[Psychfan123]

I am writing to get some advice on how to handle this emotionally painful experience I have been going through. My ex boyfriend of two and a half years left me for someone else after we got into an argument. What is even worse is that we are both teachers in the school and see each other regularly. I am 28 and he is 33...
We had an overall strong relationship (so I thought), we both had been through a lot together, and I loved him very much, and was made to believe that he did too. I noticed that he started drifting away the week before we broke up, and he basically told me we were done after an argument we both had. I later find out that he slept with this new woman the week that he became distant. I had to find out by asking around, and going through his email. He gave me no real explanation and told me that he cared about me but at the end he "wasnt feeling it and we were too different". After years of my life that is the only explanation I received and he has told me to stop contacting him. Its been almost 3 months and I cannot seem to get over the betrayal. A lot of the pain comes from the fact that he told me that if he "learned anything from our relationship, its to not speak to other woman no matter what the circumstances are"-indicating that he is in an exclusive relationship with this other person that he values more than me. In addition, he blamed me going through his email as the final straw that pushed him to her. In actuality, he cheated on me the day before and I checked his email because I had a gut feeling something wasnt right. I'm angry at his denial and refusal to take accountability. I can only imagine what he tells coworkers why we broke up.
This makes me feel so used and discarded. He literally replaced me with this new woman and seems to be valuing and respecting her more because they "clicked"(both sports fans?!). I feel so used, like nothing over the years mattered until someone more suitable for him came along.
What hurts the most is that him and I dated for about a year before we became exclusive (which lasted about a year and half) and now he is automatically with this woman that he has replaced me with-and seems to treat her better than he treated me. I do not know how to stop comparing, and how to stop being so angry. I see him at work and know that I still love him, but have mixed feelings of anger as well. Each time I go into work its like reopening the wound. Is it possible that he has truly found his match and I just have to deal? or did he just never love me to begin with? Is he just idealizing the beginning of the relationship and destined to do the same to her? It hurts to think of him finding his better match while im stuck picking up the pieces of a relationship I thought was strong. I just can't seem to move past him and has new woman-when the breakup itself is still fresh to me. I need advice on how to stop idealizing their relationship.
I know that I need to focus on me, but I'm having a very difficult time letting go and not obsessing. I have been seeing a therapist but I need more perspectives on how to stop hurting over someone who left me for someone else that he is treating better than me--especially when no contact isnt much of an option. Any advice? Perhaps something to think of when I see him at work? Thank you!

[RichardBrooks]

Wow. So much of what you wrote I could have written. My ex and I lived together until the end of November. I knew something was off, but she just made excuses about hard days at work and bad health (she has a heart condition), but I thought we were both very much in love (we were already planning the wedding) until she let it be known I wasn't welcome at her parents' for Thanksgiving. She ended up staying that night with her ex husband. She kicked me out of the house I had built for her the next day, and he was living there less than a week later. We still see each other because of the kids--hers, from her first marriage, but I've loved them as my own since day 1.

Like you, I still love her. Yeah, I'm angry, hurt, confused, aching, raw, insulted, and so very lonely (she even kept my dog, as I was living out of my truck at first), but I can't just forget the years we had together ever happened. All I can say is keep reminding yourself that someone who would do such a thing isn't someone you want in your life. Someone who would disrespect you that much isn't worthy of you, doesn't deserve you, and is doing you a favor by getting out of your life.

Furthermore, the guy cheated on you then tried to blame it on you by saying you didn't trust him because you suspected him of cheating on you. Come on. That's low. Forget him.forget her. If it looks like he's treating her better than he did you, then he was obviously not treating you as well as you deserve. Keep your chin up and find someone who will.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Psychfan123

A lot of the pain comes from the fact that he told me that if he "learned anything from our relationship, its to not speak to other woman no matter what the circumstances are"-indicating that he is in an exclusive relationship with this other person that he values more than me.

Just indicates to me that he is a weak, immature male that is worried and does not know himself or feel he has control of his sexual desires (that talking to another woman would make him behave badly whether he "wanted" to or not).

I am sorry you are in pain and have to still see/work around this guy. I am glad you had this experience now rather than later when you were married or really depending on him to be a good guy.

Psychfan123,
What he did to you really stinks. He is soooo immature in his behavior and probably will never grow up. Ha! He said he "wasn't feeling it and you were too different". That is the lamest excuse ever. I just think he is like a little boy and found some new candy to try out. The fact that he refuses to take accountability for his actions also indicates a lack of maturity.

I'm so sorry for you, believe me. I am going through something similar myself. His link with her over sports is superficial. He was just looking for an excuse to support the real reason why he dumped you, which is most likely, because he wanted to change the flavor of his candy. I wouldn't say that she is more suitable for him than you. Actually, I think you hit the nail on the head when you asked "Is he just idealizing the beginning of the relationship and destined to do the same to her?" The answer is a resounding YES!! I have no doubt he will repeat his same behavior with her. Having sports in common is by no means a glue that will hold them together. Whatever drew him to her initially will fade over time. His infatuation with her is temporary. Guaranteed. It's so sad for you (and me) to have to watch it unfold.

