[norwegianwoman]

Hello! I am new to these forums, so it is possible these emotional topics have been discussed before.

I am a woman nearing my mid-20s. I am rather outgoing, I have plenty of friends and a big family which loves me. I haven't ever really had a problem getting to know new people and I am good at smalltalk, and so forth. I am not afraid to speak my mind or go into debates about anything from the goings-on of life, books or TV shows to national or global politics or even philosophy. I would assume that to most people, I appear very social and well-adjusted. I have never really been afraid to express myself and have had several people telling me they admire that about me, particularly people who are quite shy.

Compared to most people, I am extremely lucky. I have grown up and live in one of the richest countries on the planet. I am surrounded by people who care about me, I am pursuing the career I always dreamt of, even with pretty much success, this far. I am aware of all of this, and I am extremely grateful. I am in no way a religious woman, so I am not grateful to a God or an abstract force; but I am grateful to my parents who brought me into this world. I am grateful that coincidentally, this was where I was born and this is where I live, a beautiful, prosperous country.

I know all of this, and even though I am grateful for it, and feel like I have nothing I should complain about, I still feel so incredibly alone. It is hard to explain. I am (maybe wrongfully) assuming that this is a normal feeling. I used to think love was finding the person who would make you stop feeling lonely. Now I think love is finding a person who understands that you're lonely and who is lonely with you, in your own way. In Norwegian, loneliness is translated to "ensomhet". En means one. There is a word here, which I love, called "tosomhet". It is the same, only "en" is switched for "to", which means two. Roughly speaking it means being lonely together.

Sorry for this distraction. I have an ugly tendency of writing way too long posts.

Either way, the point is that I do feel alone. I am no one's first choice. I suppose that is in a way the curse of having several friends. I have for years had very many good friends, but no BEST friend. No person for whom it would be natural to come to me first, to call me first.

I sometimes feel like I sit alone in my apartment, watching tv shows on Netflix or cleaning or reading, eating dinner for one yet again, while no one calls or texts. Not even during weekends. Sometimes, maybe, if it's a group get-together, a dinner or going out for a drink. But, most of the time, unless I initiate, I don't really have plans. Unless I send that text or make that call. And even then, most of the time, the answer I get is that people have plans or are working or whatever. And even though I know it is patethic, I am a grown woman after all, not a child; it still hurts. It hurts seeing all (and I mean ALL, I can only think of very few people I know who are single and none of them are my closest friends) my friends finding great persons to be with, to see them go out on dates and family dinners and even moving in together. I am happy for them, but it still hurts a bit, because I know that their loved one always comes first. I have a close relationship with several of my friends, some of whom I've virtually known my entire life, and we can talk about literally anything. But I rarely meet them alone, we're usually a group of at least three, often their significant other is there, then they always leave early (that's one of the most annoying couple habits there is). So I have lots of friends, and we can talk, but even so I feel alone.

I have always felt a bit different than my friends. I know it's a cliché, but I always felt a bit like an older person stuck in the body of a youth. Sure, I love being childish, I love to go out for a drink, I enjoy festivals, concerts etc. But I always preferred a pub and a conversation to a night club, always preferred Dylan, Joplin, Beatles, Rolling Stones and Leonard Cohen to Rihanna or Lady Gaga or whichever music people my age have listened to (this also went for when I was younger, teenager etc., not just now). I have always preferred books to movies. I don't mind spending a saturday at my parents' place watching TV. I enjoy parties with close friends, but I like a dinner party just as much. I was active in politics for many years when I was younger, there I found many people I connected with. Now I no longer do that, not only because it's not compatible with my line of work but also because I outgrew it, and it has just outlined for me how different I feel. It's common for me to sit at a table with friends and acquaintances, listening to the chat, and still feeling entirely alone, almost like I was watching the table from a distance and I just sorta stood out from the crowd.

Finally reaching the end now, sorry for the blabbering. I am hopeless at writing short texts. The point is, I am pretty sure everyone feels like this, also people who, like me, appear to have a very full and social life. Sometimes it brings me almost on the verge of depression, and I wonder that if I just locked my doors and stayed indoors for weeks, would anyone notice? I know there are very many people who care about me, but their lives are so busy. And that bothers me, that makes me feel incredibly alone.

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with these feelings? How to cope, apart from binge watching TV shows while waiting for someone to answer the texts I've sent out asking to do something together? I don't want to be naggy, but I already feel like I almost am as I take most of the initiative, particularly for one-on-one-meetings instead of group get-togethers. To me, that translates to: People want to meet me and be with me, but it's natural for them to meet me as part of a group of friends. Not as natural to do something with just ME. And that makes me feel less valued as anything else than filling a role in a group, so to speak.

[kaliope]

I could completely identify with what you were saying years ago and I sat here wondering what changed that it doesn't bother me anymore because it really isn't a problem for me anymore and all I can think is that I have raised my self esteem to where I am comfortable with myself these days to where I don't mind being alone. that is all I can think of....take care.......

