My Time Clock

My whole life has been struggling with this feeling/ingrained fear/belief I intentionally push away pretending it's not on my mind.

I know someday I'll day, I'm afraid of death.

I know what it felt like before, but I'm more afraid of it now more than ever. I feel like my time is precious at the same time, it's not. I'm not suicidal now, but I'm afraid things won't work in the long run in my life, because of my current medical condition of stiff person syndrome going to take my movement in I don't know how long. I choose to go on hoping that something will change on my part with the efforts I'm constantly putting myself in to smell the roses, work hard at my 2nd job, enjoying things I never enjoyed before. Learning new experiences, I'm depressed, because I know this is my last existence. I feel we go through a period of different cycles of life and death and if you aren't doing well overall you'll have one final death. Where some people call it hell, but it's a void in existence where you feel you are trapped forever. Without anything, I still want to believe a God creator a scientist will show proof of my existence. So I don't feel like when I die, I'm done I'm not coming back.

I felt like every day in my life, I'm in a horror film, of my life minutes ticking away I can look in a mirror and at 20 years old. I feel like I can see the clock running down. I avoid thinking like this by keeping myself distracted and nothing has helped in the long run. It's gotten worse as I've gotten older. I'm afraid when my body is taking too much or I'm unable to take care of myself or when I'm too old to function either physically or barely mentally to be my last straw of being rational. I feel obligated ending my life then, not now, because it's not time.

Does anyone understand this? I cry sometimes wishing I never existed here. I feel I made the mistake to coming to be. I've been an old soul, and it's confusing, I know a lot of people I meet don't understand they are still young souls and no matter how young or old. It's like they lack insight on longevity even after death. I meet people who are a bit more mature don't get mad or emotional and be more logical on human experiences and feel like everything has happened before here and there in specific locations. I can understand these kinds of people, but I don't think they know what I'm going through. I am confident, I've lived so many lives with a mix of mostly poor judgements, and some good. I feel like I will die and I don't want to go where it's taking me.

This started when I was very little, it's gotten so bad. I feel like I'm followed, by some things that will end me in pure accident. I'm not suicidal in the sense I want to die, it's the suffering of this feeling is too much and when I know it's going to come very close. I'll end it short, before I suffer a worse ending when it's time.

Most of the time, I'm happy and excited, but I don't know if this is the symptoms of wanting to commit suicide or not.

I never met people who had answers, and it's hard to accept I won't now, because it feels like I have all the answers, and it makes sense to other people strangely I don't know why, but to me. I feel like no one can see me and see what's really going wrong. I've been very very patient with my therapist talking about this slowly, because it's very hard emotionally and confusing to put in perspective, because it deals with things people don't know much anywhere and it's personal experience of things I don't know how I understand at the same time not enough information to give me the closure I need.

What's silly it's not cynical, nor negative, nor "realistic". I used to be negative, but I had 3 near death experiences I'm only 20. It's like sometimes, I don't know if I want to come back to existence after I die. I felt this is my last current life. I felt I wanted to show people great power and answers to add humility and example of showing people of religious and mainly scientific backgrounds real proof of my suffering isn't because I chose to or out of psychosis. It scares me I'm not being heard, because I know when I die. I won't pass along my information. I won't be vague here it is.

Think of time and space as it is now, but it's like a jumbled ball of yarn with so many dividends of ins and outs. Different existences overlapping and dividing to different directions, it's like a bungie cable. I was alive in this current life, but I was a horrible friend, a selfish brat, and an abusive husband. I spent more time pleasure on my sex partners and leaving the people who love me behind for my own vices. My success was desecrated by my lack of gratitude in my last life. I feel like I have to make it up, not because I'm remorseful, it's because it's what I need to do for me all of me's.

Steven hawkings talks about this in one life you maybe more funny, another more fearful, another happy or sad. It's true to a point, I know exactly what he is saying when he described the multiverse. I am confident in this existence and hopeful, because this existence the most immersive than my previous ones and the most connected from the other tied existences. It feels like the the cliff end point existence. I feel after death this transition is the last center process and I won't be back. It's like a dissociation of existence, not like the disorder on emotional things, but yes it is sorta that too,but that was a by product of this.

