[Artchic528]

I often search Match.com and find myself getting way too attatched to one guy or another and then utterly dissapointed when they don't respond in kind. How can I not be so easily attatched to people online?

[Crazy Hitch]

Interacting with people online is challenging, Artchic

I have friends here on pscychcentral and we all interact in a positive way with one another. I rely on them for emotional support and try and reciprocate when I can. We all have different reasons for joining psychcentral, but generally they are noble and honest reasons and as you would have found out by now, psychcentral members are very supportive of one another. There's no hidden agenda, we discuss who we are and our issues openly in a supportive community.

I think that the point I'm trying to make is that people on the internet - especially so on sites that you are looking at - will portray a certain persona that may not be them at all - they're on there "looking" - and I've heard plenty horror stories on these meeting sites about who is really lurking behind the scenes.

You need to approach those types of sites with a degree of caution. Not everyone who is on that site is there with good intent.

And if I could clarify - I'm not knocking that particular site - don't know it at all and have not had any type of affiliation with it ever. Just that those sites in general may not have the types of members that you'd like to be interacting with in the real world.

[Artchic528]

Well, online interaction is all that I have available, so what else do you suggest I do?

[Steiner of Thule]

I tend to find that it takes some time to get used to people on the internet. Approaching them not with ideas of anything substantial. People on the internet WILL let you down. It's not about if but when. So learning and realizing this is important. I for one never let myself be close to online people because I know that one day they can easily disappear on you or they act the same way with everyone. You can mistake kindness with romantic interest easily. When it comes to the internet, no one is special or something worth attaching to because it's all very fake.

Now that I think about it everything in life is fake so it's not very different from the real world.

[Thunder Bow]

The internet is like talking to someone on the phone. Just interact with caution. Trust your gut level feelings.

I think that your attachment comes from your uncontrollable desire to meet someone. I think that the moment you sit back and relax, and make your life mission about yourself, rather than a relationship, you may find that attachment and obsession is few and far between. Best of luck.

[jimdd810]

emotions are easier to express when not in person. Specially if your lonely and are looking for something that may not be there. Words get twisted and you lose the human face to face clues and body language that is vitally important to conversation. I suggest you ask direct questions more and be literal in your responses.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by ChaoticInsanity

I think that your attachment comes from your uncontrollable desire to meet someone. I think that the moment you sit back and relax, and make your life mission about yourself, rather than a relationship, you may find that attachment and obsession is few and far between. Best of luck.

Easier said than done. You just can't change the most utterly deepest desire to be married. To be wanted and loved by someone other than your family. Not just like that anyway. I need steps. Instructions. That sort of thing.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Easier said than done. You just can't change the most utterly deepest desire to be married. To be wanted and loved by someone other than your family. Not just like that anyway. I need steps. Instructions. That sort of thing.

What does your therapist suggest? One of the things mine suggests is yo keep busy don't have too much idle time do I followed that and am very busy now, then she says continue doing what you enjoy like whatever gives you pleasure like hobbies . Then she also says to focus on heAlthier life style like exercise eat well try to sleep better focus on feeling well physically. Now you don't want to give up on men but making other things taking most of your time so you don't have time to dwell. So I have been using her suggestions and it helps.

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[Tsukiko]

Exactly what Chaoticinsanity wrote. Starting loving and finding yourself and everything else will fall into place.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by divine1966

What does your therapist suggest? One of the things mine suggests is yo keep busy don't have too much idle time do I followed that and am very busy now, then she says continue doing what you enjoy like whatever gives you pleasure like hobbies . Then she also says to focus on heAlthier life style like exercise eat well try to sleep better focus on feeling well physically. Now you don't want to give up on men but making other things taking most of your time so you don't have time to dwell. So I have been using her suggestions and it helps.

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My lifestive is plenty healthy. I am finally losing weight after years of packing it on. I may even need to by belts as my pants are falling down.

As for doing things for me, it's kind of hard to do that because I am mostly confined to the house from the time I wake up to the time mom gets home from work and she is usually beyond tired to take me many places. I already go to meet up every once in a while, which is the most I can get out of the house for me.

I just don't see how doing things around the house is constructive towards getting a husband. Sorry. I do plan on getting a job from Walmart, but need to go there in person to do so as their online application doesn't work for me for some weird reason. Then maybe I can afford to start that vet tech course and finally think about renting a place of my own. But that's quite a bit in the future. There is no rush to get out on my own right now.

[divine1966]

I thought the issue was obsessing over random men online and how stop attaching to strangers not finding a husband. One thing has nothing to do with another. You said men don't even reply to you online so We already gave you many suggestions how to improve that. Is this thread about attaching to guys online or finding a husband? If you don't want or be on your own or work or go to school ( you can take a loan to are d online college) I do not see how you are considering relationship with anyone.

