Thought I was better but then...

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was about four.

I saw the change in the pictures of myself as a little girl. I went from having a sweet angelic smile to an etched scowl and hollowed out angered eyes. I do have brief spaces of time when mental illness seems to be something others have and I Had.

Anyone looking at me from a distance wouldn't think much of me. Averagely average and quiet. But inside me lies rage and anger at people I perceive are getting the best of me. Sometimes i hate myself but mostly I hate others. I try hard to hide the hate with sweet smiles and flowing dresses but the hate lies under.

I've taken the antisocial personality disorder test many times and always fail. I have no interest in manipulating or causing pain to others I just get angry at those I perceive are helping to "ruin" what short time I have on Earth. I have no interest in socializing with lots of people or even being noticed - I enjoy my privacy. But I want to relax those angry hateful thoughts not because I care about being "nice" to others but because being angry all the time is very uncomfortable.

I'm stable on meds, eat healthy, refrain from alcohol, exercise and listen to Eckart Tolle daily but still I rage inside.

Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. Have you spoken to your T about how you feel?

I hope you're feeling less uncomfortable soon!

Thanks for the hugs. I was in therapy for two years but right now I'm not.

Well, depending on how this is affecting you (totally negative, kinda negative but your're dealing with it, not negative at all) you may want to revisit therapy...if only to address something that you clearly find uncomfortable.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but I wish you well.

I can relate to some of what you wrote, but I don't think I'm antisocial, just avoiding certain situations and people. A lesson well and long-learned: people will hurt you if they can, but I've through too much not to still know how to be defensive. I don't know if you are in T but perhaps you could talk through the angry thoughts or inner rage as you describe it. Maybe it's a persistent reaction to something which happened before in your life.

I tend to be very suspicious of people always wondering what their angle is...what do they want from me. I don't think people are trying to harm me I don't think their all that interested to tell you the truth. But I've noticed most people in my life are only kind to me if there is a reward attached. If they don't see how I can make their life better they ignore me. I don't like feeling this way it is very lonely and isolating but each time I try to ignore those feelings I wind up getting hurt. IDK.

I think that trust must be earned overtime.
But if your defenses are up from the beginning, you may miss out on one/two people who would be a good friend.
Don't blindly give someone your friendship/trust but give people a chance.
H.