Jealous of Suicide Attempts

Especially ones done by children. I've realized that the whole idea of me being "triggered" when a teen or young adult come in to the hospital for a sui attempt or even if I hear or read about it - that the root of the issue is jealousy. I'm finally allowing myself to accept enough of my own attempt to try to process it and I realize i'm jealous. I overdosed on a small bottle of tylenol out of impulse when I was twelve. When guidance asked me if I did - i said no. They searched my bag, found the empty bottle and DID NOTHING. They sent me home with my mom (the biggest source of my issues) who also took me at my word about not taking the pills. And I never said anything. I just laid on the couch, sleeping; feeling in and out of consciousness just waiting to die. And after an unknown amount of time i realized I would not die. My mom made me go to school again and I got up and went outside in private and vomited all the pills i suppose. And then the world went back to normal. My mom told me when i got older she couldn't sleep and checked on me continuously through the night thinking she'd find me dead and yet she did nothing to get me help. I see people come in with family caring about them and i'm jealous. Or i see them with "more legit attempts" and i'm jealous. How do i resolve this inner feeling without making a second "better" attempt?

I feel for u teal. I wish I ha words of encouragement or positivity or anything insightful but I just can't come up with it even for myself. I am sorry. But I did want u to know ur not alone in those feelings I am there as well. The darkness just overwhelms all. U should talk to ur T about this, I should do the same. Maybe this time I will send T that email. Neither one of us is in a good place and we should reach out no matter how exhausting it is. It's for the possibility of a better tomorrow a better future a better us.

Thanks monkey. I feel like I should feel like a bad person because I am supposed to be encouraging people to live, not die. And its not at all that I want them to die; I just wish I had the courage to make a better effort to take my own life. I dunno, I'm really not in a bad place just keep having suicidal thoughts that aren't fleeting (no intent). I was simply waiting for my food at a restaurant and kept imagining myself blowing my brains out in the lobby. I don't have any access to this method, nor do I want to - it's just the thoughts that are appealing. I appreciate that you can relate (and admit that you can relate) to my feelings. I don't know. Let me know if you choose to send T that email. I'm sorry that you're in the darkness too.

Teal

I did not send T an email. Honestly today I don't remember what I felt last night or y. As hard as I try to remember so I could at least tell T Monday for the life of me I can't recall. I made another post last night as well. Maybe if I read that I'll recall or it'll tell me so I can share with T. Maybe I should just forget about and not care. I dunno. I kno the darkness is wrapped around me and has been for almost a week maybe even longer I don't recall.

I don't want kids killing themselves either. I kno there are a lot of gay youth doing it and were driven to it by tormentors. Peers society and their parents add fuel to the depression and self loathing. I feel for them. I wasn't bullied in school but was at home and especially in my own head. It was a very dark time for me but I can't say it was the worst. I hope u feel better today. Think of it this way. All around the world ppl feel down but every day someone somewhere starts to feel better. Our day will come.