A while ago I made a comment on someone else's discussion who was struggling with the same issues I do - the lack of understanding and support from our families or even being accused of being manipulative or ridiculed or told to GET OVER IT. I realized while responding that this is a pervasive problem that many suffer from and I wanted to address it specifically because, for myself, of all the cruelties and agony I have suffered thru the years due to my OCD, my depression and now it seems my PTSD/BPD, of all of them being ridiculed etc., the very cruelest most heartbreaking aspect is feeling abandoned by my family.

It is understandable in some ways why our families take issue with the symptoms of our disease and why they suspect we are merely being manipulative. But when we give them information to help them understand us how many of them don't hear or listen or read. We did not get to choose our malady - their decision to turn away from us is theirs, it is not forced on them.. It is my position after having been pushed beyond my limits to cope with my illness that it is incumbent on them if they are not battling their own demons, to go the extra mile, to read and find out so that they know it is not just you. Failing to do that in my mind they lose any "right" to grumble and complain about how awful we are.

No one that I know of yells at someone who gets cancer and says "how dare you". No one tells cancer victims to GET OVER IT. But we are yelled at or accused of nefarious goals. It is the ultimate insult and stigma of mental disorders that we are deprived of the love and support other sufferers of some disease or malady receive when they are challenged. All manner of help and support is available to people facing challenges like cancer or other life-altering diseases and problems but from my point of view it it is the loneliest most heartbreaking aspect of mental illness that we are deprived of the love and support that is a given for others that could make such a big difference.

We talk about how cruel the old insane asylums used to be and pride ourselves on how far we have come. But there are other "old issues" that remain as cruel and heartless as ever and no one is trying to change it.

I do not know the answer, I only know that it seems "not fair". I have told my children that life is not fair and it isn't. But our families are not random acts or rotten luck of the draw to be in the wrong place/wrong time that can be not fair Our families and loved ones are people who ultimately either choose to support us or not. They choose whether to take the trouble to stop playing Candy Crush long enough to do research into our ailment.

The pain of my own mental issues to deal with is bad enough but the even more cruel blow is that my family has abandoned me which is a fear I first acquired beginning in childhood after being molested by a neighbor when I was 7 and with no one to tell the guilt I felt convinced me that I would die and go to hell while my family all left me and went to heaven leaving me forever in the pits of hell with no escape.

But they self-righteously don't think they are they abandoning us they think they are practicing tough love - in my own case trying to teach me a lesson in manners which is ludicrous because I was brought up to and have always said thank you and please for everything. I have always looked out for the feelings of others including the underdog so to now find myself on the receiving end of TOUGH LOVE is heartbreaking and every day is a struggle to get thru one more day of loneliness and heartbreak.

How many others are there out there who have this one final cruel casualty to add to the carnage wreaked on our minds and emotions. The feeling that we are in some ways like the lepers of old, the untouchables, the unfit, the unclean that must be shunned lest we pass on our disease.

My heart is breaking with loneliness and sadness tonight; even though I have experienced it before it still hurts in a way for which there is no pain killer to numb, no temporary respite to be had. And just as I did when I was a child struggling to grow up with an emotionally absent/cruel and callous mother, I ache to feel her arms around me, wrapping me in her love, knowing that I was safe with her. Every cell of my body still aches now not just for her love but the love and support today of my sons. And no matter how many different ways I have tried to say what i need the result is always the same. I am alone in my sorrow while others gossip among themselves what a rotten person I am.

I wish I knew the answer but I hope to find others who will share their similar stories with me. If they will not comfort us can we not at least comfort each other. They say "stop feeling sorry for yourself" but my feeling is what right have they to take our one sole source of comfort denied to us by everyone else ordering us that we too must have no kind thoughts even for ourselves. Its as though they are saying that THEY - THE WORLD has judged us and we must abide by their ruling that not a drop of comfort can we have.

I am angry and hurt and wounded. Can we not love ourselves at least just a little?

[Ruftin]

(((ALL))) I live what you posted. I cried as I begged my family to google my illness and to this day they have shown no interest in knowing what's causing my suffering. I can't even start to make a case for myself because they will not educate themselves. When I try to educate them verbally they might as well be hearing, blah, blah, blah......I cannot fathom the un mitigated dis interest I see in my own family. It appalls me.

