Anger

So how do you guys deal with anger towards a less-than-pleasant person? How do you deal with such people when you're angry? How do you not stand your ground and make it clear they were out-of-order? I've been brought up to stand my ground and act accordingly. I really, really don't like people that go around trying to 1-up others, for their own sick pleasure; it makes me angry. Some people may say I'm sometimes too defensive or blunt, but you know what? So be it. I have respect for my fellow man (the decent ones, anyway) so yeh, I am defensive at times, and I can be blunt, or make it clear when someone has been offensive. I know how I don't want to be treated, and it's how I wouldn't treat others. Furthermore, what about those people who're so busy feeling sorry for themselves, that they see it fit to go around making other people feel like crap, just to give themselves a boost? What do you do about them?

I lived with my ex whom i had a son by, he's 22 now. I found my partner, his dad, to be soo controlling and was smothered i had to leave. He treated me so bad i had no choice but to leave, and am glad i did. I sometimes feel proud of people like you that can and isn't afraid of speaking their minds, as i am not good at it and fear vindication, as i've had a few relationships with female friends who were very vindictive. I am proud you can stick up for yourself, i'm not lik that but wish i could be more aggressive sometimes.

Thank you, avlady.

I don't always express my pissed-offness, loud 'n clear, since I don't exactly want to get into fights; sod that for a game of darts.

Sometimes I'm envious of how my dad used to deal with things: punch first, ask questions later. I don't fancy that way of doing things - I prefer communicating through words. Problem is, we both have a temper, and we are both, ... well, Scottish, and from a pretty strong family. (I seem to be one of the most laid-back people in our family)

I hate saying this kind of crap - I was just angry, earlier. I usually avoid talking about this stuff, because I don't want to seem like a knuckle-dragger, or unwillingly encouraging something. I swear, when a man shows the slightest bit of physical or intellectual strength, it seems to set off some kind of localized Challenge Me alarm; maybe this is one of the reasons I stay so low-key; it's like the zombie Apocalypse, in that, the moment a walker smells brain, they all climb outta the woodwork, ... or maybe I'm just being cynical, again. ¬_¬

It's funny, well not ha ha! funny, but I was searching for a forum about anger and I stumble upon this post. I'm i was told by a coworker today something that another coworker said about me and another coworker (a little confusing?). Well anyway, ever since I heard said comment I've been all of the ways that I'm going to make the guilty party pay for such thoughtless comments. It makes me even more angry that this person has affected me to this degree. My whole mood has changed and keeping all these terrible thoughts from flooding my brain is nearly impossible. I've been known to be rude and quite aggressive when provoked and I hate the lack of control on my part.
**this is not a challenge**
One day I may achieve greatness and complete control of my emotions. Until then, I guess I'll just remind myself that choking someone to death is ...well wrong.

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Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung How do you deal with such people when you're angry?

I often don't if I can't make sense, because then I am out of control. If I am out of control, I am not clear, I fail to make a point, and then there is no sense in engagement.

There is also a judgement to be made about whether it's a battle worth fighting at all. Wasted energy and all that.

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How do you not stand your ground and make it clear they were out-of-order? I've been brought up to stand my ground and act accordingly. I really, really don't like people that go around trying to 1-up others, for their own sick pleasure; it makes me angry. Some people may say I'm sometimes too defensive or blunt, but you know what? So be it. I have respect for my fellow man (the decent ones, anyway) so yeh, I am defensive at times, and I can be blunt, or make it clear when someone has been offensive. I know how I don't want to be treated, and it's how I wouldn't treat others. Furthermore, what about those people who're so busy feeling sorry for themselves, that they see it fit to go around making other people feel like crap, just to give themselves a boost? What do you do about them?

...Again, you pick your battles.
If you stand up against every little pissant, you have no energy to stand against the people/things/causes that might actually be essential to speak/act against.

We become desensitized to that which we see too often.

That is: If you live your entire life on a soapbox, your words start to loose their intensity, and if you stand at every remark, you might as well never sit down, so it no longer has an effect.

You need to discern what really matters, and aim for that.
Some people just suck.
And unfourtunately, they will slide along in life.
They may "get what's coming to them"... or they may not.

It's obviously just my opinion, but life isn't really fair in that way- some people have a map to the X, some don't.

You can have advantages or not- you have power to change some things, some things you don't.

One of those things you can change though- is how often you share your opinion and exercise protest or force of any kind.

Silence is just as powerful as sound [observation comes in a very close second], but few people believe this and fewer people actually exercise either weapon.

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I hate saying this kind of crap - I was just angry, earlier. I usually avoid talking about this stuff, because I don't want to seem like a knuckle-dragger, or unwillingly encouraging something. I swear, when a man shows the slightest bit of physical or intellectual strength, it seems to set off some kind of localized Challenge Me alarm...

I think there are a few important things to consider here:
There are differences between "challenges" and "fights".
Differences between simply being angry about something, and about feeling something is an injustice.
Differences between physical and intellectual strength.
Also, you can always choose to simply not react.
You do not have to respond to a challenge OR a fight in a way that the person approaching you wants you to, you have more than one option.

It may be important to assess what is important to respond to in terms of what you want to "stand for", that is- challenge-, what you want to fight or brawl or argue about... and what might just not be worth it.

It may help?

Just ideas.