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[Artchic528]

I should explain more clearly what I want as sometimes it's not so apparent...

I would like to be able to not get so easily discouraged and attached along the way in my search for a husband. Sorry for the confusion.

[divine1966]

I think and so my t says the solution is to have your own life be busy and then you won't have time or energy to be attached to stranger and in a meanwhile opportunities for meet guys will increase online or in real life. I really don't understand why you don't work or are in school (even online) you can take loans, I never paid for school up front . even elderly or people on disability work why don't you I don't. Understand. By getting yourself busy you will accomplish not only not obsessing but perhaps meeting people. It is 21st century and men have no interest in someone who is home all day not working or not getting training/education. There are options
Please consider those options

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[Artchic528]

Why are you so fixated on this whole "getting a job/education" thing as the only way I'll get a husband? I have a job, thankyouverymuch, and will be taking on a second job at Walmart, THEN I'll be using the money from that to get a vet tech certification. It's all planned out. Stop saying I have no life and therefor no chance of getting a man, okay?

And loans are out of the question. Don't ask why. It's complicated.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Why are you so fixated on this whole "getting a job/education" thing as the only way I'll get a husband? I have a job, thankyouverymuch, and will be taking on a second job at Walmart, THEN I'll be using the money from that to get a vet tech certification. It's all planned out. Stop saying I have no life and therefor no chance of getting a man, okay?

And loans are out of the question. Don't ask why. It's complicated.

You yourself said you never go anywhere and are home alone can't meet a man don't have any friends and are very unhappy and lonely. Whatever you are doing isn't working so when you complain how bad things are then why not listen to suggestions? If that's not the case and things are great in your life then why post otherwise? Hhhmmmm

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[Artchic528]

I am listening, the suggestions just aren't feasible at all for me. I'm sorry, but they aren't good ideas for me. I've even already tried some and they don't work. Period. You seem to be seriously miffed by that fact. Well, sorry. I really am.

What do you want me to say then?

[Tsukiko]

I think the point is that maybe you should work on yourself before worrying about taking a big step such as entering a relationship. Any man worth his salt wants a woman who is strong, independent, and her life is in order.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Tsukiko-chan

I think the point is that maybe you should to work on yourself before worrying about taking a big step such as entering a relationship. Any man worth his salt wants a woman who is strong, independent, and her life is in order.

Actually, that's not intirely true. If love is in fact real, then it dictates that it's blind and doesn't care about finacial status or any of that BS. I'm going with that. Plus my highly trained, and liscensed therapist doesn't seem to think having a job is a requirement for love. So yeah. Take that as you will.

[divine1966]

It is not about finances, most men don't care about that. But typically when a person is very miserable they either meet no one or meet someone as miserable. When you are happy and content then you attract happy people. I have a daughter just slightly younger than you and it pains me to read how you live and see pain you go through because you just don't want to be open for help and suggestions, I would be heart broken if my daughter suffered like this. People here care

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[Tsukiko]

Sure, love may be blind (albeit I find that notion rather idealistic) but marriage is not. When two people get married, they become financially responsible, among other things, for one another. If they don't have the means to support each other wholly, the relationship will be rocky at best.

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Actually, that's not intirely true. If love is in fact real, then it dictates that it's blind and doesn't care about finacial status or any of that BS. I'm going with that.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It is not about finances, most men don't care about that. But typically when a person is very miserable they either meet no one or meet someone as miserable. When you are happy and content then you attract happy people. I have a daughter just slightly younger than you and it pains me to read how you live and see pain you go through because you just don't want to be open for help and suggestions, I would be heart broken if my daughter suffered like this. People here care

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If it's not about finances, they why suggest getting a job in the first place? Now I'm confused.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Tsukiko-chan

Sure, love may be blind (albeit I find that notion rather idealistic) but marriage is not. When two people get married, they become financially responsible, among other things, for one another. If they don't have the means to support each other wholly, the relationship will be rocky at best.

I agree. Now sure of course partners support each other when there is illness , job loss , child care , disability etc but no one wants to take on a responsibility for able bodied adult who just doesn't make changes.

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[Artchic528]

Then give me changes I can do, instead of ones I can't.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

If it's not about finances, they why suggest getting a job in the first place? Now I'm confused.

First of all it would get you out of the house and perhaps meeting people( new friends and networking) and keep busy and it would give you a chance to be on your own not living with parents.

And having a job you love might increase your feelings of happiness and content. I love my job, it means apt to me I know how important that could be. Just make an effort

Also sure love could be blind but you are not meeting anyone and don't know anyone. Where are u going to meet these men who will love you blindly?

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