[henrydavidtherobot]

I'm sobbing and holding off a panic attack and I'm alone and I don't have anyone here to calm me if I have one and I have no medication.

I'm having a bit of an STI scare. A couple months back, I was very drunk and high (I don't usually smoke) and I was taken advantage by a guy I didn't know. I consented, but I was very drunk. I made him wear a condom both times, but due to the shadiness of the encounter I'm not sure if it was 100% safe. Now, I had a UTI a 2 weeks ago that cleared up with antibiotics. Now I'm having breakthrough bleeding on BC. Its a new pill that similar to my old one and I missed a pill two days ago, but I'm still skeptical. I'm going to get tested on Monday to be sure. I've never done something like this in my life.

I can't handle STI scares. I always assume I have something even though I practice safe sex. Last year, I was so scared that I had HIV (despite a neg result) that I spent 6 hours a day looking up stats on transmissions while crying and panicking. Eventually, it got so bad that I had to take 6 xanax a day to get through until I got my result.

Since the encounter, I've been seeing a wonderful man. He's gone for the summer, but I am hoping that we will be together in the fall. I'm so afraid that I have something and may have passed it on and he won't want me anymore.

I know that bad choices have bad consequences. I teach Sex Ed. I just can't handle this hook up. I was so out of it. He pulled me out of a crowd and dragged me along with another friend while I was sleeping all the way to my house. I feel so objectified and disrespected. It brought up a ton of triggers about my past rapes. The guy who helped drag me home went around the follow day telling everyone about how he helped me get raped and how its all my fault because I'm a drunk and am going to get raped again. No one cared about how I would feel in the morning or about how hurt I would be. All I was was fun for the night. The guy keeps trying to contact me too. I feel so scared whenever he's around and have to leave, even on my bfs last night in town. I'm so angry that one person not respecting my vulnerability has caused me so much emotional pain.

I'm so angry and scared. I'm a pretty girl and whenever I go out I have to be on guard for my safety. I was feeling very low about myself at the time. I have these mood changes that are so sever and cause me so much trouble and pain. I get angry and reckless and grandiose, and then I'm crying and panicking. I know that its going to be a constant in my life that I'm going to occasionally be reckless and then hate myself for it and be in pain forever.

I don't know what I want here besides advice (non judgmental) and maybe hear if people have to deal with this stuff too. I really hate being me sometimes.

[Odee]

I can assure you that the break through bleeding is likely the birth control. When I was taking BC, once when I switched to generic my periods were horrible and I had cramps and spotting all throughout the first month. When I originally began BC the first time it seemed like I had my period all month! Missing a pill is the cue for your body to start its period. I am sure just one missed pill might even cause that.


I have certainly not been in a situation such as yours and it sounds so terrible! God, I hope I will never be there! I am so sorry it happened to you. You were not a slut or a drunk and you did not deserve to be used and definitely not emotionally abused about it. Those guys are jackasses and they are taking advantage of girls because no chick is going to date them after being treated like ****.

However, I have struggled with sex-paranoia before -- the crying, panicking, fearful days when my period is late or anything else that triggers the belief that I might be pregnant. I also practice safe sex, but sometimes the fear is too much I won't even have sex with my BF.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Thanks so much for responding. I was thinking that it could be my BC too because I was on a generic and switched to the real brand two packs ago.

"I am so sorry it happened to you. You were not a slut or a drunk and you did not deserve to be used and definitely not emotionally abused about it. "

You have no idea how much it means to hear that. I just keep feeling like I deserve to have something bad happen to me because I was vulnerable around people. My friends think that this behavior is a "typical college thing" that just happens. I refuse to think that being an instrument to another in a compromised position is not something that we should accept as typical. We deserve much better.

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with sex paranoia. I hope that your BF is kind and understanding about it.

[Leed]

Hi my friend ~ I am surprised that it never happened to me, because I'm a recovering alcoholic and I was drunk SO many times in public that I can't even count. Most of the time I was with my "then" husband, but usually he was drunk too so who would notice? So I AM very lucky!

One thing, my friend is you ARE going to have to cut back on your drinking. Either that, or you're going to have to stop altogether. If drinking effects you like THAT, then you just can't keep it up. If you've had previous rapes, and it had ANYTHING to do with alcohol, then you've got to give it up or you WILL end up with HIV. Please think about this -- you're talking about your very LIFE here!! Is drinking really worth that?

If this creep who raped you is still bothering you, why not get a restraining order against him? You really should have reported the rape to the police, and put this horrible piece of humanity away for awhile!!! There's no DOUBT he'll keep doing this to women. Perhaps even YOU again! Since the DNA proof is gone now, I doubt reporting this rape would do any good but you can try if you're so inclined. Why not since everyone knows about it anyway?? If you were aware enough about it, know his name and can describe the whole event, I'd go for it and report it to the police! Put this guy away -- but get the restraining order just in case!

I know you're very anxious and panicked -- but if you do these things you'll certainly feel better. Not only that, but the police WILL keep an eye on this rotten no good louse! You can believe that! God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[~Christina]

" I know that its going to be a constant in my life that I'm going to occasionally be reckless and then hate myself for it and be in pain forever."

I am so sorry you have been through all this. This one line ^ Why are you assuming you will always act and feel this way? Really, that isn't true. You deserve love happiness and joy in your life. I hope you can reach out for some help, a Therapist ... you need help processing all that has happened to you with these despicable men who have taken advantage of you.. You can move past this and not feel you will always suffer from bad decisions or just life in general.
Hugs~