FrankenSteiner

I'm not the real me with meds. - I am not able to live without them? I feel the times I'm not medicated even for a small bit. I scare others away. Everyone on here. People in real life.

Am I a monster?

I'm feeling very melancholic with a deep longing for my old self. The un-medicated me. Then it makes me wonder though. Is there any way I can really win this game?

I take meds. I live a normal life. A normal boring life. Living in a fog. Probably still unable to attain relationships but I dredge and work. I create a wealth for myself alone. Or try to. Then I slowly age and watch everyone die before me. My parents. My siblings. My pets. I'll die alone.

If I stop the meds. I go back to my anxious ways. I become reliant on my parents again. I'll become mad at my worthlessness and want to kill myself and possibly do kill myself. I wouldn't be in a fog though. I would be the real me. The one with thoughts.

Don't tell me the medicated me is the real me. How can someone who is medicated be their true self?

I can't stay medicated forever. So the being a real person train will end eventually.

You are definitely not a monster, Thule! The right medication is not going to be a magic happy pill or make all your problems disappear. It will give you enough distance or reaction time to deal with those thoughts and anxiety.
There are always other options like therapy to help learn coping skills as well. Perhaps use the medications to help and you can tone down on them when you get better at dealing with those anxious feelings?
i would just like to congratulate you on the progress you have made, getting a job is hard work! ❤

I am not so sure that a normal life is as you describe it: I live a normal life. A normal boring life. Living in a fog. Probably still unable to attain relationships but I dredge and work. I create a wealth for myself alone. Or try to. Then I slowly age and watch everyone die before me. My parents. My siblings. My pets. I'll die alone.

Real life is far from perfect, but not nearly as bleak as you seem to think. Could you have unrealistic expectations of what normal life is and when it fails to match up you are unreasonably disappointed?

Perhaps so

I don't entirely disagree. The nature of life often seems at odds to what one expects and wants, and I have from time to time subscribed to the view that depression or worse is a rational response. But unfortunately that does not change life and damages me. We all. apparently, have to do what we can.

I guess we all try to do what we can yeah. Though I think a lot of those attempts end up unrewarded. Perhaps even a step in the wrong direction