A couple of weeks ago or so, I read a post on PC that brought back some extremely sensitive, potentially embarrassing... no... humiliating (if anyone else ever knew about them, which no one does) memories. This is stuff I neither would nor could ever talk about with anyone. And since I'm the only one involved, no one else will ever know.

The thing that struck me about this was the lack of emotional impact the flare-up of these memories had. It was like I was recalling a movie I once saw at the theater. In fact, I suspect that many people would have a stronger reaction to an old movie than I had to these events. There was simply nothing there except the bare memory itself.

This lack of emotional response is not news to me. I've had this experience over-and-over during my lifetime. But, for some reason, it just struck me more vividly this time than it has in the past. Perhaps it's because, being on PC now, I'm more aware of how I'm feeling (or in this case not feeling) about things. And in this case, I'm not feeling anything.

I guess in the whole scheme of things this doesn't matter. As I say, no one else will ever learn about this stuff. And yet there is a sense in which it makes me feel very strange to recall these memories & realize that I have no emotional reaction to them what-so-ever. No wonder I'm so screwed up in the head...

[Blitter2014]

Im not sure if you're lack of emotional feelings regarding this experience worrys you or not. From your post it sounds like you might have forgiven yourself for what happened, in which cade its a good thing. Cause what's that old chestnut theres plenty of tome for regret later, but you only have today today. ....

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[Blitter2014]

Hugs

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Originally Posted by Blitter2014

Im not sure if you're lack of emotional feelings regarding this experience worrys you or not. From your post it sounds like you might have forgiven yourself for what happened, in which cade its a good thing. Cause what's that old chestnut theres plenty of tome for regret later, but you only have today today. ....

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Actually it doesn't worry me. But it does make me think about how screwed up I must have always been. All of the mental health professionals I've been involved with have always just treated me as though I simply have major depression & anxiety. (Of course, since they don't know about this other stuff, that makes sense.) But I sometimes wonder, if they knew the whole story, what would they conclude?

As far as forgiveness goes, I don't know. I guess I've never really thought about it in those terms. I think I understand what it was all about... but I don't know, I could be wrong. I do know that being aware that I have this in my past makes me feel deeply disturbed.

Thanks for replying!

[Blitter2014]

Hugs

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[gayleggg]

I hope you don't let this continue to be disturbed about something that is in the past and only you know about it. I think most of us have some dark secret locked away we don't ever want anyone to know. I know I do and if I think about it too long I will start to question my entire life not just the last 30 years but the 30 before that too.

Be kind to yourself. And forgiveness is always good, too. I hope the distrubing thoughts go away soon for you.

[Blitter2014]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I hope you don't let this continue to be disturbed about something that is in the past and only you know about it. I think most of us have some dark secret locked away we don't ever want anyone to know. I know I do and if I think about it too long I will start to question my entire life not just the last 30 years but the 30 before that too.

Be kind to yourself. And forgiveness is always good, too. I hope the distrubing thoughts go away soon for you.

Skeletons. ...oh my......Stay in there. I ws once told to write down the whole horrible raft of skeletons that were gnawing at me then after reviewing, allow a short period of time then tear it up, burn it, destroy it and never look back at it again. I must say it worked for me because I had let it out from within but still nobody knewn. Worth a thought perhaps ?

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[waiting4]

I have ghosts...I think we all do, whether dealing with PD's or not.....but I totally get what has been said in this thread....from a slightly bent standpoint. There was a thing that happened to me when I was a teenager (non sexual) that involved my step-father and I've told a couple people about it. Not deliberately, but we'd get into discussions of our pasts, etc. Never fails, the way I've told it is just matter of fact. My friends, those I've told always, to a person, look horrified as I describe it and I don't use over the top language...just...this happened and this happened.

To me it is just in the past and I've either dealt with it or buried the terror of it so deep it's just a 'thing' now, and of no consequence. But I've stopped telling people about it. They don't seem to be able to handle it, and that just makes me feel weirder than I already feel.

Yup... I get that, Waiting4! I've had kind-of the same experience talking about suicide. I've been to the edge often enough at this point that it no longer scares me. But other people just get all weirded out about it. So now, other than on PC, I don't typically even join into other peoples' discussions on the subject. Thanks for replying to my post!