I'm not handling this.

I'm overwhelmed and terrified. I try so hard for someone to see and validate, it's like people get hopeless that I can't move on things in their mind, but it's not that at all. I can't do the things you do, because I don't have reality set based thoughts. I'm constantly confused and this is me focusing very hard on what I'm trying to project. It's just me being so used to being ignored and not ever feeling validated.

I have my darkest fears come and haunt me.

I truly am terrified of hospitals and especially mental hospitals more than prisons. I fear prison, but I fear mental hospitals, I'm afraid I'm going to be old and left there to rot and die there alone, with just the people who feed me and give me medicine and force me to live life by someone else's rules after losing everything my life, and the fact people judge me as crazy, because of my stuff that's with my psychosis, and schizophrenia type stuff. I fear being around people if they see me they'll haul me away.

I'm so scared of anything, because I don't know what it is and is it going to hurt me. I feel like when I type on hear I feel a human listening to me and validating me and giving me what I need, even though it's not going to happen ever. It's like All I want to do is run away from this horrible place.

People see me as safe, but if you put me there. I just go crazy, because I'm terrified I'm beyond scared. I hate feeling put in a place where I feel like I'm stuck and isolated for a long time. I've lost a lot of connection or able to connect with others. I cry a lot, because I am going through phases of my fear and what's going on at the moment that's scaring me so badly. I'll just kill myself to get me away from the monsters I see, and the people who force me there. It feels like the grudge movie in the second one, where I'm in the mental ward scene. Where the staff think I'm crazy and the things that want to kill me have finally found me in my most vulnerable state and kill me without them noticing.

I had many nightmares about this, and night terrors, because I was in that situation of being brutally tortured as a child and constantly never being told I'll have someone help me. It's true they really didn't come and help me rather made it worse as I got older from then to now. It never got better it got worse and my sanity just got obliterated from my recent brain damage. I make these posts out of desperation of my pain.

I see things how I want to see them, in hallucinations and delusions present together. It's like a detachment and a feeling that I'm constantly unloved, because I can't be loved if I don't talk to the person, be their friend, and then close friend, best friend. It's like that with my parents and everyone. It's like when it came to dating, I felt like they had a gun pointed to the back of my head and had me hostage. It's this feeling of being a hostage that's so scary and so familiar. I can't get out of it.

People don't understand it and get fearful and shove me in a corner far away where no one can see me and then I get so overwhelmed by it. I act out and get so angry, sad, and outrageously doing anything to draw attention.

I'm constantly in emotional pain, it needs to settle down for once. I just wanted to date this girl, because she seemed like someone positive in my life, but in reality no one wants a fixer upper. So I have to hide it, and I have to not say anything to anyone in public or else they will shun me like before and shove me away. My own mother does this the most my dad is always confused, my sister treats me like garbage. My friends do the same as all of them in their own way. So I am forced to hide and go far away and shut them out. I don't like talking to people, because it's so scary.

It's gotten to the point, I don't think their real and rather they are just a simulation to trick me to spill my beans in person so they can haul me away to what I fear the most.

I don't want to end up like my grandma abused in a nursing home/mental ward for things I couldn't control or be understood. I know I would kill myself immediately if that happened without hesitation because I don't want to die suffering like that ever. I don't want to see my mom go, the only person no matter how hard she can't understand as much as I would like her too, she's the only person I talk to the most as a friend. When she's dead. I'm alone truly.

In the end, I'm screwed, and all I want to do is die. It's like I can't get away from here and going back to those places will and has made it worse for me.

I'm crying so hard and trying to not be loud and hyperventilating. I just want this nightmare to end, I'm constantly living in. I'm in a existential nightmare, I'm afraid when I die, I'm going to be back here or in the place I fear the most, but it's what I get for being me. I'm like a punished soul for whatever sins I've made in my past lives or now.

I can't trust anyone. I want to so bad, but I'm on the such an extreme even many people with their struggles with mental illness shun me. I'm shunned by everyone for not being like them. It's so bad for me, I starve myself not for attention just for control on something. I've lost about 90 lbs from 235 at my highest weight ever to what it is now. I'm aiming to go lower and be underweight again.

I tend to show my horrors so bluntly, I purposely put myself to very dangerous life threatening situations that aren't suicide provoked or even intentional for that reason. Just to make it known how bad I want someone to love me and notice me.

I had almost died in many occasions from it.

I can't tell you how low of a place it is. I starve myself to make sure my parents have food so I'm not a burden or in their way. I try to be very kind to people just for that attention I needed, I do so much to treat people how I wish I was treated and never getting anything like that nearly in return just indifference and rude mean people.

I'm not pitiful, I'm screwed. I'm fighting this all the time to prove I'm not, but sometimes I give up, because I just want to destroy everything I have at times, because it's not getting what I need ever. It feels like I'm dying, like the loneliness is so bad since I was 4 starting to feel like this and turning 21 now. It's like my body really does feel like it's shutting down. I do have a lot less energy than most. I sleep a lot work out a lot, and feel sick when I eat anything.

I'm truly in hell. People take so much for granted. They can't understand and won't why I am the way I am.

Even the people who do love and accept me, it's so hard for me to give it back to them they don't notice the things like this ever. It's so scary telling it to them, because they take it so mean and be so harsh to me about it blaming me for being that way instead of helping me.

It's put me at a standstill and not trusting people ever. I do everything myself, and I should have a right to die by my own self one day when I decide to do it my way. It's like I'm preparing to die any minute now. That's what living life right now is like for me. I am unusually happy a lot and feeling very content that things the little things are great and I'm just waiting to die when it comes. I'm so welcoming and so terrified of it equally.

Any relationship is so difficult and I get scared when my body shuts down randomly like I have a neuro condition it's like paralysis, but it isn't it's like all of a sudden I can't use my limbs anymore or breathe or talk or move at all. I was given Stiff person syndrome GAIT and really almost had to be put into a wheel chair last year because of it a year ago. I couldn't even move from anywhere.

I hate when people get condescending on me ever, and act like I should grow up and know. When they are so ignorant and don't ever consider anything. I can't expect them to know, but it's so hard trying to relate and feel like they would with everyone else, but they can't with you only you are the lucky one who gets left out because you are so different in not a good way.

I live in hell people, I am in hell. I embrace hell, because I don't know what living is like without hell being present 24/7. The last I need is being tortured again physically and sexually for many months like I was before.

I carry a lot of fear, too. Mine of living beyond my ability to take care of myself, whether psychically or financially. When I let my mind wonder into the "what if" thoughts, I become miserable and sometimes spend too much money trying to cover up the feelings of fear.

Fear has been with me since I was born probably. I do everything out of fear. I know it's not a good way to live, but I haven't found a good way out yet. I hope that we have the chance to get past the fear but I'm not sure of the way.

A friend and I were talking yesterday and she told me about a sermon at church about fear. She said that the Bible has "do not fear" in it 365 times. Do you have faith? I do but fear still reigns. I haven't looked it up yet to see if it really does say that 365 times, but it probably is. The only way I get out of my fear is to do breathing mediation and it keeps me centered for a while or getting caught up in a craft I love doing.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but I hope we find a way to get out of the worrying habit. I think it puts too much stress on our bodies and makes us crazy.

Good luck.

At the moment, I've basically outlived my ability to take care of myself. My back is so bad I'm worried it will be a state nursing home for me soon where I'll be abused.