[winterglen]

This has been a problem for a long time. I understand that eating disorders are notoriously competitive. Sometimes I come across a story about someone else with anorexia, and it immediately kicks up a major surge of anger and jealousy because she has been better at it than I am.

I know I shouldn't feel angry or offended, but I do. I know how insane it sounds. I feel like like I have to get even "better" at it than she is, otherwise everyone is going to care more about her than they will about me. I just want so badly to earn all the kindness and sympathy that she has, and I know I won't get it if I'm not as young and thin and severely sick as she is.

I feel like I have to constantly strive to be better than anyone else, and then I feel insincere because I'm not "naturally" as worthy as I should be. I feel like once I prove I'm worthy, I won't feel so horrible about myself or about others, but I never can. Why is this so hard for me when it's so easy for other people?

[eskielover]

Sounds to me like when you were growing up you didn't get the attention & the validation that you needed to give your self your self-worth.

It's like the kids in school who think that bad attention is better than no attention at all.

We all have the need for attention & validation......& you are still struggling for it. They haven't earned kindness & sympathy....they have earned the attention that you are craving to get & can't seem to get it in any other positive way so you have latched onto the ED as the way to get the needed attention that you are so desperate for..

Don't know if you have a T.....but it might do you good to get involved with therapy that provides DBT.....it can teach you the skills that you are lacking & grow in ways so that you can learn to self-validate yourself without looking for your validation from others until you can get to the point where you can recognize positive validation that is probably out there but you are just not aware of it or open to it at this point in time.

Well. I think the most important part is to realize that it isn't easy for anyone. Pain is pain no matter what kind of life you live and how many people take notice. In fact, if you think of it this way, it really kind of ruins it a bit. See, that poor girl is going to have to live with that title the rest of her life. All her neighbors, friends, family, peers, and strangers now know her story. They will automatically tie her to it and she can't ever really escape that. Not with the internet how it is these days. She will have to deal with looks of pity her whole life and nasty online comments from disgusting people who don't understand. It's a great thing she's going to get help but at that cost I would never want it. Along with having already a worse case of the sickness you have. Mental illness is not pleasant and I'm pretty sure if I had a worse case of depression I'd be dead.

I understand it's difficult to keep doing it but rationalizing everything out as often as possible helps me the most. To understand not only the current situation but the echoing effects it'll have on the rest of your life. And to understand that comparing yourself to other people isn't fair to anyone since you only get to see a snapshot of their life. Or one side. Very rarely do you get to see the whole person and if you saw all the anguish they go through, I doubt you'd want their life anyways. We are all trying are best but I can promise you no one has it easy--we all have demons we hide. The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept yourself. No one else can truly judge you so it's up to you to decide your worth. And always remember you are a work in progress and that you are still growing so you need to be gentle with yourself otherwise you'll never grow the roots you need to to be able to grow stronger.