[winter4me]

I have a long history of not being able to cry when appropriate.
Recently, my son and I had a relatively minor spat and I felt very badly because I knew what he was saying was true but also that he was protecting himself as he is feeling vulnerable right now (grown son, not child) because he is staying with me to get back on his feet after an unexpected event in his life.

I e mailed him that I did know what he was saying & asked for some help in making things a bit better for hi/us. I signed it "love, mom"
He emailed back "(sister's name) and I both agree that one thing that has never been in question is that you do love us." He also told me verbally that I am generous, and intelligent. My eyes are filling.
Now, he will be picking up his son and meeting his sister, her partner, his dad/my ex at the summer place I inherited and gifted to the kids a few years ago; and I feel sad, alone, left out while also feeling glad for them...
I feel incredibly lucky and incredibly sad/a loser all at once.
The eyes fill but the tears won't fall.. Think I'll go and knit.
This relentlessly humid, hot, thick weather does not help.

[doggiedo]

Sounds powerful. Good reaction then? How did u end up handling this?

[winter4me]

as always a work in progress.
son and i are okay with each other. i confirmed a fear i had about his behavior (drinking too much and alone) and am communicating with his sister and dad, and working on making some changes and determining what to do when he gets back from a few days respite with his sis, dad, and son in VT.

[happiedasiy]

Dear winter4me,

Your son is right, you are a generous person and you are loved.
I also empathize with you feeling left out but in no way are you the "loser".
You are showing your "grown" children great character.

May you feel the need to cry, allow the tears to fall.

It is difficult to watch grown children struggle but this is how they learn.
And we as parents also have to learn new ways of communication.
It sounds like you and your son/daughter are on a healing path.
Children inherit the best of us.
The endless sacrifices we make for our children, you deserve to be happy!

Hugs and take this private time to relax.
sincerely,
Happiedasiy

[winter4me]

Thank you for the encouragement Happiedaisy! I appreciate it so much.

[winter4me]

Well, son is back. I decided to address the drinking directly, filled bags with the empty beer cans and bottles I found in his room, text to him, his dad, and sister...letter to him for return. He spent last night cleaning up his space, taking out trash, cleaning the kitchen, and (before I went to bed) talking with me just in general (social/political/chat) but didn't say anything about the alcohol. I asked him to try AA. He hasn't said no. And, while I was at work today, he did more cleaning and general tidying up...I told him in the letter that I'll fill his car with gas, help but not with cash (we will grocery shop together, usually do anyway)---and expect him to actively seek work again (he is such a good worker...)--Right now he is off playing basketball with friends...not expecting any sudden change but he sure seems to be trying to show me he is willing to try. I was afraid he would be angry...and was willing to deal with that but perhaps his sister and dad spoke with him. (And, daughter called Friday to ask if I could join them up there for a day! No more feeling left out...she must have esp; I couldn't go but that doesn't matter) So, all in all, hopeful.