[Yismymindblank12]

So I guess my hard work doesn't matter. I don't have the abs I want I just want to stop eating what little I have now. I feel the need to avoid people. Living life never close to anyone. Knowing everything you do and show for is always unnoticed. Then when your sad about it you're always lonely. That person you want to hug you then is all in your head.
My life is nothing more than this.
I didn't choose this it chose me. I avoid trying to offend and please everyone feeling I can't be allowed to have feelings. There's my problem I guess let others come before me but what the ****, do I have to show for.

My belly rumbles coming home from work knowing there isn't as much food as I like to see. That I have two share with other people knowing they be better off eating happy over you.
Love is non existent what is it?
I don't know I try to show it the best I can and all people do is want me dead gor it.
They call me weak *****. I shouldn't get **** because I give a ****.
That's what I get for living. I get beaten and raped and humiliated if I died the world might cry ir just forgot I was there.

I just poetically described my life

[H3rmit]

Sounds like you are hurting a lot. I'm not sure, though, if you're saying you don't have enough food or you are intentionally going hungry. Neither sounds good.

[Yismymindblank12]

Both actually.

[Yismymindblank12]

It's years and years of hurting. Surrounded by idiots who care about ruining their lives while I'm just trying to begin mine.

I am trying to find a therapist to get me hormonal replacement therapy. I hate what I see ij my mirror.
I'm just mentioning I'm male and transgender, but I expect the hate I get from it even from my family.
I lived a very difficult life I didn't get any of the support or love I needed then or now.
I am half tempted many days forget how to talk not say a word anymore.
Being silenced all my life because people expect me to be some junkie or I have to die like 4 more times before someone realizes something isn't right with me.

When people try to help me they tell me to suck it up. I never knew what love was unconditional, even from the people who practice it. I try to give all my heart, but its not enough.
I find happiness in my hell. I think many religious insightful enlightenment people know this, but people still beat my emotions till I am some stone cold killer.
If someone died that I love so much.
I can't cry not because I'm nit sad, it's this abuse I live with for over 15 years of it makes me feel weak emotionally but numb to any tragedy.

People treat me this badly.

I could wish anything. I wish to be a beautiful girl who has her life together good friends being a mom and teacher. Having someone love me and is physically here with me now to ease my pain knowing I can't wait to see her again.

[H3rmit]

It sounds like what you're saying is you live with people who are disordered, and so people expect you to be like them? I wish I could cook you a meal. I have excess food.

I've known a couple of transgender males (to females). It was very difficult for them, both before and after. It must be tough. I really feel I should have been a man, but after thinking about it, I don't really care about having a body or a social representation, so I just accept the physical bits I have. I realize this is very different from how other people feel. I'm kind of weird. But what I'm saying is I realize this can be a source of many conflicts, and I've seen it in various ways. You are not alone. Do you have other people to talk to, who have been through it?

Yeah, unconditional love, don't get me started. I have so many people who throw the word love around, but where the heck are the actions to back it up? Seems the people who use the word the most are the worst slackers in the action department.

How can we get you some food? Being rounder is very feminine, you know? (My husband got called miss and maam for many years, because he was a little rounder in places. We are oddballs.)

[Yismymindblank12]

No I don't have anyone I can talk to

[H3rmit]

I'm sure you can find other people with similar issues on the net. Might be worth exploring. I hope you get what you need.

[jaciRock]

You can talk to people here. Please eat, if you don't have enough to eat just say so. Don't deny yourself. Anyone wanting that kind of hormone therapy or surgery has to prove they are mentally fit.

I understand being in the wrong body. I am but I'd lose too much if I try to change it.

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by jaciRock

You can talk to people here. Please eat, if you don't have enough to eat just say so. Don't deny yourself. Anyone wanting that kind of hormone therapy or and has to prove they are mentally fit.

I understand being in the wrong body. I am but I'd lose too much if I try to change it.

Ik about that all too well. I always ask myself if I'm mentally fit for anything. Like I ****ed so much **** up for really hurtful things done unto me and its so constant I don't know if anyone is going to be here for me ever.

[jaciRock]

We can be here for you but we don't pass out HRT.

[Yismymindblank12]

What I restricting now is no carbs period... Like starchy breads and grains. I will only eat veggies lots of meat and some fruit. I only drink water, I never like eating much. I am afraid it will hurt my progress I have some loose skin and been bulking like I've never before. I started doing this a year ago after coming out of a coma finding out the girl I liked never liked me. I felt badly hurt and so I feel I wasn't good enough so after going through a year of eating one neal a day to now one or two meals every couple days. I have lost about 30 additional lbs about that on top of 70 lbs altogether but I'm short of my goal of 135. I look like the height of 5'7" 5'9" I don't know. I used to weight almost 245 my heaviest ever in my life. I used to be 80 lbs 7 years ago. At 14 I was very underweight, now I lost 80 heading to lose 30 more. I stopped eating and it's became an addiction really to help bring control of things I can't the only way I can for now. Is what I eat and constant exercise, I lift weights the most on top of running and light exercises.
I have neurological condition that's rare called stiff person syndrome it makes me helpless and feeling like I'm paralyzed when it erupts everytime. I'm going to keep losing weight and keeping it off. Not ever gaining one bit of it back no matter how hard it takes.
I just got so tired of hating my make figure then having girls just jump to mu friends and ignore me like I'm this space in the room that shouldn't belong here.

[H3rmit]

Yeah, totally you can talk to people here. I just thought a group of people going through the same main issue might also be comforting or of value.