I feel ashamed and broken; please help me.

In the span of a month I've lost a lot. My long term relationship is over, I left a job I loved for a (more intense and stressful one) because I wasn't making enough to live, and my relationships with my parents and siblings are dead.

My ex and I were engaged and I sort of indirectly ended it through behavior then he made it official. He'd broken my trust a few times and I never got over it. He made the choice I wasn't brave enough to but I'm hurting because he was significantly older than me and was in some ways more than a lover - like a parental figure. He taught me to drive, edited my research for school and work, coached me, encouraged me to love myself and helped me discover more about myself sexually. I feel like someone died and now I fantasize about death. I know it's shameful but the pain is that deep.

I don't know what to do. He said he'd remain my friend but knowing that he doesn't want me romantically is so painful. I keep calling him and he initially responded but now has stopped. I feel empty and alone.

Has anyone else been here, what should I do?

I feel your pain and frustration and I understand that losing a loved one is very difficult.I have been where you are and even attempted because the pain was so great. I was with my ex for 5 years and was going to propose to her. Then I found out that she had done te unimaginable and I walked out. This was a woman i intended to spend my life with and even had and lost a child with.

But here is the good news. It gets easier as time goes on. It really does. Right now it feels super painful because you had a lot of things happen at once but as time goes on you can use the things that you learned in that relationship to pursue a relationship with someone who is going to love you for who you are. Two years ago I thought my world was over. But now I am married to my best friend. All you can do is urge yourself to move on. Nobody is worth you keeping yourself in pain for.

Originally Posted by ChaoticInsanity

I feel your pain and frustration and I understand that losing a loved one is very difficult.I have been where you are and even attempted because the pain was so great. I was with my ex for 5 years and was going to propose to her. Then I found out that she had done te unimaginable and I walked out. This was a woman i intended to spend my life with and even had and lost a child with.

But here is the good news. It gets easier as time goes on. It really does. Right now it feels super painful because you had a lot of things happen at once but as time goes on you can use the things that you learned in that relationship to pursue a relationship with someone who is going to love you for who you are. Two years ago I thought my world was over. But now I am married to my best friend. All you can do is urge yourself to move on. Nobody is worth you keeping yourself in pain for.

Thank you for this, its hard to imagine with the freshness of the unbearable pain but I know you're right.

[cyborg_hearted]

I don´t want to give an easy answer, without knowing details about your life, but what I thought when I read your post was, you somehow remind me of myself. For a long time I´d been seeking for a parental figure, because my own father was not the father to me, that he should have been. And so I expected to find what I´ve been missing in other men.older men. I´ve been addicted to them, I thought that they were the only way for me to get to know who I am, and the only way to find protection and care. When loosing one of these men, I felt so incredibly empty and unable to live and I had no hope towards future to become fine and liveable.
want to tell you, even if you can´t believe now, YOU are able to be happy!!! Your life can become whole again!!
when I was in that state, I thought about those, who told me something like what I´m telling you now,:
You don´t know anything about me and my life,about The overwhelming pain! how can you know that I am able going to become luckyly again?
I wanted to quit my live for about many years, but now I begin beeing glad I did not quit. It was a process, hard work,
but indeed I am going to be happy!!!
never believed in the possibility. And it feels so good.
Please don´t give up, Rouge198!!!

Originally Posted by cyborg_hearted

I don´t want to give an easy answer, without knowing details about your life, but what I thought when I read your post was, you somehow remind me of myself. For a long time I´d been seeking for a parental figure, because my own father was not the father to me, that he should have been. And so I expected to find what I´ve been missing in other men.older men. I´ve been addicted to them, I thought that they were the only way for me to get to know who I am, and the only way to find protection and care. When loosing one of these men, I felt so incredibly empty and unable to live and I had no hope towards future to become fine and liveable.
want to tell you, even if you can´t believe now, YOU are able to be happy!!! Your life can become whole again!!
when I was in that state, I thought about those, who told me something like what I´m telling you now,:
You don´t know anything about me and my life,about The overwhelming pain! how can you know that I am able going to become luckyly again?
I wanted to quit my live for about many years, but now I begin beeing glad I did not quit. It was a process, hard work,
but indeed I am going to be happy!!!
never believed in the possibility. And it feels so good.
Please don´t give up, Rouge198!!!

This made me cry. Your words have helped me tremendously while in this dark place.

[cyborg_hearted]

hold close to hope, it won´t let you down then!

Originally Posted by cyborg_hearted

hold close to hope, it won´t let you down then!

I'm working on it. So hard, he was my coach and guide. Sometimes I get up to go to the restroom at night and when I remember that he isn't apart of my life anymore I get sick and break down.

[cyborg_hearted]

I can imagine how this feels like, remember how it feels...
could maybe therapie be an option for you? Or are you still in therapy?
I needed proffessional support,..and I am glad I did therapy.
I know grieving is something nessessary ... but it will be over one day
and maybe after some time, maybe not yet, but one day you could think about moving into another apartment, starting a new life, your own life. I´m shure now at the time you´re struggling with pure pain and just try to get about the day... and maybe there´s no room or possibility to think about something like starting a new life now at the time, but it could be a perspective..(?)