It's a puzzle really because this happens world wide. Does their happiness make them numb to our suffering? Does our suffering make us numb to their sympathy?.......

Originally Posted by Ruftin

(((ALL))) I live what you posted. I cried as I begged my family to google my illness and to this day they have shown no interest in knowing what's going causing my suffering. I would want to know if it were one of them. I would want to know what was coming, what to expect, when to run, when to stay, what I could do to help.......I cannot fathom the un mitigated dis interest I see in my own family. It appalls me.

I'm sorry your family has shown so little interest in the problems you face. Being family involves more than getting together for birthdays and thanksgiving. They have failed you miserably. And I, too, would be looking up whatever problems my family faces. I did that for various problems my sons faced trying to help them find answers, not to physical/mental problems, but things that affected their life. i have a friend whose mother recently died of cancer. She told me that as soon as she found out the diagnosis she had a stack of books and information to delve into. unfortunately not everyone is that selfless. Today's world is all about finding happiness for "me" and to heck with whoever i trample on or leave behind while I'm doing it. Families are not like they used to be it seems to me. The world is too busy but for important things you TAKE THE TIME. its a choice they make not to take it while they hold you responsible for something that was not your choice.

[sideblinded]

A Little Lost ((hugs))

Your post made me want to hug myself as I thought back to when my dad walked right out of my life. I was 10. I did not deserve that. I did not cause that. The pain from that didn't just manifest as pain. It continued to ravage me my whole life because I lacked the ability to attach to a man ever since. I didn't know what men were for. I didn't know who they were as my mom did not remarry. I could not learn any of this as I continued to grow up. I don't have any words of wisdom for you as I am also feeling my pain. I am human.

Originally Posted by sideblinded

A Little Lost ((hugs))

Your post made me want to hug myself as I thought back to when my dad walked right out of my life. I was 10. I did not deserve that. I did not cause that. The pain from that didn't just manifest as pain. It continued to ravage me my whole life because I lacked the ability to attach to a man ever since. I didn't know what men were for. I didn't know who they were as my mom did not remarry. I could not learn any of this as I continued to grow up. I don't have any words of wisdom for you as I am also feeling my pain. I am human.

You have to have lived it - that's my advice to those who say that whatever your life was does not qualify you to have any complaints or problems. There is no way to say things that will fully reveal the amount of suffering that went on for years.

It takes years to figure out the total picture when we were growing up. Children accept whatever home they were born into as the way it is when an adult would recognize that the home might be totally unacceptable.

For myself, I blamed myself for not measuring up - it took me a long time to realize the cruelty my mother inflicted - criticizing me without any suggestion how to fix the alleged fault of mine. You don't cut your child down and then leave it hurting and blaming themselves. A parents job is to teach, not to cut down and move on. I'm glad you have at least begun to take a critical look at the values you were raised with.

I'm glad you thought of hugging yourself, I hope you did and i hope it felt just right.

[Ruftin]

(((ALL))) I'm sorry for your suffering as well. I read your bio.

Originally Posted by sideblinded

A Little Lost ((hugs))

Your post made me want to hug myself as I thought back to when my dad walked right out of my life. I was 10. I did not deserve that. I did not cause that. The pain from that didn't just manifest as pain. It continued to ravage me my whole life because I lacked the ability to attach to a man ever since. I didn't know what men were for. I didn't know who they were as my mom did not remarry. I could not learn any of this as I continued to grow up. I don't have any words of wisdom for you as I am also feeling my pain. I am human.

This really hit home. I experienced the same exact thing. I've tried to explain it but no one seems to understand.

I'm terrified of being abandoned. Your post nearly made me cry. Sometimes there are just no words. But i feel you tremendously

[avlady]

i think your post was enlightening and great, i've lived it myself too. i am schitzophrenic and no one in my family understood and they abused me instead of loving me and accepting my illness. i was thrown in a psych ward although i did need it, but felt no love or acceptance from my family, although my mother was there for me. at one point i was told to get over it which is the stupidest thing i've ever heard. i really liked your post and it hit home, i feel for you and hope you feel better, i understand.

[Thunder Bow]

Our society is in the dark ages when it comes to mental heath. Those who say "Get Over It" are stupid and very scared, for they fear they are that way them selves. Those who say those mean spirited things to others, are Mentally Ill them selves.

