[Steiner of Thule]

It hurts. Why am I me? I can't stand being in my skin.I can't stand me. I can't call the emergency line. There is nothing I can do. It hurt so much. I can't explain it. My insides hurt. It hurts. Once I lay down I never want to get back up. No one knows what it's like to be this alone. Don't dare try to say someone does. It won't work. Nothing works. I can't talk through it. I can't medicate my way through it. I would like if someone could kill me please. Please kill me.

[nuryn]

there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there!

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by nuryn

there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there!

Hang in for what? Many more years of feeling like **** and then eventual homelessness/death.

I am tired.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Steiner of Thule

Hang in for what? Many more years of feeling like **** and then eventual homelessness/death.

I am tired.

I agree. What's the point anymore?

I kind of know how you feel Steiner of Thule. I'm tired of this depression. Rarely enjoying anything. Just going through the motions. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and I'm not enjoying it.

[mommyto3furballs]

know how you feel for sure. can barely cope anymore myself. supposed to be happy but what is that???

[divine1966]

I am so sorry is there at least one thing that might give meaning? Sometimes when I fell low I volunteered at homeless shelters and it makes a difference also my job keeps me positive. Is there one thing you can find? Hugs

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[Kat20]

Steiner of Thule
you said Noone knows what it's like to be this alone....I think everyone has their own story and version and even their own hell and while maybe not in exactly your shoes, I do know what it is like to feel so alone, like an outsider watching the world but an uninvited guest, the only one who didn't get invited to the birthday, the forgotten one. I know what it is like to have every fiber of my being feel like it's on fire with such pain and sorrow, to have it feel like my brain (not ears) but brain is ringing. Medicated beyond belief and still no hope. I recently said what's the point even if somehow I come through and get to the light at the end of the tunnel, the next tunnel is only moments away. This is a cycle I am forced to relive with no hope of relief. I wonder why do I go on, yet I find I am here so I guess deep down I am clinging on hope that just maybe I can smile again and mean it, that my physical pain may find relief that all the meds don't offer, that somehow I deserve happiness even though it always escapes me. So I don't know your story or depths of your pain, but I know you are far from the only tortured soul and perhaps there will come a time when the sun's warmth brings a warming feeling and not burns. Hope is one of those words that get thrown around so easily, it can loose all its meaning, but there has to be something, there has to be just something worth hanging on for. You may walk your own journey which others may not fully grasp, but you are not walking it alone. I guess that gives me "hope" that makes me fight another day, another hour, sometimes another few seconds. An hour ago I was ready to throw in the towel and I found this. I can only wish for a better day and perhaps I am the only one who can make that better day a reality, and yes it is so freaking hard. But without that belief, what is left? You don't have to be alone!

[darkpurplesecrets]

Steiner of Thule

We are sorry you are feeling so alone and we validate how you feel. You said no one understands what it is like to be so alone but I get it; all within us understands. bundyzkat said it so clearly what could not have been said any better. And feeling so alone can also be there even when you are not really alone.

For us...aloneness is something within that no one else may feel or understand but it is there silently screaming within you. It engulfs and stares at you even when you try so hard to push it away, filling you and tearing at what is left--of all that you have ever known, all that you never knew and all that you feel; silently yet ever so present within ones self. For some, like us, it started from the beginning, for others it may have come through what they have walked through or continue to walk through.

For us...it is within the shattered pieces that cut through our very being, encircling but yet cannot be reached, and even if we did we would have no idea where those pieces truly belong, for it seems they never belonged anywhere. Those pieces that though we have tried to gather them, all the shards and tiny slivers, just never can be whole as they should have once been. And possibly within those tiniest of pieces lies what we are missing to ever feel we are one or could possibly belong anywhere at all; and not feel so alone.

For us...it is in the tears that fall when no one is around, in the silence of the night, within the darkness that surrounds, that aloneness then makes its presence known and it feels so devastating; sometimes for the first time, sometimes all over again. Those same tears we once cried silently when no one cared or was there; the tears that may have spoken once, once when we did not know they even had words at all; afraid yet still trying to speak again.

