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#1
Apr 05, 2014, 03:26 PM
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Feeling down and conflicted right now... coming to the realization of being ACoA ... I mean I've known it my whole life, but I had no idea that my ways, my everyday habits, my emotional rollercoasters, my insecurities, my seemingly inept ability to have a healthy relationship of any sort all stems from this- I have always just buried my head in the proverbial sand and went through my days just trying to survive... still just trying to survive- only now I realize that I must learn to thrive... I grew up in Las Vegas, the oldest of 8 siblings between my mom and stepdad (I was the only one that wasn't his biological child).. both of them come from heavily dysfunctional alcoholic homes... I cant even begin to start with what I saw, and experienced as a child... First and foremost- I was the caretaker. I was the kid leading he kids. I was the one singing them lullabys at night, playing games with them during the day, making sure they ate, went to school, cleaning up after them... I remember thinking "I can take what ever they want to dish out so long as they don't mess with my brothers and sisters"... I took my moms vial of cocaine to school when I was 10, and gave it to my DARE officer...can you imagine the look on his face when he pulled that balled up piece of paper out of the anonymous box? Priceless. I was going on drug deals for my parents at the tender age of 12... at 13, after a long day at school, and then babysitting and cleaning- my parents were at the casino...it was midnight and they come stumbling in, I was finishing up the dinner dishes, all the kids were asleep- my mom says that 2 women cant live in the same house and it was time for me to go- they handed me a one-hundred dollar bill, would not let me take anything that "they had provided"... so it was me, my school books, the night gown on my back and my bare feet on the Las Vegas city streets... after a few days they allowed me back inside...but only b/c they needed me to babysit. This cycle continued over and over and over again.. I never knew what to expect, I carried EVERYTHING in my backpack.. a clean change of clothes, a toothbrush etc.. never knowing if I would have a place to stay on any given night. I invested a lot of time at school- straight A's, Honor Society, student council. leadership, softball, theater, choir...anything that would keep me away from home for as long as possible... in a way- my escape only allowed them to keep their horrible secrets... once again, I came to the rescue...
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I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. |
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#2
Apr 05, 2014, 04:01 PM
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Not sure if I can keep going back like this... it's making a lot of sense to me with a whole 20/20 perspective, but it's entirely too painful... fast-forward to now... I am 34, been married to my first ever boyfriend for 15 years, we have 3 amazing boys - ages 13, 10, and 8 who are my entire world... I had been estranged from my parents for 12 of the 15 years, they dropped me off in North Carolina at the age of 17, I met my husband and my entire family moved on to Iowa... my husband is an addict- surprised? Of course, not... He is not a raging addict like my parents, he keeps to himself... when I met him he only smoked pot, which I was fine with... never much of a drinker, which I was also fine with... after the birth of our oldest Son, I found out he was using cocaine... we separated for a bit, then reconciled - he continued to use.. I being alone, with a little one dove head first into church- which in and of itself was a new experience for me... God doesn't like divorces, and if you pray long enough, hard enough if you keep yourself straight - He will fix it, right? Eventually my husband did get off cocaine, he had back surgery and moved right into pain pills... 4 years ago he was at the peak of his pill usage- snorting oxycontin, I was DONE... I felt more alone than ever... I googled "how to know when your marriage is over"...he came home from work, did his routine history check, caller ID check, and noticed I had searched for relationship help... next thing I knew he was in the bathroom with a gun to his head... I fled to the neighbors home w/ our kids... I packed our things, and moved to Iowa, to be with a forgotten dysfunction.... what the **** was I thinking??!! My husband followed, he DID stop the pills and was very apologetic for his weaknesses... My family that blames him for everything, and he blames them for everything and I was stuck in the middle of all these people that I love so much that tear me apart every moment of every day... I don't know what to do- I have NEVER invested any time in myself and I don't have a clue as to what I want, or who I am or how to get there...and it is now all coming to head- to one big fat realization that I am so very very lost... and I have never felt more insecure, more unsure than I do right now... I have done a very good job of hiding all of this from my kids, hiding all of this from the world around me... coming to the rescue for others when I am drowning myself...
__________________
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. |
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#3
Apr 05, 2014, 04:09 PM
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Quote:
__________________
“A person is also mentally weak by the quantity of time he spends to sneak peek into others lives to devalue and degrade the quality of his own life.” Anuj Somany “Psychotherapy works by going deep into the brain and its neurons and changing their structure by turning on the right genes. The talking cure works by "talking to neurons," and that an effective psychotherapist or psychoanalyst is a "microsurgeon of the mind" who helps patients make needed alterations in neuronal networks.” Norman Doidge |
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#4
Apr 05, 2014, 05:00 PM
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Quote:
__________________
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. |
 JadeAmethyst
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#5
Apr 06, 2014, 10:50 AM
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Quote:
__________________
“A person is also mentally weak by the quantity of time he spends to sneak peek into others lives to devalue and degrade the quality of his own life.” Anuj Somany “Psychotherapy works by going deep into the brain and its neurons and changing their structure by turning on the right genes. The talking cure works by "talking to neurons," and that an effective psychotherapist or psychoanalyst is a "microsurgeon of the mind" who helps patients make needed alterations in neuronal networks.” Norman Doidge |
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