I wanted to say, I suffer seeing these horrible images of my misbehavior and myself hurting others. I remember, other things, about me being a woman. I know what contractions feel like, I lost my child from my ex aborting her and when she told me. I had the what women would refer contractions. It was excruciating and it was at my left side it was like in my mid back and front abdomen like next to my hip bone, but my therapist and parents say it's a paranormal contraction. Something weird, I'm not the person for short answers. I like to be a know it all, because I feel secure, but deep down. I've learned aging it hasn't done nothing, but show how limited my life, perception and feeling the world of science, the cosmos at this time, and where my life has been trying to break free from existing feels stuck.

I understand if this is too confusing to conceptualize or perceive. I truly do, I know what it was like. It's scary, because I was supposed to be born female but instead male. I have both male and female equilateral traits. I have female hip bones in shape, but a male build over it. After puberty when my muscles came in it's hidden behind them now, except the protrusions that most females have for child bearing hips. I have them too, but guys aren't supposed to have them it's just how I was made.

This is the belief part, I sometimes believe, I chose this body this look and my personality for the good of my intentions in the likeness of how I wanted to be perceived and noticed by others.

I always believed people who aren't on my level of reliving life again, will not see this in an open mind, and will cling to what they know, because they haven't matured in existing. There are people who understand, but feel like I maybe confused. My immediate reaction in my head is, "I hope I am confused."

Why do I hope, I knew it was tied to this, but some of it has faded from false memories and a lot of life trauma. I feel like I'm reminded, by some creepy voice in my head I unintentionally think of, saying, "you got this much so and so time left. choose wisely how you want to spend it."

I'm sad now, because I want someone to tell me they know what I feel and they know what I'm talking about. I'm tired feeling like a madman being patronized with people who have beliefs on whatever. I got beliefs I choose to believe them on religion to push this away. I understand that, but it's much deeper than just actively pushing this away. I don't know how to face it, I thought talking and telling very intelligent minds, and being around people like the dahli lama would have an intuitive response and see where I'm coming from. I feel I'm more connected to the world and choose to live it as it is and be happy with it.

I'm saying when I get old and it's time to go. I will be screaming, shaking, and trying to run somewhere anywhere, because I don't want everyone to go and leave me. I don't want to be gone. I don't know why I feel like I am in spirited away, when everyone is like unaware of the world around them and so they bubble to cope and bubble and shut out the inevitable instead of learning and finding assurance of reading.

So I can tell you I'm not making up psychosis BS, it's that I remember full details of chicago I've never been there and when I went twice. I remember how to get around the city the whole city. No gps, no mapquest, nothing to give example, pure memory. I remember the layout of an old speakesie called the green mill which is now a famous bar in chicago. I found out reading up on the bar it was the hot spot for al capone. I am in love with the twenties, because I knew what it felt like the broadway kind of lights. The high rises had more power to them than they do now. Living then was freeing and simple, complexity came when the depression hit and I had to work on my ford model T in a chop shop in my garage outside of town in IL. I hope you aren't trying to say I'm making this up, I know it's hard to believe because I'm online, but it's so hard to explain how I know this. I used to say, phrases from different eras without knowing it, like slang I said without reading stuff growing up. Coming to find out they were real terms, like I used to say some weird phrase about a guy name frankie, but not frank sinatra, but like it's so hard to remember what I said. It's like don't go barking up another mans doorstep type of phrase. I remember, japan too, in 1982. I remember a tsunami, I don't know if it was that year. I remember, being a woman. I remember living by fukushima, it was foggy and the smog was terrible, but familiar. I remember white colored type of clay look of houses and apartments with small porches on the second floors with the sliding doors like you see in the anime's and also homes with regular doors you see with two padlocks on a curvy street looking northeast to fukushima. It was about 82 degrees a summer day, I was a female. I think I got robbed or something and I felt every feeling of the type of self humiliation and discipline to achieve over my peers and other women to look my best for the boys who played soccer after class. I was very studious stubborn and disobedient to my parents, but I remember. I died in some tragic way and I could see my ma and pa I would call them for short in japanese in some type of slang. Were devastated and I realized while I was still her, I could of made better choices and chose to take care and love my family over my silly games I used to worry over. I was 15 when I died. My first name probably started with a Yu something maybe it's sounded like or similar to Yuhatina.... My last name had an something like Shigumori,

