[MotownJohnny]

Logic or reason tell me that I am actually a pretty decent guy. Let me lay out my case for that:

Never-married late 40's white collar professional, been steadily employed full time since 2 days after I graduated from college in 1987, except for 2 one-year periods when I quit working to go back to school full-time. Been at my current job for 5 years, my boss is always saying nice things about me. Knowledgeable in probate, estate, and tax law. Two college degrees, one with a perfect 4.0 GPA, plus an additional year of courses to get a professional certification and a specialty certification. Registered with the IRS as a tax preparer for a numbe r of types of returns. I was an overweight unhappy mess a year ago, so I joined a gym, hired trainers, bought a bike, and now I do weights, cardio, cycling, swim, ski, snowshoe, run, am in the best physical shape of my adult life, planning on doing triathlons next year. I lost 60 lbs, feel great, and had to ditch all of my old clothes for a new wardrobe. Strictly suit and tie weekdays, weekends rugged casual/outdoorsy look. Not a bad-looking guy, i had a young ladyntell me yesterday I look like Greg Kinnear, the actor, I guess i could do worse. Very much a neat freak about things, including my appearance,,clothes, hair,,etc. I make a decent living, pay my bills, pay my taxes, own a house outright. I,don't smoke, drink, or do drugs, never have. My big brush with the law was getting a ticket for going 32 in a 25. I do,whatever kind of house and yard work is necessary. I am a great cook. I have been a good father to 3 dogs over the years. I'm sure I could go on,,but you get the gist of it.

So, why do I feel like the scum of the earth?

[kindachaotic]

Have read several of your post, re your father.
You were always told or treated with hatred.
So it IS logical to feel that way.
That's all you knew growing up.

As you state you've accomplished alot & should be proud.
I'm proud of you & don't know you from Adam .
Glad you have a T and pdoc that are hopefully a good fit.
Don't know if this helped.
Just wanted you to know you've been heard & believed.
You are not him & that's commendable. You are you.
Hang in there & keep posting.

[H3rmit]

I'm a good person too, with some successes and wisdom, though can't be painted as flawlessly as your description. But what about your inner life, your values? Look under the surface, reflect, and you may find some rot that needs airing out and refreshing, doing something about. It's about the inner life. (Not my strong point either, because, hey, I've had to deal with the external world.)

[gayleggg]

Wow, you have accomplished a lot in your lifetime. Maybe you should print out what you wrote about yourself and read it every morning. It takes a long time to get those old tapes out of our heads. When you start to have those scum of the earth feelings you have to stop them immediately and replace them with the good things you've done. You are awesome. Try to remember that.

[tinyrabbit]

Why? Because logic isn't running the show. Something much more unconscious is in charge of your thinking right now.

This may help shed light: Childhood Emotional Neglect: The Fatal Flaw | World of Psychology

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

I'm a good person too, with some successes and wisdom, though can't be painted as flawlessly as your description. But what about your inner life, your values? Look under the surface, reflect, and you may find some rot that needs airing out and refreshing, doing something about. It's about the inner life. (Not my strong point either, because, hey, I've had to deal with the external world.)

Everyone has vices. Mine don"t measure up to the image I have in my mind. One big one, emotional eating and weight see-saw my whole life. But never as extreme as last year. I worked really hard to take it off. Now I have slipped back, emotional eating, I have put on 5 lbs which scares me. Junk food binge, and only going through the motions in my workouts for the most part. Pdoc gave me Prozac yesterday, I hope it's helps.

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Wow, you have accomplished a lot in your lifetime. Maybe you should print out what you wrote about yourself and read it every morning. It takes a long time to get those old tapes out of our heads. When you start to have those scum of the earth feelings you have to stop them immediately and replace them with the good things you've done. You are awesome. Try to remember that.

That's what my T keeps telling me to do. Not trying to brag when I wrote all of that, I still feel like a failure, no matter what I do. Objectively, I'm not the least successful fish in the pond. It doesn't help that my family thinks I am.

I wish you weren't feeling so low...I really hope the Rx and a good T will help you see / know that you are not a "bad" person!

I have/had to work on some of the same issues. I think many of us have: Overcoming the old tapes that are running the show...the ones that tell us we aren't good enough or moreover the ones that tell us we aren't enough, that we are bad somehow

We get into some bizarre rut where what we listen to most is the negative voices in our head sabotaging the good things, so no matter what we do, we feel awful. And we put so much pressure and worry on ourselves, we forget what it is like to be human (we become a prisoner of someone else's abusive words and deeds that we take on as our own).

They arent even our own issues...they usually are someone else's junk that is implanted in us (I think the worst thing too is that we don't even know who we are at our core anymore which also leads to feeling horrible).

***

I read here in this thread that you had/have struggles with your father. I had the same with my family members, and it did quite a number on me.

