[BarbieSoFetch]

Hi! Jaime here, today I wanted to ask others opinions on their perspective on a few things. So, ever since I was an infant, my father has always been that dark figure in my life. And I'm talking about mental abuse. My father grew up in a traumatic environment his whole life. He witnessed his mothers physical abuse, etc. My point is, I feel like he carried out his anger into his family. I feel as if there is a forever last darkness surrounding him. When I was young he use to spank us for no reason, consistently mentally break down my mother, etc. Well as years went on, and as I got older, I began using his own methods against him. I can honestly say, if my father were to die, I wouldn't be completely heartbroken (not at all suggesting he should die or I want him to). But he's created a mentality for myself towards him that I don't want him in my life, etc. My mother says I am holding a grudge. I just say I have adapted to this irreverence towards him. I mean, how can I not hold a grudge and how can't she hold one? He has done so many bad things to her it became a habit. Please give me your opinion on this subject or advice thanks lovelys!

[darkfoxx]

I think that's the definition of holding a grudge.
1. a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.
I hold a grudge against my family as well so not trying to knock you or anything. Your mother might have known a different side of him, or she is willing to let go for probably her children's sake, or if it has become habit then maybe she tolerates it. My whole life was been a series of traumatic events from different family members, my father who was never there until I was 16 and had nothing but negative interactions with, my mother who lost me due to drug issues also had no interactions with until I was 18 - who I just can't relate to as I see her as a stranger. My Aunt, who I lived with my entire life, her inability to adequately care for me with her emotional wall, and my non-related uncle who beat me mentally and physically as well as his actions for example not letting me eat food. So yeah I think I can relate. The closest person I had was my Aunt and when she passed away a couple of years ago, I didn't shed a single tear. I'm not sure if it was the way I was conditioned or if I would have just turned out this way regardless but I have no contact with most of my family for things they've done directly or indirectly. Best advice I can give is just move on with your life the way you see fit, if that includes them great, if not, so be it. Also just a side note grudges are mentally exhausting so if you can forgive then that is probably your best option otherwise I would suggest minimal contact, IMO.
Sorry for the long winded story, and like I said this is just my opinion and the way I choose to deal.

[JJBX]

Well, I don't know for sure, to be honest with you. I think a lot of people assume that if you have learned someone is unhealthy to be around, not being around them is the same as holding a grudge. I can relate to your story about your father because mine was also abusive. If he were to die, I honestly wouldn't care. I have no love for him. He has apologized for his past behavior, which is great, but he hasn't changed and I did give hm a fair shot to try to be in my life again. I decided against maintaining a relationship with him because he's a sociopath. There is no grudge involved.

Unlike my brothers, who I DO have a grudge against because they say stupid crap at family holidays. The difference though is I actually want a relationship with my brothers and their idiocy makes it difficult to do that. So, it's not as simple as saying that you wanting to avoid your father is you holding a grudge. I see a grudge as being a lot more petty (ex. he was rude to me before and I'm still angry) as opposed to a more natural avoidance (ex. He has caused me injury either physically or emotionally and I'm weary).

I found that my mother would say that I'm holding a grudge against my father because she was in denial about how bad it was. After slowly coming to the accept that there is actually something wrong with my father, that talk just dropped and she no longer pushed me to try to have a relationship with him. It bothers me to see people pressured to "forgive" someone who has injured them (tell them that it was fine or that it's understandable) or that some people give a passive-aggressive forgiveness as a way to jab back. That's not healing.

I think what you need to work out for your own health is how bothered you are about how your father treated you. Is this something you want to confront him directly about? Is this something you can resolve with a therapist? Do you want to try to have a relationship with your father? Those are the questions you should ask yourself.

[striking]

You are rightfully angry at your father, and rightfully angry, hurt, disappointed towards your mother too. You were raised in an emotionally and physically unstable environment. You probably wondered why your mother didn't leave for the kids sake. We often hear about staying in a poor relationship for the kids (my parents did). You seem to be at the point where your upbringing is starting to have an impact on your adult life.

The coping skills of childhood do not work in our adult lives. This can lead to anxiety and depression.

You can forgive your father without ever talking to him again. You can forgive your mother without letting her know that you ever did so. Now is about you as you free yourself of those childhood burdens.