As for something to think of when you see him at work, I would think about the fact that he is repeating with her, exactly what he did to you. He will wind up hurting her the same as he did you. I feel bad for the nice young lady that my ex is currently with because he will be hurting her just as badly as I am hurting now. I also feel a little sorry for my ex because he gave up a good thing with me. I think yours did too. He may walk around like he's on top of the world now, but it will not be for long. The poor girl he's with will eventually find him cheating on her down the road. That's the kind of man you had. He's lost and doesn't know a good thing when it's staring him in the face. He may be sorry one day but he may not. He may never wake up to his own obsession with needing different women to love him. I'm just sorry you and I have to suffer at the hands of this low life. I am angry too and don't have any suggestions on how to deal with it or on changing how you feel about him. He didn't deserve your love, that's true. People tell me that too but it doesn't help the pain. My heart is broken just like yours.

[PeachCream22]

It hurts. Maybe everyone will say you deserve better, and maybe you'll feel otherwise, because of the great emotional attachments to him. It's okay to feel that way, and it's okay to have feelings. Let it hurt, in my opinion that would be the first thing to do.

Then screw him! And focus on your life. At first it will be difficult, because he's all around you. TRUST ME, I GET THAT. But eventually it WILL get easier, and you will get tired of it. This will NOT last forever. Change jobs if you'd like (but I guess it will be difficult since you need to put your students' needs ahead of you), your emotional health and happiness matters. And you probably won't be able to do your job well if you're affected, right? But stay strong. If you need to stay in the same school, stay strong, and it's not like you'll see him 24/7. On the moments you do not see him, make use and treasure that alone time to heal.

Seeing a therapist sounds like a good idea. You need time for healing. You've got a lot on your plate. Get angry, get upset, rant all you want. You're all that matters now, not him. He's the one who made a serious mistake.

[healingme4me]

Embrace the anger, use it to point out each and every flaw he ever had, in order to stop feeling that love feeling. Wow, sports in common? Do you realize how many women love sports? Puhleeze, man, puhleeze! So he just meets her, and poof, she's oh so ms. right? Puhleeze. Or, was this whole time he led you on?
Now working together, now there's a point of focus. Conflict Avoidant,, Co dep, fantastical/delusional, if wasn't happy, leave first, right? You don't deserve planning a life around his dysfunction. Even, if they work, don't tear yourself up over his not being your Mr. Psychfan123.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Psychfan123]

Thank you all for responding to my post. Your insights have been helping me in the process. There are good days, and bad days. Usually when I see him it triggers feelings and memories that I have. It really hurts to forget about someone you see daily who once "loved me" completely discarded me like I meant nothing. Ive been no contact for over a month, and the last thing he told me was that he was thankful I helped him grow as a person, so that he could be better in his current relationship. I have days were I feel so used, and have to try very hard to stop loving him and thinking of him loving someone else. I know I deserve better but it doesnt make the feelings go away
On my bad days I reread your posts they help me. Thanks again.

[Somethingunfunny84]

I have a very similar story, my boyfriend who I lived with broke up with me last week and I'm devastated. I found out that not only did he start seeing and sleeping with a girl in the week before we broke up he is now seeing her and saying all the things to her that he once said to me. This girl was not unknown to me but whenever I questioned their friendship he made out that I was jealous and possessive and unfair. I loved him with all my heart. He has cut me off completely and doesn't want contact. He left and moved on and left me to drowned in despair without showing any compassion or care. Like you I cannot express the range of emotions I am going through, I just know it hurts.

I did write something this morning as I just need a release.

It's meant to be hopeful and it's where I want to get to emotionally but not sure I'm there yet;

If you can accept the bad things that have happened you can begin to walk away,
If you can reclaim those parts of you surrendered to others you can begin to be whole,
If you can forgive the lies and betrayal without betraying yourself and becoming bitter,
If you can bare the gripping twisting of your heart and know that although it's in pieces it continues to beat,
If you can mourn the person they were and not blame them for the stranger they have become,
And when treated with contempt not give in to holding them so

If you can look at the clouds and still see the wonder,
If you can resign yourself to a new unknown and not turn away from the fear that it brings,
If you can smile at the memories and not let them blanket the future,
And think about those who made you cry but appreciate the smiles they once brought,
You are bird learning to fly into the wind

[Big_Bear]

I honestly believe what your ex is searching for is for something to fill the void, the loneliness and the sadness inside of him. I bet he loved you and he may still love you, but his problem is his own. His problem was nothing you did or said. His problem is that he is insecure of himself and he cant accept who he is, and has no idea what he wants. He is missing something in himself and he uses relationships to fill that hole inside of him. Neither you nor any other woman will be able to fill this hole, only he can do that and he may need therapeutic help to do so.

You should not blame yourself for what he did to you. If you feel you put all you could into the relationship and got nothing back then there is nothing you can do. You did what you could do, you tried, you dealt with the uncertainty and the fishiness and got hurt in the end. There are better men out in the world and you deserve to have the strength to lift your chin up and carry on with the strength you have. You will find the man who treats you right and gives back the same effort you put in. In the mean time just work on yourself, your life, your health and your emotions. Always work on bettering yourself.

[PennyD]

I am so sorry you had to deal with that- and are still dealing with it. Life can be so unfair especially when it comes to loved ones and people we trusted. Just believe things will get better- they say time heals and it sounds so cliche but as time goes on, we really do find healing, and we overcome so much just by carrying on day by day. Just do your best not to focus too much on it. Everything will be okay.

[Fuzzybear]

[Lostdeepinspace]

I am no expert at all this but I would just say... be happy for the time you had with him. Maybe it will be better in the long run that the 2 of you are not together. If he slept with some other woman, then maybe its better knowing that you arent together. Love yourself and move on. If he doesnt love you... no sense wasting your heart on someone thats not there to love in the first place. We love you here! Big hugs!