[lozza89]

Hi,

so my Grandma is really sick and deteriorating fast. She's just gone into a nursing home and is now in hospital. She has pretty much given up on living and just wants to die already.

I have still not gone to visit her.. i don't think I am able to but still I feel really horrible and bad for not doing so. Does not seeing her make me a bad and horrible person?

Things just seem to be moving so fast. And we sold her house today it hadn't even 'officially' gone on the market! 7 years ago my Grandpa died and consequently my drinking got very out of hand. I keep trying to tell myself if I just ignore what everyone is telling me, not let myself acknowledge how close to the end she really is then maybe just maybe she won't die and this isn't really happening..

maybe, just maybe.. maybe..

I don't even know how I am feeling right now!

sorry for the pointless post, I just feel like I need to reach out to someone right now, someone that wont 'judge me'

[brainhi]

only you can decide what is best for you. would you consider writing to her - and letting her know how much she is loved?

[Frankbtl]

Hi lozza............"Does not seeing her make me a bad and horrible person?" that would depend on why you didn't go. But it's not that you don't care is it, in fact it's the very opposite of that by the sounds of it. It's because you care so much, so how can that make you a bad and horrible person??!!
But you know that not going isn't going to make anything any different, right? So perhaps try to have a think about what might help you through this time, and what might make you feel better when you look back on this time in the future. Of course that can be really hard if not impossible to tell but at least if you've considered it now.
It might be you want to ask a family member or friend to go along with you (and either stay or not stay with you), it might be you want to just stop by very briefly for a last "goodbye", it might be you ask someone to take in a card with a personal note in it for her, it might be if you're religious you just want to pray for her, it might be that you want to just try to remember her the way she was/have those to keep as your memories of her/keep those to honour her (and there's absolutely nothing wrong at all with that), or it might just be that you can't visit because it's too painful and no-one (least of all you) should judge you on that. The main, most important thing is how you feel about her........and that says everything about you, her, her life as you knew her.
And as for your drinking when your Grandpa died, well your Grandma would have probably understood your pain, right? So if you're thinking you could have done more.......well she probably would have understood some of the reason why.
And the drinking..........do you think you need some support from maybe the AA right now, not just because of the drinking (if you are now or not) but through this difficult time in your life with/without the drinking??
Anyway, let us know how it's going for you if you're able to.
Here for you

Alison

When my grandmother was dying (she was 100 years old!) I could not, just could not, go to the nursing home to see her. My mother had died just the year before and I'd had a number of other recent deaths. My family members were there with my grandmother. She and I had a definite respect and a certain love for each other, but we'd never been very close. Honestly, I never have regretted not going to see her just before her death. And that's the truth. Strangely, I hope that when I'm dying my family comes to see me...but maybe I won't feel that way when it's actually happening. Your decision might be the best one for both you and your grandma. Do you think that's possible?

[BLUEDOVE]

I've done same over years with different people I
loved. I could not bear to see them deteriorate and
die. I wanted to remember them the way I knew them.

[lozza89]

Thankyou for all the replies, really means a lot.

..my drinking is better than what it was (a recent hospital admission helped a bit with that) but I am so scared that it won't stay like that. It kind of feels that life is just pointless and why I am even still here trying, still fighting my very head to keep safe and stay alive.

I remember one day when I was younger. My grandma and grandpa were looking after me one day after school as my parents were at a funeral. A friends mum came to pick me up (we had a play date arranged) and my grandma would not let me leave the house until I put my jumper on (it was 18+ degrees outside!) I hated her for making such a big fuss over it, threatening not to let me go unless I put my jumper on. But I did lover her too... my grandparents saw things in me that not even my parents were willing to see, like my eating disorder!

I hurt them, both so much, my grandparents.. but I guess you never realise how much someone means to you, how much you love them until they are dying or even worse, gone.

..my mum keeps bringing it up. Telling me to just visit grandma already, that she is scared I will regret it if I don't see her and say goodbye.

I just wish so much that she would listen to my decision and just accept it. Sometimes I just wish she would disappear and leave me alone and I know I sound like a horrible daughter saying that right now but I don't know how many more times I can tell her that I just can't see her, that I am no where near strong enough for that!!! I just wish she would listen to me

[Frankbtl]

Hi lozza, it sounds like you were very close to your grandparents. And it's so easy to start thinking of all the things you "could have", "should have done" at a time like this but at the time you didn't have the hindsight you have now. You just did what you could at the time.
So please don't regret what happened in the past, there is nothing you can do about that now, and the love you shared with them was the strongest thing in the relationship. It doesn't deserve to be overshadowed by all the "What if........"'s, ""Maybe.........."'s. So let it have it's rightful place, hey? First and foremost
You clearly mattered a lot to them, so don't let that go.
And cherish some of that closeness, the meaningful, the positive, the important times you had with them. All those feelings/times are still there for you to draw on, to give you comfort.
And as for your mum........"she is scared I will regret it if I don't see her and say goodbye".........the decision is entirely yours, what's right for you. And if you decide/feel that you can't go, well if you "bowed to the pressure" and went for the sake of someone else then there's every chance you'd regret going much more than if you hadn't have gone.
So if you don't go, maybe you can think of a way to say "goodbye" to her in your own way?? Even talk to your mum about how you may to do that if you want, because she's probably/hopefully thinking of what might make things easier for you right now.
I'm just thinking, maybe there's a place that was special to her in her life, maybe you could leave a note/something there for her............but just something personal??
But really well done on improving with the drinking, it couldn't have been easy so kudos to you!! It might just be that you need a little extra support with that right now, which would be completely understandable, so do you think you could do some AA meetings or even check out the Addictions forum on here for support??
But here if you want to talk.............

Alison

Originally Posted by lozza89

Hi,

so my Grandma is really sick and deteriorating fast. She's just gone into a nursing home and is now in hospital. She has pretty much given up on living and just wants to die already.

I have still not gone to visit her.. i don't think I am able to but still I feel really horrible and bad for not doing so. Does not seeing her make me a bad and horrible person?

Things just seem to be moving so fast. And we sold her house today it hadn't even 'officially' gone on the market! 7 years ago my Grandpa died and consequently my drinking got very out of hand. I keep trying to tell myself if I just ignore what everyone is telling me, not let myself acknowledge how close to the end she really is then maybe just maybe she won't die and this isn't really happening..

maybe, just maybe.. maybe..

I don't even know how I am feeling right now!

sorry for the pointless post, I just feel like I need to reach out to someone right now, someone that wont 'judge me'

Hey,

thanks for sharing this with us,

it is not a pointless post, it's good that you are reaching out.

I think as long as your grandma knows that you love her deep down despite everything, that will never dissipate. I'm sorry that it's painful for you to see her like that, if it will help you with the grief then it's understandable.

I cannot imagine how you must be feeling, but you have support here