I'm sorry this is long, but this is me trying to tell you things I can't explain. Things I don't know how I know, but it's like my brain is hardwired into all these humans I don't know with mine and it's like I'm not alive I'm reliving their lives. I sometimes feel like I just want to die as me not them.

It may not be anything significant, but I'm telling you it's so hard living life feeling like it doesn't belong to you and when you try to live life shutting out and just enjoy being you. Ten or twenty other dead human souls are coming in shutting you out taking over your life and personality.

I am glad I relieved some of this for now, but it won't be enough it's not going away till my mission is done to prove about my existences and show to scientists and religious people of all cultures religion and science and different religious backgrounds really can coexist, but as they are not as one answer together. They are seperate, because they have to coexist to exist, and to coexist their is a harmony with western and eastern cultures and the science behind to discover all their existence. Their isn't one answer, it's not me telling you should believe what I say, I'd rather you not and believe your own beliefs, because it's what's good for you and it's how it should be I'm having a hard time coping, because people think I'm pushing an agenda and making them change. No you need to believe what you believe for you this is an entirely separate issue beyond the norm.

If anyone reads this fully and has some sort of answer I will be checking regularly and I will be grateful,

I have been plagued with such questions since I was a little kid. I have often been told I am an old soul. My biggest fear is not death but that my personality will cease to exist after death. That there is nothing else. I firmly believe there is but I still have doubt and fear. I have had enough of my own spiritual experiences in life to have learned not to question or disbelieve those of others.

I am very scientific minded by nature and love science. I can tell you that quantum physics and physics in general has come up with some very bizarre questions and theories. Some of which have been proven experimentally and will blow your mind.

Yes this is exactly how I think and how I operate. I hate having to dumb down to others a lot. I personally feel less human than ever since of having so many past lives. On the girl from japan, It may sound or be spelled similar. I know because I remember random japanese words and I took japanese lessons recently and holy crap I remembered everything after learning a simple greeting. I'm not even exposed to japan as much as I thought I was. It's crazy I know what it's like to hide your emotions and bringing honor to your household and respecting others being quiet around boys and not talk too much or else I would come off as crazy or clingy. In japan, as a girl being reserved and when the right man comes in is being honest except not too honest. It's how I remember being classy in japan as a young woman. My father and mother may be alive today, but I hope I do meet these people and tell them I miss them for her not for me. I feel like she haunted my childhood, because she wants me to find her parents she was murdered or I was and I am doing it for both of us. Also I felt like I have held so much guilt from my past that people don't see so if I die soon. I want to make things right for all of them.

Do you know how confusing is having a penis again after having the lady parts twice? It's like I expect to do things like females do and forget "O yeah I'm a guy!"

I confuse the every day person, people use everyone is weird to look mainstream the weird persona is the new term for normal, but I'm weird in the sense as in not normal to their weird of what is mainstream. So when I talk, I get weird looks or confusion, and I completely understand. I am very quiet about this and may appear normal, but I'm losing my mind deep down.

Telling someone I love you is so hard, not only from past trust issues with relationships, and personal beliefs. I realized I'm not so emotional in my current life, but it's overwhelming at best. If I really really like someone, I tell them, but when they want to know how I feel genuinely, but aren't interested in me. I won't tell them and I have a very hard time describing my feelings when I do.

My brain is so good at what it does, when I want to do simple tasks it takes longer for me. It's like a river of random words thoughts and ideas, and I have to grab one at a time to figure out what I was wanting to say. It makes it awkward for me and her, but even though I purposely play it off cool. I know feelings is difficult to describe to anyone when you don't know your feelings or who the hell you are anymore. I lost who I was since I was a boy and I've got a better grip, but still much worse than my previous lives.