feelings or perceptions of us. Most of the time the only one who feels the way about us that we do is...us. Improper parenting, bad messaging, poor attachment, lots of childhood issues or losses can cause this. It's not your fault. You owe it to yourself to try to give yourself the best life possible, and it sounds like you may in fact suffer from depression, and probably anxiety as well. I'm not a doctor; I just relate to a lot of what you're describing. Couldn't hurt to talk to someone about it. And in the meantime you've got us.