[glok]

Hello, norwegianwoman. You are a valuable person. While I have no advice, I know what being alone is. This link puts in words my thoughts:

LONELINESS---Loneliness of Spirit: Deeper than the Reach of Love by James Leonard Park.

Your circumstances do not seem to be coincidental. I wish you well.

[Zoe86]

Hy norwegianwoman!

I can completely understand you. I'm in the same situation as you right now. It's like I'm in stagnation and everybody around is moving forward, without me. It's such a lonely place. Sometimes I imagine, if I would just disappear, anybody would notice it. I know these are very bad thoughts, but it's also very difficult for me to pull me out from this low. I try the hardest the find a way out from this sad situation, but haven't found a solution yet.
I hope I will soon, because it can't go on like that.

I'm sorry I couldn't help you, but I needed to say my thoughts!

[Hellion]

It is a feeling very familiar to me, however my life is not going very well as yours is...but that really has no bearing on it, you could have everything and still be unhappy. But yeah not really sure a solution for feeling like that, I mean usually feeling alone is alleviated by having people who care or to interact with or whatever...when that doesn't work what are you left with? It is frustrating...but you certainly are not alone with that feeling.

[Nina Simone]

I'm a lot older at 53 but I'm going through the same thing. Recently I initiated and planned a spa day including lunch with two of my oldest friends. One of which I had not spoken to in almost a year. She told me she thought about me but contacting me was like a job. It required a large window of time. At first I was hurt by this but then I really thought about it and I understood. I gave her the position in my live of my old and dear friend while I am just someone she grew up with and use to be close to. We are still girlfriends but only in the most casual way.

When I thought about this I realized I have the same problem with several people in my life. It's not that they don't care about me or don't like me but I'm a low priority. I keep asking myself why have I given them a place of prominence? Now I'm looking much closer at who I consider a friend. I also need to find my "tribe" LoL. I have to work harder at not spending time alone and being inside my head. I need to work on the good relationships I have and add to them.

September for me is always a time to start new projects so this year I am my own project. I've started journaling & blogging again, I plan on participating more here at psychcentral, I'm going back to seeing a therapist and possibly into DBT again and I'm starting a vision board. I've always heard people talk about vision boards so I figured why not give it a go! I know I need a better support system and no one is going to do that for me. I'm also planning to start attending church again. I feel like a spiritual connection would be good for me. I plan on looking into Buddhism. I figure I can pretty much attend any place and see where I'm led.

I don't know how things will work for me or if any of this is even interesting to you! I will post and say how things are going. Good Luck To You! I hope you find everything you need.

[norwegianwoman]

Thanks for the support I have actually attempted journalling again, too, after years of "diary silence". It's great to hear how others are coping with feeling alone or under-appreciated. Nina Simone, you might be onto something there - I sometimes think that I view my friends differently than other people do. Even if I don't talk to them for years I still feel just as close to them when we eventually get back in touch. In a way this is good, because I care about people for a long time and keep friends others lose, but I might give them too big a place in my heart compared to how they feel about me.

You had plenty of good advice in your post, it is a good thing that you are becoming more active on these boards Personally I think journalling and blogging may work for me, aswell as truly considering who my friends are and if we value each other equally. When it comes to religion, though, I chose to abstain - it is a choice I made long ago, and now it just feels all wrong and hypocritical to me. I respect and sometimes even envy those who can believe in God or other "supernatural forces", but I simply can't. Even if I wanted to. It is something I am comfortable with and something which encourages me to make the best out of life, as I truly believe it is all we have, a blink of the moment in the history of the world. This is different for everyone, I assume, so it is still good advice for those who do feel connected to a religious force Good luck to you in your endeavours! Using september to focus on YOU is an awesome plan. We should all do that.

And to kaliope: I appreciate your support and insight, but I don't really believe the problem here lies in me not liking my own company - because I do. Sometimes I even prefer being by myself reading or watching a TV show, drinking wine, instead of going out but I feel like I have to because I don't want to miss an opportunity to be with the people I care about. I read, I write, I watch TV shows and movies, I love music - there are plenty of things for me to by myself, so that's not really the issue. I'm not bored when I'm alone - I'm just LONELY, regardless of how entertained I am. If that makes any sense.

I think the main problem is that I have no one to CONFIDE in. Such as, today I had a huge fight with my sister, and she claimed something about our mom that really shocked me to the core and disturbed me deeply. I was meeting one of my best friends, the only one I really can confide in, later today, so I told her the generals of it. But, before we have time to discuss it further other friends show up, or her boyfriend. and so forth. THAT's really the problem, that I don't really feel like I have time to talk about issues bothering me, to confide in someone, because they are all so busy and I don't want to bother them by demanding we meet alone etc.