For us...those tears that may have spoken once, we had to pull away for safety deep within; as quickly as they came they were also gone, thus stopping any possible knowing what they might have said, if they would have spoken any words at all. Just hidden tears stopped before they had a real chance to even start, for crying would have meant something far worse; aloneness took over to keep safety as close as we could.

For us...we cannot put words to it, words that you never knew even existed, words that though now silently cry out when no one is there, somehow do not fit or will not fit, as the words possibly there we really have no understanding of, for they never had a chance to make sense from the beginning; we could not risk allowing them. And though we try and try, somewhere it is lost, or at least we cannot seem to find a way to explain the aloneness born within those tears, and possible words that existed too.

For us...words, feelings, meaning...it was all just pushed away as fast as it came, but the aloneness made always lived on in a silence and is still silently there. Words---words that we so wish would exist, words that would possibly make something within make sense. Words that could possibly allow anyone close even to not feel so alone. Just a wish we all still hold...maybe that is hope..maybe.

For us...maybe it is within that aloneness itself; the aloneness that isolated us, held us silent for so long, broke our will, and marked us that we feel so alone, an aloneness we cannot find a way to break lose from because it once saved us and somehow kept us going.....all that it ever knew is scared to open itself, for fear of isolation once again and punishment; punishment only known to us and those the punishment silenced itself.

For us...even though we are not alone now, within many still are. And somewhere that feeling of being alone still lives on and though deep and some sense of safety still grips us within that, it also terrifies us all and we are too afraid to let go and feel anything else; for even though we are not alone now, we know what aloneness was and still is. So we hold onto the safety we created to make it through being alone...life.

For us...a safety, because the safety of that is far better than the unknownness of what letting go of the safety may mean...death. We are so afraid of death, the ultimate aloneness we know is real...a chance we are not willing and are too terrified to face or even take. There is great fear of not being understood thus we stay silent and are so alone within that not understanding. We are alone, but we are safe here.

We do understand feeling so alone. And while it may not be the same, just know you are not alone. We too often have to take it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. We can hear it tick away, we feel the fear beating within, and we feel alone. And though we may be choosing to hold onto what we have always known, it is safe here, but it still carries an aloneness that hurts.

We so wish someone could understand, but we know they cannot. The choice was made by all we knew and it worked or we would not be here now. Aloneness still holds the keys of what she locked away to keep us all safe.

You are not alone....we walk in and with aloneness each day. And yes, it hurts...we do understand.

Echoes within dps

[divine1966]

I just lost all my money to financial "romance" scam and on Friday when I discovered it I wanted to die. It is still awful as I can't get the money back. It might cause me bankruptcy or I need a second job. But I have to continue living and I will. Find something to live for and keep moving forward hugs.

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[touchingthestars]

Wow. There are some really good descriptions of aloneness on here. Thank you! I find it helpful to describe my aloneness in writing, so stiner of thule I hope you felt the burden shift a bit when you posted this. And good for you for reaching out! It is much much easier to just give up without reaching out first, yet you tried to reach out and that can make all ther difference in your life. Good luck!

[Steiner of Thule]

Sorry to say, of course I am alone in this. Just because someone says they understand doesn't mean they do. To say one does not understand would make it seem like I don't understand your point. Don't worry I do. We all feel emotions. We interpret them differently. We have different reasons for feeling them. People who have lots of relationships will even feel lonely. Though never like me. I feel a deep hurting hatred for people who dare say they are lonely or even try to compare themselves to me. They have past relationships with others. They have friends and dare say while they have all this that they are lonely.

I can never experience it. I'm not allowed to feel love or positive chat with other people

It feels uncomfortable to me. A deep discomfort from being alone for perhaps too long. Never having even held hands with another human being. I prefer people treat me poorly because I know the appropriate response. Or more like I have freedom with my response to negativity. Though a positive response? How can I respond to someone being nice. It's a confusing situation. Something twists inside.

...

The feeling of having your friends betray you, think of you as a low- unlikable being. No one will hire me because of how unlikable and dumb I am.

