[CrazyGirl6371]

Okay... So, this may be kind of strange and inappropriate, but I vent my anger in my diary often by imagining certain scenarios/planning murder for those who have hurt me... Only those I am close to. I often think that - if the person actually did die - they could use my diary against me. Lol. Motive and pre-planning. Of course, I'm not going to do any of this or really want it to happen. Does anyone else do this, as well? It helps some, for me. Probably pretty unhealthy, though. :/ But, then again, who of us is healthy? Lol.

[Silent Void]

I wouldn't do it. I don't do it. I don't want to be arrested for thought-crime.

You might want to rethink how you journal. Switch to metaphors. It's not as satisfying, but it's safer for you.

I have thoughts, but as long as they remain in my head they can't be used against me.

[Alone & confused]

I agree. Too incriminating. I usually vent my worst anger by doing something physically exerting. Like beating the hell out of a tree with a baseball bat. Or doing some yard work. Anything to burn off the stress energy that being angry causes me to have.

[IrisBloom]

While I understand your thoughts, I agree with those above that it could be incriminating. Maybe you could write them on just paper and then destroy them? I don't actively want to kill anyone, but there have been times I've fantacised about it. I even had a dream I killed a family member for their deeds. But actually even if you or I did it, it really wouldn't help anything.

[The_little_didgee]

I used to do this when I was a teenager but mostly in the privacy of my mind. A few times I drew myself torturing the bully who made my school experience a living hell. I would immediately rip up my pieces of 'art' so no one would discover my disturbing thoughts. Doing this helped me work through the anger and hurt. I usually felt better afterwards.

[Alter]

I also imagined doing some really bad things to people that have caused me pain and made me into what i am today i even imagined ways of doing it to try to avoid getting caught, i even thought about doing it for real, but even though i feel that i could do it if a wanted without feeling a thing i know that murder or torture (i did both in my head) are not right so i won't do it. It would also be bad if things turned bad and i ended up arrested xD

Anyway you should dispose of that diary, its not good to have something like that with you, you can get into trouble because of it.

[CrazyGirl6371]

You all have a good point. I'd probably get arrested for "thought-crime" (I like that terminology.). I should truly find a different way to vent my anger. Randomly beating up inanimate objects is usually okay, but I can't always do that (i.e., when I'm with other people). And it can get really difficult to control it and wait to let it out. When it comes to anger, I need instant gratification. :/

[Diamond-eyes]

Yeah, we all have.

[vital]

Originally Posted by CrazyGirl6371

Okay... So, this may be kind of strange and inappropriate, but I vent my anger in my diary often by imagining certain scenarios/planning murder for those who have hurt me... Only those I am close to. I often think that - if the person actually did die - they could use my diary against me. Lol. Motive and pre-planning. Of course, I'm not going to do any of this or really want it to happen. Does anyone else do this, as well? It helps some, for me. Probably pretty unhealthy, though. :/ But, then again, who of us is healthy? Lol.

The problem is that feeling angry is usually quite unpleasant. Recently I've figured out the most wonderful thing: I can stop feeling anger if I decide not to have that feeling just now.

[CrazyGirl6371]

I've tried. Usually, I try to file it back with other unwanted emotions, but I end up getting overwhelmed and cutting...

[Nina Simone]

I use to keep a list of people I wanted to kill. I realized that was not a good thing. Plus its not the answer to my problems.

[Lemon Curd]

Sounds like you have some deep deep hurt.
That kind of rage means you may have some massive pain you're covering up with your murder diary.
Are you talking to anyone professional?
I think I would.
That's just me.
*big warm friendship hug*

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Ummm, call me a sissy but I rather think murdering people, even in imagination in the privacy of your own home, who upset me is a bit old-fashioned. When we were allowed to wear swords in public it was of course the done thing to slay those who wrong you on the spot (I am told there are certain states in the US where this is still allowed so if you live in one of those just ignore me). I would rather think over why am I so upset over what in the great order of things are generally trivial.

Some, many, people treat you unfairly, are nasty and inconsiderate and getting into a rage hurts you more than them. You cannot stop this, it happens to everyone, and unless there is a constructive response open to you, it just has to be shrugged off as 'life'.

As for your diary, just put a disclaimer at the front: "All thoughts, actions, names, places and people are fictional and any similarity to actual thoughts, actions, names, places and people are coincidental". Any halfway decent lawyer should get you off on that.

[CrazyGirl6371]

I love the idea of a disclaimer, ManOfConstantSorrow. I know it's immature, and I'm actually a very mature person... I don't swear or drink or smoke or anything... I keep myself together in public, even when it's hard and require dissociation. But yes, deep down, I am very hurt. And I am seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. We're working out my medication, now, and I have a feeling we'll be changing my medication, yet again... I think I will actually put a disclaimer on my diary. I never thought of that... And I know it won't help. In fact, this person being hurt would completely destroy me, because I love him... Yeah; I love him, I think... And I kind of hate that. :/ But whatever. I really, really, really like this guy and would never purposely hurt him. But still. Sometimes, it's just so frustrating.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by CrazyGirl6371

I love the idea of a disclaimer, ManOfConstantSorrow. I know it's immature, and I'm actually a very mature person... I don't swear or drink o...atever. I really, really, really like this guy and would never purposely hurt him. But still. Sometimes, it's just so frustrating.

I very much liked your reply, and I am very sorry for your hurt. Some hurts are too bad to deal with by being reasonable of course and I hope you find some other coping mechanism.

[CrazyGirl6371]

I'm glad you liked my post. Now, I'm terrified that I love him... Thank you. As do I. I feel ashamed, right now, because I was in one of my hateful moods while he was talking to a girl on the phone - after not texting me for quite a while (when I reallyyy needed him) - while I was there, and I kept thinking "I'm right here! Why won't you just talk to me?!". But I wrote hateful things in my diary. And he ended up getting hurt that night, actually why I was writing. And I feel terrible. I know it wasn't my fault, but it doesn't make me feel like any better of a person. I don't want to be this person, anymore. I'm so tired of being angry. I know it was nothing personal; he just flirts with her. I'm the one that he cuddles and kisses sometimes and talks to most of the time... I know I'm the one he's more serious about, but it just bothers me so much. I didn't really want anything to happen to him. Am I a bad person for doing this? Really; it's okay to be blunt. I can't believe that I get so malicious. I hate that side of me.