Originally Posted by sideblinded

A Little Lost ((hugs))

Your post made me want to hug myself as I thought back to when my dad walked right out of my life. I was 10. I did not deserve that. I did not cause that. The pain from that didn't just manifest as pain. It continued to ravage me my whole life because I lacked the ability to attach to a man ever since. I didn't know what men were for. I didn't know who they were as my mom did not remarry. I could not learn any of this as I continued to grow up. I don't have any words of wisdom for you as I am also feeling my pain. I am human.

I missed it before - how devastating to have your father elect to walk out of your life. The only ameliorating aspect i can come up with is depending on their relationship (both your parents) it might have been more devastating to have stayed together.

My parents should have split before they did - before my father was too old to deal with it - but as always my sainted mother had her excuse at the ready. She did the heroic thing and waited till all her children were raised. MY OPINION it wasn't all that heroic - we would have been better off had she departed sooner rather than stay in place and grind people down. My parents never should have married imo but my mother can be VERY PERSUASIVE

I can just imagine the argument she came up with or the pressure applied. My father was 43 years older than she was. I remember special times with him when I was very much younger - he tried really hard for me and my brother and sister (who were adopted). he took on the responsibility for children at a time when most parents are sending their kids out into the world. i've seen pictures of him - he was a good sport about it - although when i got to be a teenager we had more than our share of contretemps - most of them inspired/encouraged by my mother.

I think she had a way of gathering ALLIES whenever she had a war to wage - she would assemble the forces necessary to accomplish the task - she had a mental list of resources in one profession or the other or family/friends or even priests (yuck mostly) so that no matter what the task she could getter done, unfortunately for whoever the targeted one was. Anyway I can well imagine my father went along with her vendetta against me to save himself and i can't entirely fault him for that. he was old and wanted peace in his life which he was entitled to.

There are many different types of people in life, one i have observed are people able to attract mates one after the other - sometimes not waiting until the old one was out of the picture (my ex-husband comes to mind). My ex-daughter-in-law is one of us, the troubled, not sure exactly what but something I'm not privy to. She went undiagnosed for some time. But that did not stop her (like her mother) from attracting the next guy - without much effort it seems - sort of like the proverbial falling off a log - but nothing good came of it except for another daughter in addition to my grand-daughter.

So I'm not sure finding another mate is all that much to be sought after. I'm with you though, I have a difficult time, i either pick out a loser or go along with one who picks out me - or in the one case i can think of where he actually had potential, the only guy I dated who was not physically and/or mentally abusive - both of us had issues - mother issues actually - his could not be overcome. He was special - I liked being with him even if we were doing nothing special - it was not to be.

My ex-husband who was quite the womanizer has been married 4 times but number 3 took the wind out of his sails which I could appreciate actually unfortunately in so doing she was very detrimental to my sons life as well otherwise I would have given her a high-5. After he got free of her (at very high cost - she was willing to stick around thru the divorce going for the big bucks which I was not) I think he was pretty much of in need of settling down.

He has number 4 and lots of money a new house and a very comfortable life even though in some ways he's very stupid and block-headed (he has all the sensitivity of a garden slug) - i could have gotten a pretty good chunk of change going for his profit sharing but I just wanted out - and I was always intimidated by him so I didn't want to make too many waves.

[Nina Simone]

This post is soooo inside my head. Today, Easter Sunday, I actually thought "this must be how lepers felt". I had to talk myself down. No one called me or reached out to me for the holiday. I sent out texts to family and friends and maybe half responded. I started feeling like something must be wrong with me to make everyone avoid me. Why am I not worthy of an invitation or even a phone call on a holiday? I reminded myself all living things are deserving of love and affection. I just don't have the right people in my life to provide that for me.

I can go days without seeing another person. Weeks go by without me touching another living being. I find it hard to be affectionate sometimes because I feel so needy and people don't understand. My threshold for emotional pain is very low and I don't want anyone to be mean to me. Therefore I withdraw. I feel so alone and I'm trying to get treatment but I had to switch insurance and so I'm still at the beginning.

