Is this an addiction/bad for me?

I´m really really confused lately.

The worst trouble for me psychologically, started for me a few years ago,
when I developed anorexia while moving away from home and also attending a professional ballet school, shortly after my dad had died.

I could get rid of anorexia pretty quickly as soon as I moved back home,
but I´m pretty sure ballet became my addiction.
In a bad way. Not a passionate kind of way. I felt very very dependent on it for my self-esteem and happiness and also with this, on my teacher´s approval.
Classes weren´t fun for me anymore, but made me nervous and terrible.
Yet, I didn´t feel like I could quit, because without it, I felt like I was and had nothing. Also, I knew that deep down inside there was still that old positive passion for dance and I never wanted to give up on dancing.
I never believed that those old and good feelings for it and with it were dead,
just "out of order". So I dragged myself to classes day by day until
I had to realize that this wasn´t getting me anywhere.
I only worked with a fraction of the power I had, I couldn´t put anything IN to my dancing. I wasn´t improving as I could have.
With lots of up and downs, a year and therapy and about one year with NO dancing at all, I got a little better.

About a year ago I started again, very very slowly.
By January February this year I was on a good way. I was enjoying dance again! I felt something and I was passionate not driven or scared.

It worked better and better until in April this year I injured my foot.

At first, I was still doing fine. The first 2 months, I missed dancing, but just for the feeling of dancing. Not because I felt I had to do it to be worthy or something. I was still doing fine without it.
Into the 3rd month though, when my foot still wasn´t usable again, I think I got pretty depressed. And I felt that valuable time was passing by I couldn´t spend dancing.
Since about 2 months ago, maybe a little less, I can dance again, though with care and limitations but the thing is, I cannot feel much anymore.
The past few weeks I was really depressed and found myself looking for dance to make me feel better. But it never worked and that depressed me even more.

So, my question is, is dancing an addiction for me? And is it bad for me?
I don´t want to stop but I also don´t want to be addicted and dependent on anything.

I'm sensing that you may be suffering from bouts of depression that may not be related to your dancing, but effects you feelings about when you are dancing. I don't really see your dancing as an addiction but maybe a bit of an obsession. Still could be a problem if it affects your self-esteem. You might consider seeing a counselor to help you figure out where you need to go from here.

I do not believe dancing is an addiction for you but maybe a way of coping with the rest of your life and when our one way of coping does not work well, then we can get confused and lost.

As we get older, we try all the things we really wanted to try, pursue what we want to pursue and choices of what to do "next" get harder to find because we've "been there, done that" or are having difficulties with our first love because of injury or other life situations taking us away from or complicating it.

You have had some injuries and I think your knowledge of injuries has left you tentative about how well dancing can work for you but you have not looked at or developed anything else along the way and now you are in a bit of a bind?

Now that I am 63, I am trying to strive for balance. I'm not doing very well at it yet because my first love is history and I am very immersed in that; reading, writing, working on school and personal projects, etc. only it is all on this computer and I too rarely get up off this loveseat and get any physical activity. In short, I'm over accenting thinking, not getting enough physical and not interacting with others for social/emotional health.

Were I you, I would explore other non-physical aspects of ballet. I would read books on ballet, go to the theater to watch ballet, think about all the other occupations and people who love ballet but express it differently; the writers, viewers, critics, photographers, clothing makers, physical therapists, doctors, teachers; I would maybe make a list of 25-50 other ways that ballet touches people's lives? You beat the anorexia, maybe you could help other ballerinas with their eating/nutrition choices. Maybe you could write a book on your struggles, or just start a journal to grapple with the issues you are seeing with dancing for you. I have found for me that it is rarely the outside activity or person that is causing a problem, but something within myself that I need to address. I try to be grateful to the outside indicator, sometimes something important to me/my life and not something I have to give up or throw away completely.

I think you are looking for dance to make you feel better but I would look harder at what it is about dance that use to make you feel good and explore what other thoughts or activities might create those feelings as well for you. If we have 2-3 things we love then the loss of one is less a problem for us than if we only have 1 thing we love. You moved away from home and lost your father the first time you had difficulties. What are your current difficulties telling you?

Dancing is how you cope with things, and depression. You are healing, I say keep dancing.

Dear poster,
I agree with Perna, as she is a wishing well of knowledge and insight!!

A dancers life is filled with passion and is an outlet for releasing emotions.
You have had multiple injuries, very hard to come back from.
My sympathies for your fathers passing.
YOU stated

Yet, I didn´t feel like I could quit, because without it, I felt like I was and had nothing. Also, I knew that deep down inside there was still that old positive passion for dance and I never wanted to give up on dancing.
I never believed that those old and good feelings for it and with it were dead,
just "out of order".

Dancing is very valuable to you, maybe just expand your vision, look at what you can do rather than what you cant. Look at all the knowledge you have gained through training.

The exercises you've been taught, the bar work, balancing, the passion of movement with music is majical.

Think about what you can share and pass down to others.

I dont feel it it is an addiction, it is a large part of who you are.

Things will work out, balance your emotions, and order will return.

Sincerely,
Happiedasiy

Thanks all of you for your support!

Yes, I feel that shifting focus can help sometimes, to see what I´m doing.

When you come to do just one thing for a very long time and intensively, I guess you lose sight of what it is that you´re actually doing. And that thing can become "everything".

I also find that it´s so important not to lose the feeling for myself and my identity.

Yes, maybe with this injury, I got insecure about how an important role I MAY let dance play in my life. Because what if I get injured again?

I do have another passion besides dancing in dance, and that´s teaching. Unfortunately due to my psychological problems rightnow, I cannot pursue that at the moment...

What I forgot to mention is that the only time I CAN feel something sometimes rightnow, is to contemporary/modern music. That´s weird.

Oh I am so glad you are feeling a bit better!!!!

What is contemporary/modern music to you? Can you give an example.
Happiedasiy
I love lots of music,
Sorry to hear you are having emotional problems, may they resolve soon.

Teaching dance is still doable but pace yourself.
I dont think you need a education degree to give private/small group lessons.
I have torn my left ankle many times as I know it takes weeks to 6 months
to heal.
Depending on your age and injuries have you considered surgery?
Remember you have the skills and talent to open a new world to lots of little ones, and can make some money on the side while healing!
Sincerely,
Happiedasiy

Music is mostly feelings.