I Am In Hell

For the past few days I have not slept-- I have been crying in my bed all night, usually with my body all twisted up and clenched. I am very confused and disoriented. Can't stop crying. I don't want to work at Curves. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be in healthcare. I don't want to live here. I don't want to be around people anymore. My head hurts very badly. I don't know whether to hurt myself, drink, eat, scream. Doesn't matter anyway. I've come to the realization that I don't have a healthy relationship with food and never have. All my life I've either starved myself or severely overate. I've never enjoyed food and I've always been scared of eating around other people. I've lost a lot of weight, and people tell me I look good but it makes me cry and want to scream, and I don't understand why it does. I'd rather be happy and healthy than be told I look great. I hate doctors, they don't care and are ****in retarded. Douchebag doc hasn't checked my lithium levels in at least 6 months, although I've requested that some labwork be done. I hate people, people don't understand. They don't want to understand. I think I am broken.

Sorry ... so sorry

(((((((((indigo1015))))))))))
I'm glad you were able come here and talk to us. I can tell you are really hurting. Crying all night would give me a headache, too. Are you seeing a psychiatrist or just a gp? I'm sorry he is not more attentive. You might want to look for a new one.

I'm sure you can find people on PC that can relate to your food issue. I am going through a starvation period myself. I've lost 45lbs, I thought I would be satisfied with this but I'm not. Now I say just another 10lbs. But I feel like **** and am very depressed. I know eating healthy would probably make me feel better but I can't force myself at this time. Check out our forums and post when you wish. There is always someone willing to listen. Hope you feel better soon.

Hey gayle... yeah I've asked my psych's medical assistant to do this at least twice now... I don't feel he is listening. I know he just got back from vacation or something, but if you're a doctor, you need to be on the ball regarding your patients. Unfortunately, few doctors are. Yeah I'll try to find a group or something on here that has people who also have food issues. Thanks for your post, it made me feel a little better.

Indigo1015 i completely understand what you're going through i feel the same way as you do all we can do is hope that everything will get better soon i wish you well

Oh my dear friend Indigo1015. I'm so sorry to see that you're feeling rock bottom, yes I sure can feel your vibes that you're in a real bad place. I UNDERSTAND your serious issues regarding the eating disorder. I to am severely restricting at the moment, well I have been for many months. I'm trying to loose the extra ugly rolls of flesh that I acquired when I started taking Seroquel. It wasn't just the Seroquel that made me gain weight, I was pigging out sometimes too when I was depressed. I've been anorexic/bulimic and hospitalised a number of times. I'm totally obsessed, I mean TOTALLY. I've not eaten a Christmas dinner with my family for 33 years! They are so used to my ''funny ways'' that they know not to say anything, sad isn't it? I spend ages checking myself in every available mirror. I constantly compare myself to other women in supermarkets etc heck I even look in their baskets to see what they are buying, check out whether they are fat or thin............................it goes on and on without relief. I'm not depressed at the moment but boy is my OCD thinking bad or what when I'm depressed. Oh don't get me started on the subject of Dr's!!!!!!!!!!!! I've had a terrible fight with my stupid Psych Dr. I'll come back to you and tell you all about that one, it's as bit long to write now as I've gotta go check my messages elsewhere. Anyways darling, chin up, hard as it is I know. I'll be here if you want to talk or vent/rant!! Take care, HUGS and LOVES, as ever. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I don't want to work at Curves. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be in healthcare. I don't want to live here."

Do you know what you want to do? Is there something other than health that you would like study?

Gentle hug. Life is very difficult for you right now. I am very depressed so I don't know if it's the right thing to say but getting to talk with someone to help you make changes in your life seems vital. Small changes may help a lot. I've had times in my life when things got to be too much for me. Talking with people who could help me make changes helped. You are very brave, strong and sweet. I send you a calm, caring, pink bubble of light energy. May the things you need fall into place for you.

Thanks for the bubble :-) Yes, I've talked to my instructors... they really want me to stay in pharmacy tech, and are suggesting maybe a vet hospital as a possible place to work, since I love animals. Other people are suggesting maybe I do this and then something else on the side as well, to stimulate both sides of my brain. Both are good possibilities. Summer break is coming up too-- I need it badly.

That's something I definitely need to think about... honestly, I think my mind will clear once I get a break from school, summer break is coming up and I'm heading east for the week...

Thanks everyone for the hugs and good wishes... I think I'll be okay once I cool down and find a way to clear my head... my friends and my Curves boss said something interesting, which basically led to the same idea-- they said that I've lost so much weight in such a short time that it will take some time for my head to catch up. It's a thought...

Enjoy your summer break. Hopefully you can return with renewed hope.