Overwhelmed

I think its just time for the NEXT meaningful thing. Some of us get bored easily. We do as much as we can in whatever time is left between the grandchildren and our doctor appointments.

Everything has changed in some way. Even my husband said I am acting differently, but he can't quite identify what it is. I think a lot of the fight has gone out of me. Sometimes, overall, that's a relief, but still feels strange.

Forgive me if this seems like prying, but most people get some satisfaction/motivation from work, relationships, children to name three important ones. Have you really lived so long without a similar source of energy?

I have gotten some satisfaction from my relationship with my husband, and from succeeding in my work at times. But it's not enough to make life worth living, at all. It's more like something I can rationalize about in order to keep myself going. Relationships, or more precisely inability to form them, has been a huge drag on the system, for me. Children, never wanted them, horrified that we keep reproducing and over-using the planet and thinking we should colonize Mars to save our species, because we're on course to continue wrecking the planet.

Everything I most deeply value is being continually mowed down in the name of progress, and any hard-won conservation reserve in the long term is continually at risk of being carved up in the name of progress. It's happening in my town this week and around the world constantly.

Does that make sense?

I am afraid so.

Was looking at a Pema Chodron book today. THe chapter called "Hopelessness and Death" caught my eye:

Hopelessness and Death
If we're willing to give up hope that insecurity
and pain can be exterminated, then we can have
the courage to relax with the groundlessness of
our situation. This is the first step on the path.
Turning your mind toward the dharma does not bring security or confirmation. Turning your mind toward the dharma
does not bring any ground to stand on. In fact, when your
mind turns toward the dharma, you fearlessly acknowledge
impermanence and change and begin to get the knack of
hopelessness.
In Tibetan there's an interesting word: ye tang che. The ye
part means "totally, completely," and the rest of it means
"exhausted." Altogether, ye tang che means totally tired out.
We might say "totally fed up." It describes an experience of
complete hopelessness, of completely giving up hope. This is
an important point. This is the beginning of the beginning.
Without giving up hope-that there's somewhere better to
be, that there's someone better to be-we will never relax
with where we are or who we are.

Maybe this relates to what I've been feeling. Well, it does relate. But what is the way forward? I suppose that's discussed elsewhere in the book.

I can relate to everything you just said... :/