[ThisWayOut]

how do you get past the wall to the emotions you know are there but can't seem to access? I know I have stuff going on under the surface, but I feel like there's a wall. I can understand that stuff is going on, but I can't figure out exactly what it is. Kinda like standing on a frozen river and watching the water rush away beneath you. There are rocks and fish and debris, but you are on the other side of the ice, and it obscures the view somewhat...
I get this sometimes, and it's usually before I fall head-long back into depression after any time away (I have been out of a major depression for about 2 weeks now). You would think that I could figure out how to see the signs and understand what's going on underneath, but I still have no concrete understanding of what's going on. I have ideas and guesses based on what normally bothers me, but I am never sure if what I think it is will turn out to be what it actually is. And even if I'm correct, I don't really know how to lessen the impact of the depression or process any of it.
Does anyone else experience this ever? How do you handle it?

[Whisper of help]

I actually just came out of a similar situation after living in it for close to 11 years. This sounds like the relationship I had with my mother's husband. I shared a house with him for 10 years, yet I never really developed a relationship with him. Partly because he never made much of an attempt to foster one when we first moved in with him, and partly because my mother eloped with him clear across the country and took me with her, for which I never truly forgave either of them. To be honest, the ice on your river may even be thinner than mine was, because it wasn't until I started seeing a counselor that I even began to realize that there was anything underneath it.

The best advice I can give is to try to get through the wall and face the emotions before they build up to a breaking point again. If you're like me, then that barrier is coming up to protect you from something on the other side, and coming to terms with that something is the only way to break this cycle.

[wintersnow]

Wow, I can so relate to this. I know the wall, I have it as well. Not sure what's going on behind it, and when I get close it scares me. There's a dark fog surrounding it which makes me nervous... Not sure how to approach it. Have been aware of the wall between me and my emotions for about half a year and still I am avoiding it.

I know that I am stressed - I try too hard and on top of that I try to cope with my OCD, which at the moment gets tougher and tougher.

Not sure I can give any advice, since I haven't figured it out for myself yet, but if you want to talk I am here.

[ThisWayOut]

My T seems to think it's just fear of another major depression coming on, and I can avoid it. I hope he is correct. He did acknowledge today that I have a very fragmented emotional life - I wall off the negative stuff or the positive stuff depending on where I am. He said I needed to recognize that I have control over all of it, but he did not really offer any concrete way to do that. It was a bit frustrating. This is the first time anyone has voiced that they notice the fragmentation (normally it's just me telling them I feel separate from it). I wish he had something a little more by the way of how to change it. I really don't feel in control of it all at once. A lot goes on that I don't have conscious awareness of...
I wish I believed him that it was mostly fear of what might happen, not an anticipation of what will happen.