[secretgalaxy]

NOTE: I just want to say that I'm not in any danger to myself or others.

So lately I have turned for the worse. Like the worse I have ever been with self-harm and my thoughts are going out of control. I know that I won't act on them now or in the near future, but I'm scared of them getting worse. I want help this time instead of letting them settle down on their own and then to resurface again, plus they are getting worse and more intense. I have my next appointment in two weeks and my therapist is in the process of moving (fortunately its closer to me by like a mile) so she is really busy. I want to email her because I feel like in the two week period, I'll talk myself into downplaying it and not say anything at all, but I'm scared that I will be bothering her if I do email since she is busy moving, and has more serious clients than me. Plus I'm scared she will think it is more serious than it is and try to admit me in a hospital or something, or worse tell my mom. I don't think that doing either of those will help me at this moment. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but I think that I do have something going on more than just a teen with mood swings. I don't know what I want, I just... I don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes I feel that I am just doing it for attention, but I'm trying to fight those thought and get help anyway. If at the end it is because of attention, at least I will know that there isn't anything wrong with me and I am just an attention *****. I have been using self-harm as a way to stop thinking about suicide and as a way to punish myself. It tells me that I'm still alive, but I'm running out of space, which has never been a problem with me. My therapist knows about the SI and has seen them, but she doesn't know the major reason behind it because I always hide my true emotions in sessions.

My questions are:

Should I email her?

What experiences did some of you have when you told someone about suicidal thoughts?

Though I will not allow myself to act upon any of the thoughts, I have a plan and fantasize about what it would be like to not be in pain anymore, how my family would be better off... I have heard that if you have a plan, they usually make you an inpatient... how true is that? Like I said I won't act on it, but I do have one, more to just give me a false safety net. I just want to get better...

Thanks for reading.

[Thunder Bow]

You are getting better. I can see that in how you write. As others here would advise. "Go ahead an tell your Therapist"

[Abe Froman]

I had not really been in therapy before, except when I was a kid and my mom made me go to one.

But a few weeks ago I went on my own, I was there for myself and knew I wouldn't get much out of it if I didn't pour everything into it. So on the first day I told my therapist about my past suicide feelings and plans and attempts and my current feelings.

It was a huge load off of my chest to be able to tell someone, especially someone who could react correctly. Not that family and friends will automatically judge or anything, it's just I guess maybe I thought I'd catch them off guard. But I felt so much better after telling her, even with the chance that she might want me to go to the hospital.

I later talked to her about people on the internet saying they couldn't be fully honest with their therapist about it, she said they should find a new therapist. I'm not saying that's what you should do, but I think you should open up to yours. And honestly if it's decided that you go to the hospital for a minute, maybe it could help. I know it's scary at your age, I was stuck in one overnight when I was maybe 11 or so. But therapy is like everything else in life, you get out of it what you put into it. Give it 100% so you can get better. I can't really tell you whether you should email her or not, it sounds like you want to, and I think you would feel better to "say it out loud" even if it's in an email.

[secretgalaxy]

Thanks guys I still haven't emailed her yet, but reading these have pushed me to go ahead and do so. I just know that I can't go to a hospital, I can't let my mom know how bad off I really am. She is going through a lot of stress and then for me to come out with something like this, I'm scared that it will push her off the edge, mentally. Plus, putting me in a hospital would make me lose all trust in anybody, as I don't feel like a threat to myself, and a hospital setting scares me beyond belief. I love my therapist and she has helped me with A LOT of things, so I think that this is just me not being able to put myself out there. It took me a while to tell her about my self-harming but when I did, I did feel better, and we are working on it. Now this is just the next step I guess. I think the hardest part is that I want to help myself, but I have kept quiet for so long that I forgot that these feelings aren't normal, if that makes sense.

[IrisBloom]

Your T can't help with anything you don't tell her about. Saying it out loud can be a relief, that someone knows about it and you are not carrying the burden alone. It won't stop the thoughts, but reaching out for help is a step in the right direction.

[secretgalaxy]

I finally emailed her and she has been very supportive so far. I'm going to meet with her soon and hopefully she won't mention hospital or anything else like that. My stomach is in knots, but I am glad that I told her.

[IrisBloom]

I know it's scary to think about going in the hospital, but please do it if you are in danger.

[lozza89]

I hope seeing her went well well done on reaching out to her as I know that is not easy to do at all! Thinking of you