The key is to work through those hurtful, dreadful tapes in our brain. To rewire thinking so our thoughts don't automatically go to a bad place that hurt us and make us feel unworthy. We do not have to hear their voices anymore. We don't have to be responsible for the cruelty they put on us to satisfy their sick needs.

I can say that I have been there ... and there is hope! It can be done. DBT helped me, but I think it is different for everyone. The main thing is that no matter what our age, we can overcome this. It takes some work, homework, but it sounds as if you are up to the task. At first it feels a little foreign but after a bit it just becomes part of us and it is so freeing!

I also understand that fear when we emotionally eat and put on a few. But the fact that we realize we are doing it, and care, does set us up for success, because we can also do something about it. Instead of blindly keeping the feelings in and numbing ourselves with comfort food, we can talk about stuff (feelings) and focus outward. And talk about stuff. Uncensored. The good thing to is that you get to speak and really be heard and validated. That feels great in itself.

I could go on and on and on, but I wont! But I just want you to know that I get it. You aren't alone and you can and will start feeling much better once the little tributaries in your brain default to a positive pond instead of a well of hurt.

Is it possible to look at yourself from the outside, too, and ask yourself "what would I tell my best friend" (if they were being this hard on themselves?) Would you beat them up and tell them they aren't good enough or would you focus on all the positive, wonderful things?

We are human and thankfully we get to do our best, make mistakes, acknowledge, learn from them and then try again (if we arent pleased with something (a word, action, reaction, mis-step).

In the beginning, when I slipped (whatever slipping meant for me) I would see it and then just tell myself I would do better next time.

*Mostly, in that regard, it had to do with stuff nobody even noticed but me. But I noticed because I felt uncomfortable.

I hope this helps a little. You can beat this, and there is hope.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

That's what my T keeps telling me to do. Not trying to brag when I wrote all of that, I still feel like a failure, no matter what I do. Objectively, I'm not the least successful fish in the pond. It doesn't help that my family thinks I am.

It might help to pin down what your definition of failure actually is.

When I define the things I think about myself, I realise they aren't true.

[unaluna]

Greg Kinnear, huh? And not too far from me...

Oh wait you spelled illogical wrong. Ah you probably dont like older women anyway...

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by hankster

Greg Kinnear, huh? And not too far from me...

Oh wait you spelled illogical wrong. Ah you probably dont like older women anyway...

Well ... Hmmm, I don't know about that Kinnear thing. She was just trying to upswell me on more expensive frames anyway.

My posts often look as if they were written by someone with a 7th grade education. I actually can spell and write reasonably well, but I am usually posting from my phone, not conducive to accuracy.

Oh, I've always enjoyed meeting older women.

[unaluna]

Anyway to answer your question - we get our opinion of ourselves from our family, according to some theories of psychology. It's called a bad self-object. After so long of a parent putting us down, we start doing it for them - we'd rather have control of the insults, do it to ourselves before somebody else does it to us. Then we just start to believe it. Going to a t can change that, but it takes a while and it helps if you don't see your insulters. The weather is nice, get out to Kensington and walk off those pounds

[Thunder Bow]

You meet all the contemporary expectations of a Man and his success. However, how do you feel inside your self? That is what really counts as success. Your 1st world is your inner world, yourself. Every thing else should get the back seat. Be yourself first!

[MotownJohnny]

How do I feel? Incredibly conflicted, almost like 2 separate guys, the uber-Eeyore cloaked in gloom and doom, and the guy who actually can do a lot more than people give him credit for, if only he has the opportunity.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Everyone has vices. Mine don"t measure up to the image I have in my mind. One big one, emotional eating and weight see-saw my whole life. But never as extreme as last year. I worked really hard to take it off. Now I have slipped back, emotional eating, I have put on 5 lbs which scares me. Junk food binge, and only going through the motions in my workouts for the most part. Pdoc gave me Prozac yesterday, I hope it's helps.

Well, this "vice" is really a dysfunctional way of trying to soothe yourself, right? So you need to learn new ways rather than buy into society's hatred of anyone fat or emotionally out of control (for whatever length of time). If your dog or favourite friend got fat would you loathe him? Try to be equally kind and understanding of yourself. Summon whatever compassion you can have for others and attempt to treat yourself the same way.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

How do I feel? Incredibly conflicted, almost like 2 separate guys, the uber-Eeyore cloaked in gloom and doom, and the guy who actually can do a lot more than people give him credit for, if only he has the opportunity.

This is what they talk about in object relations. I'm probably repeating myself here, but your paragraph here is such a perfect example. Eeyore is your family's image of you, but yes it has taken over half your brain (so to speak). It's the bad introject (I think I misspoke in a different post). When I started seeing my current t, I told him I wanted to be "more me" - like your second person. Quiet the voice of the bad introject - it isn't your own true voice, and your own voice will take over. Your t can help you quiet the voice.