I don't even like using the word family. It implies a relationship that does not exist. Not only are they not supportive they are users. If I'm paying for a meal that's when they have time. If I challenge them in any way it's a problem. Telling me to "buck up" and "everyone gets down" does not help my situation. I have done so much for my family and supported so many through so much. To have them turn their backs on me really is a horrible betrayal.

I can look back now and see where depression has been a constant in my family. My Mother, Grandmother and probably my Great-Grandmother all suffered from depression I believe. There has been so much abuse in my family it's not surprising. It's funny when I hear other people talk about my family I think....if only you knew how damaged we all are.

I keep telling myself things will get better but I feel like I'm slipping further and further down the rabbit hole. Nothing gives me joy and it's hard to get out of bed. I have to prepare myself mentally at least a day or two before to even leave the house. Even then by the time I get my coat on I just want to go back to bed. No one understands the hell my life is right now and I've given up trying to explain it. I'm so tired and that scares me. In the past when I've drifted deep into the darkside being tired was always a bad sign.

Yes, we are in the dark ages as far as this thing goes. You can go to prison for saying you hate Islamic terrorists - but to hate the mentally ill and/or abandon them is not cruel if popular opinion is your measure. People do things to those with mental/emotional issues that would never be done to anyone else. Obama campaigns for rights for Islamic terrorists, his judges order paid sex change operations for murderers, but he hasn't a word to say about this.

Originally Posted by Nina Simone

This post is soooo inside my head. Today, Easter Sunday, I actually thought "this must be how lepers felt". I had to talk myself down. No one called me or reached out to me for the holiday. I sent out texts to family and friends and maybe half responded. I started feeling like something must be wrong with me to make everyone avoid me. Why am I not worthy of an invitation or even a phone call on a holiday? I reminded myself all living things are deserving of love and affection. I just don't have the right people in my life to provide that for me.

I can go days without seeing another person. Weeks go by without me touching another living being. I find it hard to be affectionate sometimes because I feel so needy and people don't understand. My threshold for emotional pain is very low and I don't want anyone to be mean to me. Therefore I withdraw. I feel so alone and I'm trying to get treatment but I had to switch insurance and so I'm still at the beginning.

I don't even like using the word family. It implies a relationship that does not exist. Not only are they not supportive they are users. If I'm paying for a meal that's when they have time. If I challenge them in any way it's a problem. Telling me to "buck up" and "everyone gets down" does not help my situation. I have done so much for my family and supported so many through so much. To have them turn their backs on me really is a horrible betrayal.

I can look back now and see where depression has been a constant in my family. My Mother, Grandmother and probably my Great-Grandmother all suffered from depression I believe. There has been so much abuse in my family it's not surprising. It's funny when I hear other people talk about my family I think....if only you knew how damaged we all are.

I keep telling myself things will get better but I feel like I'm slipping further and further down the rabbit hole. Nothing gives me joy and it's hard to get out of bed. I have to prepare myself mentally at least a day or two before to even leave the house. Even then by the time I get my coat on I just want to go back to bed. No one understands the hell my life is right now and I've given up trying to explain it. I'm so tired and that scares me. In the past when I've drifted deep into the darkside being tired was always a bad sign.

Shame on all those hypocrites "celebrating" Easter without the compassion or morals to contact you - phone you or invite you for dinner I'm sure some of them must have had. People are TOO BUSY in today's world to look after vulnerable family members, instead they just pretend you're not there - case/problem solved - guilt is banished. Neither lepers nor the mentally/emotionally challenged should be so shunned or disregarded - in fact I think the lot of lepers has, happily, improved, not so for those with mental disorders and struggles.

Thankfully we can support those who struggle here without need to feel ashamed or to be permission to be recognized. Everyone who responded to this discussion has been touched by the cruel neglect and my heart goes out to you, to all of us. Find one person here on these forums every day who is really struggling and reach out to them. We must have the heart that others don't - for each other, brothers and sisters in the most exquisitely lonely pain.

[SoupDragon]

This has come up for me in another thread, but what happens if we turn it around and see it not as a problem of abandonment, but one of dependency?

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

This has come up for me in another thread, but what happens if we turn it around and see it not as a problem of abandonment, but one of dependency?

Good point. But it isn't dependency perhaps unless someone changes "the rules" - that whereas in the past it was acceptable to believe or expect that there is such a thing as mutual respect and caring for one another. perhaps?