[katluvzpurple]

Not sure if this is the best location to post this, but oh well.

I am currently struggling with suicidal thoughts. I'm so tired of being upset. I cry uncontrollably daily. Every single day has at least one meltdown. Whether I'm just frustrated with side effects from drugs, or my parents tell me "it's not long term, just a nervous breakdown because you're too overbooked", or my husband is too busy for date night... either way, my reactions feel incredibly exaggerated. I used to be sweet and understanding, but now I'm starting to feel distant from everyone except one friend (who's had to talk me out of suicide three times). I feel done. I'm tired of dealing with life.. since all life feels like recently is one upset upon another. I'm not looking for any specific advice.. just hoping getting these words out there will help. I'm trying not to worry my husband, but I'm finding my reasons for living less and less important. I must want to live, but I'm worried that I'll do something rash (like driving into on-coming traffic, like I wanted to do today) before I can calm down.

[sideblinded]

((((katluvzpurple))))

Hey there ....don't act on your emotions right now. I hear how spent and fed up you are. Remember that we have the holidays looming over us and it is the season to be jolly. Well for many it is the season to exaggerate about our circumstances and get down and feeling bad about ourselves but irrational thinking is not something you nor I want to act on. (Is it the same kind of time in Canada?)

I have been learning that our minds obsess about things and make our lives seem worthless. Don't listen to these negative thoughts. Please try to breathe and take in just a moment and not try to digest today or tomorrow or next week or next year. We only have a moment to work with. I have no family so not having anyone to worry about is also daunting on the flip side.

You are not alone as many are feeling the same things but please look at what you do have and whose lives you would affect if you weren't here. For me it would be a few friends but that is enough. Be gentle on yourself. You have worth that only YOU can't see.

[shezbut]

I am sorry that life is becoming so dark and stressful for you right now. It is great that you have a friend who has been there for you! Have you been going to a T at all? Just wondering if you have a connection with them at all, or if you've been sharing your struggles with your friend?

If you don't have a T, get one & share how you're honestly feeling with them. If you do have a T, but don't feel the respect and trust, then perhaps now is the time to look for a better connection. In my humble opinion, you ought to be able to share anything with your T & still feel safe in life.

Sideblinded has some real wise and helpful comments, so I won't bother repeating them... but, I do want to encourage you to really reach out for help when you need it. I go into times where SI (suicidal ideation & impulses) become amplified. The more attention that I give to these ideas, the worse that I feel. Distracting myself works great though & puts me into more clear-thinking state of mind.

There are literally hundreds of pleasant activities that we can do, to get us through the darkness. Taking a bubble bath; Collecting things (shells, rocks, leaves, coins...); Going to a movie; Jogging or walking; Listening to music (especially opposite emotion!; Going to the beach or mountains; Arranging flowers; Flying a kite; Repairing things; Practicing yoga, karate, or judo; and so on!

(((hugs))) to you!

[katluvzpurple]

Thank you both for your suggestions and thoughts. I decided to go really easy on myself today.. only one major activity and then back to the comfort of home. Although I suppose I'm "hiding" from my anxiety, I am also using distraction and giving myself a break. So far, zero meltdowns and I'm feeling calm. I'll re-read your advice whenever the suicidal thoughts hit me. You're both very kind, and please know how appreciated this is.. *hugs*