I'm not smart enough to live. Basic living is hard. Going to the store. Trying to apply to jobs. No one likes me. School confuses me, perhaps I am too dumb for school. People seem to have so much going for them yet I never do. You feel like a fifth wheel to your friendships. I feel like a fifth wheel to the world. Imagine the world as a snow-globe and I am the one looking in, blocked out. It looks fun in there but no one will invite me in or allow me to enter/ play the game.

MONEY RULES THE WORLD! Without money you are no one. Anyone who says otherwise is dumb and knows nothing about how the world works. Would you rather have a relationship with someone with no money or someone with some money. When they say that money doesn't matter in relationships they are talking about people with a job and make a decent wage and can already get everything they want in life. Not someone who can't get a job at all and has no money to go off of. *Ohhhh I want to go out and spend money because money = joy in life!*

MONEY IS KEY!

Talking to people online is never really considered having people there for you. In the end no one is. Online isn't real. If someone wants to connect our worlds I would be to afraid to allow it. It's too unstable.

Trust no one because the world is full of con artists.

A consistent thought of downing all of my meds again. It doesn't matter if I live or die. My parents would weep for a bit sure but they will get over it. They have 5 grandkids already from my other, less useless, siblings.

I'm not really needed anymore.

[connect.the.stars]

Yea, money rules the world. Sadly. I tried to get my parent’s approval for being in a relationship with someone who had no money. They rejected it.

I’ve made friends online from playing in a virtual world together. They’re from all over the world. They are people. I agree it’s unstable. I find ways to keep in touch. Exchange letters, packages, texts, skype calls, emails, chats, even met some of them in person.

My parents want me to have nothing to do with these people. So I hide them. But they are real. Real friends.

I understand if you dislike me with all that I need to properly appreciate. I understand if you dislike how people say they understand when they don’t. I guess I can’t ever truly understand by your standards. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to try.

*leaves a plate of cookies on the table*

[avlady]

Dark purple secrets that was enlightening!!!!

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

Yea, money rules the world. Sadly. I tried to get my parent’s approval for being in a relationship with someone who had no money. They rejected it.

I’ve made friends online from playing in a virtual world together. They’re from all over the world. They are people. I agree it’s unstable. I find ways to keep in touch. Exchange letters, packages, texts, skype calls, emails, chats, even met some of them in person.

My parents want me to have nothing to do with these people. So I hide them. But they are real. Real friends.

I understand if you dislike me with all that I need to properly appreciate. I understand if you dislike how people say they understand when they don’t. I guess I can’t ever truly understand by your standards. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to try.

*leaves a plate of cookies on the table*

Very admirable of you. I had the option of meeting some but I was too anxious to. One that even said they had a deep longing/ affection for. They weren't far from my old home either. Though they quickly vanished on me as well. A regret of mine.

I can never really get too close I feel because I find my own emotions hard to stand. They feel really weird and perhaps even considered bad. I don't know.

*grabs cookie*

[waggiedog]

Hello fellow sufferers. I'm so so sad and sorry to read of your utter despair and pain which severe depression surely brings. I know and I UNDERSTAND, because I've been there far too many times, and I'll go there again. One thing that I know people who've never had true depression, doesn't know, is that depression is so PHYICALLY PAINFUL. For me it hurts my heart, it feels as though it's been squeezed of all it's life, it's a kind of grieving pain, like when you loose someone who really close to you. Perhaps thats why I've tired 'self medicating' with alcohol and substance abuse, to numb the pain, anything to take that ache away. I so wish I could hug all your pain away and then give you a reason/reasons to live again. I am my fathers only carerer now, he's 80 and I'm 56, we live together. I KNOE for a fact that when Dad passes I'm homeless straight away, it's a fact and the govenment have absolutely no intention of helping me because I don't have a load of kids on the social system. My severe mental health issues meant Dad was my only carerer, until 3 months ago. Overnight due to him having five cardiac arrests, our rolls turned 360, I'm now his carerer. I DO UNDERSTAND you all and I CARE about you, simply because I KNOW some of what you're going through. PLEASE hang on, PLEASE stay with us on PC, please let us know of any progress, both good or bad. Thankyou.

