I am at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with my feelings of deep anger towards my mother, who I live with, and who has done little to instigate them. I am a recent college grad, and I realize that much of my frustration directed toward her has to do with job search anxiety, the intense desire to leave home and become my own person, etc...
I try meditating, which helps, but perhaps I need more therapy? My relationship with my dad is never like this: It's always with my mother that the littlest things can cause a flare up of anger, and either I leave the house, shut myself in my room, or turn it inwards on myself. I haven't had a real shouting match with her since before college...but this repression is terrible!
I wish I could focus on just getting my own apartment, but I'm lost in my own pursuit of life goals, and it's easy to blame her. She divorced my father when I was mid-highschool, and by the time I graduated I felt as though she had mentally checked out of mothering, though she was physically there. It's easy to blame her (and dad) for letting me go to a college they knew very little about, which turned out to be the worst decision of my life. I was living with her while i applied and she didn't bother to oversee what I was doing or even check out the colleges herself!
I love my mother, but I don't think I like her at all right now, and even writing this feels so childish. But I can't help that part of how I feel...how can I help the anger though?

[Travelinglady]

Hi, bluedonna. I suspect you are still somewhat dealing with the divorce and the aftermath. Remember that your mom was likely going through a lot of emotional turmoil, too. But, yes, it would have been nice if she could have been there for you more. I didn't get greatly involved in my children's choices of schools in the sense of insisting they not go to any they wanted to. She likely assumed you had made up your mind and that you were happy with your choice. (I am sorry it didn't work out the way you had hoped, but nobody can predict the future.)

Yes, I think you would find therapy helpful in dealing with these issues. Also, be planning for the future, when you can move out. Okay?

[jimmy rich]

bluedonna92

I realize that much of my frustration directed toward her has to do with job search anxiety, the intense desire to leave home and become my own person, etc...

I learned from a radio therapist, Dr David Viscott about accurately identifying the thing or target for my anger, etc. It turns out that many of us angry people often shoot at an easier or safer target of our anger because we can't or won't aim our anger at the REAL source of it so maybe you are attacking your mother INSTEAD of the thing or person who truly deserves your anger.

how can I help the anger though?

The only thing that ever helped my anger was to carefully focus it on the thing or person I was angry with and confront them or write out my angry, hurt and sad feelings in journals so I was getting it out of my self and venting or discharging. There is a lot to doing anger work so get some books about it or see a counselor for suggestions. The main thing is to send your angry energy to the CORRECT TARGET and vent or discharge as best and safe as you can.
good luck,
jim

[agatha9]

If this is mainly about her not paying so much attention to you as you needed, maybe you should remember, not just what she went through when your parents were getting divorced, but what she for you before.

There must be a lot of good memories. Sometimes we focus much more on the dark side than on the bright side. You felt abandoned and you still feel that way, but maybe your mother felt her world falling apart at that time. She could have lost control of many things.

Remember the good times and don't let this distract you from your goals.

[tealBumblebee]

Hi Donna, I can actually relate to you so much because, like you, i'm post undergrad and moved back in, a lot of repression, wishing I was on my own etc. Obviously, because i'm in the same position I can't offer the best advice but I have realized that what helps me is to focus less on her (though she definitely still irks me) and more on understanding that I am an adult and figuring out how to live like one. Financially I would be homeless without her, and I do appreciate what I am given but more importantly, any change that is made now will be because of my own choices, decisions and actions. I say, set some goals, start small (one of mine involved telling my mom less about my choices before making them) and as you gradually accomplish them you might find that you feel more independant and though the irritable emotions will not resolve, it will become less or a stressor and more of a motivator. I hope I helped at least a little. *hugs* and good luck!