I have a range of mood swings from very laid back and easy going to down right angry to the point of rage. I noticed it really doesn't matter who the person is, when I explode I explode. It could be a nice sweet little old lady or a punk doesn't matter. Some times the slightest little thing sets me off. Some times nothing sets me off yet I fall in rage. I'm sure I'm probably very different then what your talking about. All I know is I have uncontrollable anger bursts. And it could be towards anyone.

I've learned a lot about my "stance" from anger management. They showed me it's basically how you shift your weight in martial arts. I used to get knocked over a lot by other people in many subtle and creative ways. And it made me feel --- I stand corrected: I felt like crap.

What I came to realize that I hadn't figured out that martial arts isn't about fighting --- it's about body control: self-mastery. I was always off-balance throwing myself around in front of other people. No one seemed to respect me flailing around like my own amateur puppet show. Which is actually how I pictured myself.

Sometimes I'd lunge at people and verbally attack them. They're wrong after all, and they deserved it. I'd be forward, and just like in judo, they'd counter-attack and flip me. Ouch. Score one for self-loathing and another for public embarrassment.

Other times I'd be back on my heels defending what I did. Constantly. The wind could knock me over. I'd be on such a hair-trigger that even if someone did something nice for me, I'd be in their face because I thought they were insulting me somehow. I wasn't brightening my day or anyone else's doing that.

What I learned through therapy --- and if I'm honest, harsh experience --- is that being centered is the strongest position. I wasn't open to counter-attack. I didn't project or telegraph my weaknesses because I wasn't defending anything.

And I finally felt in control of myself because I wasn't getting knocked over all the time. When I remember this, I'm calm and confident. I'm not always, trust me. But everyone deserves to feel this all the time. My therapist uses the word "assertive" for this feeling.

I didn't have to give up my sense of justice or fair play. I did have to give up thinking I could change the world solely through offense and change other people's opinion of me through defense (or at all). I very, very, very reluctantly had to acknowledge that other people might have a different world-view than my own. And they don't have to do what I think they "should" do.

But for me, part of being centered means being able to move among different value systems without my own values being changed. "Stepping outside the game", "being above the fray", or a cliche of your choice is something that's required a lot (a looooooot) of work --- and still does. But the benefits have been worth it.

Also, just for fun and a bit of mischief... if someone is trying to 1-up other people, you can assertively walk up to them and ask, "Why are you doing that?"(important --- as a real question, not an accusation). Then walk away and look at how unbalanced they become, offense or defense.

Just in case you're wondering why I'm writing this, I spent about three decades learning to stand up for myself without attacking or defending. I work on it everyday. Anyone reading this can choose to ignore, agree, disagree, modify, research or trash anything I've said. I'm expressing my appreciation to be somewhere people can talk about their mental and emotional issues openly, so share what I can.

Anger is not always so black and white or caused by the same things. If it's a way of thinking it can be changed as we can change our way of thinking. If it's caused by a chemical imbalance then all the therapy in the world is not going to change you. You will need meds to correct the chemical imbalance before you can hope for any change. I think it's vital we know which kind of anger we have to properly treat it.

Did you learn these techniques through your therapist or was it an anger management class? I'm curious because it's something I would love to try.

for me, anger is a chemical. it might be squirted by some reflex, or by some dysfunction, by some imbalance, or by mistake, but i end up angry :O then usually i have some reaction that is so fast i can hardly take control of it,, based on the pattern recognition of some other part of my brain....

as i have been meditating on being kinder, in general, and to myself in particular, and putting that into practice,,, i find that the amount of anger chemicals is less, and the amount of choice in response is greater.... i like that~

Anger is healthy but should really be contained when talking to others - firstly you lose the message you are intending to get across try to be authorative instead - the point will get across better. Having said that there are times when raising ones voice in displeasure is appropriate, Anger is a natural emotion but should be used with caution try to find other ways to let that anger out like punching cushions for example!

Unfortunately i turn it inward. I am in therapy to make sure i dont do that. But great question, i have no idea how to do it in a healthy way!

My therapist's focus was to stop me from breaking the dam (and causing the flood). When my sleep isn't clean for any reason, I get pretty irritable. Lots of small things combined and I'd chip at the dam.

The first part I learned about frustration tolerance was to figure out what was really bothering me. There are a lot of layers to that onion, which is why anger management takes so long.

Here's an example of the layers I'm talking about... I am visibly and irrationally upset when my computer stalls (harmlessly) even for a second. Here's what I learned I'm really thinking:

- It's my connection to the world and the tool I use to feed myself.
- I keep my computer *tuned*, and it still turned out badly.
- Why the heck does that happen to me? That's not how it should be.
- Stalling for too long means I'll lose my work.
- I spent hours on it, and I'll never do it as well the second time.
- If I don't do spectacular work, then how am I going to eat?
- If I don't eat, something bad will happen to me.
- That's going to be really painful.
- My life is going to be eternally painful.

I actually get kind of laugh reading it . After a while, you learn to go through the entire thought process and get to the core emotions. In my case: fear, unfair expectations and catastrophization. All in the 30 seconds of watching my highly-tuned race car, through no fault of my own, take a coffee break.

We used CBT as the framework. Basically name it, rate it, question it. With "it" being the feeling at the time. I know a person who's had a lot of success with DBT.

I prefer CBT because you can basically fit the steps on a single sheet of paper, flag your feelings during the day and go to therapy with what you've noticed. My friend prefers DBT because it's a detailed and highly-structured framework. Really depends on how you want to approach things.