[touchingthestars]

My family doesn't have much in the way of money but were stable. My best friend on the other hand... She's had her hydro shut off, her siblings kicked out of their religeous private school from tuition delays, gone to bed without supper... Her father just died of a sudden massive heart attack at the age of 52. She says he died because of the lack of money. No one can ever say that money doesn't bring happiness

[williamsmaryn]

Originally Posted by Steiner of Thule

It hurts. Why am I me? I can't stand being in my skin.I can't stand me. I can't call the emergency line. There is nothing I can do. It hurt so much. I can't explain it. My insides hurt. It hurts. Once I lay down I never want to get back up. No one knows what it's like to be this alone. Don't dare try to say someone does. It won't work. Nothing works. I can't talk through it. I can't medicate my way through it. I would like if someone could kill me please. Please kill me.

This is exactly how I feel.. It's exhausting. My heart is tired of hurting

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by touchingthestars

My family doesn't have much in the way of money but were stable. My best friend on the other hand... She's had her hydro shut off, her siblings kicked out of their religeous private school from tuition delays, gone to bed without supper... Her father just died of a sudden massive heart attack at the age of 52. She says he died because of the lack of money. No one can ever say that money doesn't bring happiness

A rather poor situation.

[avlady]

I think you are right about money, we all need it in order to live for food clothing and shelter. my parents taught us to marry for love, of which after being so poor for so long now i sometimes wish i had married into money. i'm happy with my emotional love, but it saddens me that it is so hard not being able to give my son what he needs. he is emotionally going through a rough patch and is old enough to support himself, but his diagnosis stops him. as for anyone feeling as bad as you do, i have to challenge you on how you feel no one feels like you do. when i was 17 i tried to committ suicide because i was so lonely i couldn't take the pain of loneliness anymore. i didn't know how to communicate, and being poor, i didn't have nice things and didn't belong in the school click either. luckily it didn't work, i took a bunch of pills and was so surprised when i woke up the next morning.well, i won't say i understand but that is just my opinion on how i know how painful loneliness is.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by avlady

I think you are right about money, we all need it in order to live for food clothing and shelter. my parents taught us to marry for love, of which after being so poor for so long now i sometimes wish i had married into money. i'm happy with my emotional love, but it saddens me that it is so hard not being able to give my son what he needs. he is emotionally going through a rough patch and is old enough to support himself, but his diagnosis stops him. as for anyone feeling as bad as you do, i have to challenge you on how you feel no one feels like you do. when i was 17 i tried to committ suicide because i was so lonely i couldn't take the pain of loneliness anymore. i didn't know how to communicate, and being poor, i didn't have nice things and didn't belong in the school click either. luckily it didn't work, i took a bunch of pills and was so surprised when i woke up the next morning.well, i won't say i understand but that is just my opinion on how i know how painful loneliness is.

I've tried overdosing in the past and failed. We can feel loneliness but the reasons for it can be different. I feel a bit ticked off at some people that like to say they are lonely or that no one loves them because they say it for dramatic effect. Whenever I question these people about it it's always, "well I have these friends I talk to and all these past people I've had relationships with but! I'M JUST AS HURT AS YOU!" Perhaps they are as hurt as me. Doesn't change my feelings of they have it good and should piss off. I can't help how I feel about it just as much as they can't help how they feel about it.
I dunno.

[connect.the.stars]

To add on to the topic about money.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Money allows us to get food, shelter, medicine, etc. Falls under the physiological and safety.

If you can't even have these basic needs met, then it's impossible to be motivated to focus on the next level.

But if you already have the money to live a stable & secure lifestyle, then that's when people start saying "all you need is love."

[avlady]

so true!!

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

To add on to the topic about money.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Money allows us to get food, shelter, medicine, etc. Falls under the physiological and safety.

If you can't even have these basic needs met, then it's impossible to be motivated to focus on the next level.

But if you already have the money to live a stable & secure lifestyle, then that's when people start saying "all you need is love."

A good pyramid. Though people seem to like generalizing and expecting everyone to have everything set before they even try with anyone. Yet some seem to never struggle to have things set. Different ideas of an acceptable level. An acceptable thing for one person may not be close at all for another. My problem being confidence/motivation to do stuff.

[avlady]

some people are born with silver spoons in their mouths too!!!!