I understand lonliness

For most of my life I have had a weight problem. I lived such a horrible life as a child and a teen. As bad as I was bullied at school for what I looked like, at home it was ten times worse. I would hide because I did not know where to go to find peace. I was used as the reason for my families problems. My family was the original violent, alcoholic and dysfunctional family on the planet. I use to say if you looked up the word dysfunctional it would have my family’s name listed.
I discovered bulimia when I was nineteen and lost over 110 pounds and all of the sudden I was hot. I stayed that way for 35 years. I did not do it when I had my children or when I broke my neck. I gained 120 pounds when I broke my neck. I was a runner before and for 4 years I could not get back into running or working out.
Finally, about five months ago I decided enough was enough and I started working out again and stopped drinking. I have lost 60 pounds so far and I was doing great. About 8 weeks ago I had a very bad family situation happen and I ended up very much alone. I started drinking, stopped running and isolated myself, I still did what I learned to do so many years ago, and I hid. Finally things started to get better. The one thing I have found is that at 60 years old that poor child who lived hiding, still hides for fear of being bullied and made fun of or even more, rejected. For the life of me I often wonder how I survived.
I do know this; as bad as it was and has been I would not change who I am or what I have gone through. Well, maybe a little less pain.
What I do have today: Two amazing daughters who have dealt with a mom that has so many issues .Yet, even when we go through issues like we just had we rally back together and become tight and safe again. I have seven of the most amazing, loving, and talented, adorable, cute and sweet grandchildren on this planet. I have one son in-law who truly sees me as his mom, and another who calls me the best mother in-law there is.
I guess what I am saying is, I survived. Life is a hard road and we don’t get handed a perfect script but through all of it we get happiness along the way. I know my girls and my grandchildren will have ups and downs but I hope that they will be able to one day look at me and say well if mom-grandma survived it so can I.

A good message for all here. Remember, Bullying is all about Control. You are an surviver.

Thank you so very much Thunder Bow... I have been reading some of the other post and I feel so sad for the people who deal with the pain of weight, looks or any rejection and bullying. There are times I think how great it would be to go back to those people from school who handed me all of this pain because of their own mental and self-esteem issues. I look at my family and I see how they are all living today and the pain and sadness they live is worse than mine. I am also sure that many of the people who bullied me did not get such great life results. By the way I went back and saw many of them on Facebook. Let me tell you, not so good.
I don't know the answers for everyone but I do know that I never wanted to die because through it all there was a slight glimmer of hope. I hope that someday when someone feels so lost they don't want to leave their home or worse they want to end their life, they just take a moment and think; I will just try to get to tomorrow and then another tomorrow will come. If you have to keep aiming for another tomorrow eventually you survived and peace will come...
Thank you

Thank You. You seem strong, and have moved above and away from the Family Dynamics of your past. Honor yourself for doing this much.