[kala83]

I feel ****ing rejected as to having a social life,

I just had to get rid of my two best friends people that just were in no way shape or form good for me in anyway...
and I want badly to meet a group of my boyfriends friends cause I am tired of only spending time with him ...

and him alone, well I am starting to realize that me not having any other friends any more to go to and see or hang out with is causing a lot of damage onto me and him...

it feels like all I do any more is go to work and work, I don't do anything for myself aside from see my boyfriend and that does not seem like a good balance of things any more and I am trying horribly so not to let it get to me to not feel hurt or rejected by it...but it does make him feel lowly and terrible and I am tired of holding it in....

I am tried of faking that everything in life is ok when it is ******.....

I hide the side of my self I show on this site from everyone else.....and I wish i did not have too I wish I could be myself and that people knew how I truly was....I am tired of being alone and not having anyone to do things with...I know I have social anxiety but I am tired of this telling me how I can or can't handle things in my life.

[Stronger]

I'm so sorry that this has been so tough for you. I know how hard it is to live two different lives...the inside one that no one knows about and the outside one that you show everyone else. It zaps the energy out of you and is just plain exhausting.
It may not feel like it right now, but you are strong. And you can be strong enough. So hang in there, friend.

[shabur]

I'm sorry, kala83, that you are struggling.

What you are feeling sound similar to what I have and do feel. I have social anxiety, I have had bad relationships that have ended and I have tried hiding my mental illnesses. I think I was looking to fill a hole in my life with anything/anybody without regard for what I needed.

I've been struggling with minor depression since early childhood, but hit that wall that knocked me on my ***** about 10 years ago. I have SMDD, GAD, SAD and PTSD. I didn't want anyone to know. The only people who did know were my sisters and brother, and I asked them not to tell anyone. As hard as they tried, they didn't understand what it meant to have a mental illness. It wasn't until I was hospitalized for being suicidal that they realized how significant my illness is. It wasn't until I let them talk to my psychiatrist that they understood how awful I felt and that it wasn't going to "just go away".

After I was released from the hospital, I had the attitude that, while I'm not going to go around announcing that I have these disorders, I wasn't going to go out of my way to hide it. There are people who now know. The friends I have now are true friends. My extended family knows and they have been very supported.

I've been on medications and in therapy for these past 10 years, and while that may seem like a long time, it's what I need. With the exception of PTSD, my other mental disorders are hereditary and I will have them the remainder of my life.

I have bad days where I feel lost and alone, and that no one understands. I feel angry and sad and hopeless and helpless and ... But I also have good days where the sunshine seems a bit brighter, the air a bit clearer, the day much better.

Are you currently in any treatment? Medications? Therapy? Group Therapy? Besides medications and individual therapy, I joined a therapy group. These were women with whom I had something in common. These women helped me better understand myself. These women helped me work through some of my issues. And best of all, these women are now wonderful friends that I can turn to when I need help.

What I learned is I do need to take care of myself which sometime means appearing selfish to others. I learned what my limits are. And I also had to take a hard look at the friendships I did have to determine if they were healthy. I ended many of those friendships and I did find myself feeling very lonely, wondering why I did what I did.

Have you heard the saying "necessity is the mother of invention"? Look at what is necessary for you to find that life you want and deserve. It may take time, effort and a lot of bravery, but you are worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Originally Posted by kala83

I feel ****ing rejected as to having a social life,

I just had to get rid of my two best friends people that just were in no way shape or form good for me in anyway...
and I want badly to meet a group of my boyfriends friends cause I am tired of only spending time with him ...

and him alone, well I am starting to realize that me not having any other friends any more to go to and see or hang out with is causing a lot of damage onto me and him...

it feels like all I do any more is go to work and work, I don't do anything for myself aside from see my boyfriend and that does not seem like a good balance of things any more and I am trying horribly so not to let it get to me to not feel hurt or rejected by it...but it does make him feel lowly and terrible and I am tired of holding it in....

I am tried of faking that everything in life is ok when it is ******.....

I hide the side of my self I show on this site from everyone else.....and I wish i did not have too I wish I could be myself and that people knew how I truly was....I am tired of being alone and not having anyone to do things with...I know I have social anxiety but I am tired of this telling me how I can or can't handle things in my life.

I'm sorry, I know just how you feel.

[kala83]

what worse is a lot of times when i try to confide in people other then on this forum about my issues to them it seems like on the surface all I am doing is making excuses or using my disabilities as crutch.

and it does get old after a while me saying this is hard for me cause of my bipolar or because of my anxiety is not using it as a crutch its using a valid ****ing fact about life. and but just cause that is a fact of life does not mean there aren't facts of that there physiological skill be them cognitive, DBT or otherwise that can teach people how have these issues in life to cope with their disabilities in a better way.

Just like someone that is blind can live with their condition but your not going to see that person falt out sit there and lie to you about their condition just like a person that can't walk is not going to lie about having to live in a wheel chair.

So why for us that have mental health issues is it expected of us to lie about our conditions or feel shame when we talk about them.

I suppose its not so much in my case that people don't get that my life is difficult due to what I go to just sometimes depending how stressed out I actually am I refer back to my disabilities often.

[brainhi]

Pretending has been one of the hardest things for me to do. There are so very few people I can be "who I really am" with. I understand. Me, personally, I would rather not have a boyfriend then one I have to be phony with and about. I understand your frustrations. From my experiences, it's rare to have that totally real relationship with - friend or lover.