[psyco123]

Hi all at PC,

may god bless u all,

i have a question that has been wandering in my mind for years....

i know my question is silly ...so far people are fed up or unable to explain me..

1. how will i know whether i love myself?
2. how does love feel like? whether we love others
3. my mom says that i dont love myself hence i have poor social adjustments and depression and behave weird.

i dont know what to do .. i do pray earnestly to god.. to reach the answer and to tune myself into a fine person.. but from childhood onwards i have been a person who belives people blindly and help them to the core.. but i have always been emotional and hurted . people use me and then behave unknown or strange.. so i have always felt that no one likes me...

if my message is silly then please ignore or else please if someone can give an answer...

love u all.

[ZilchHour]

Welcome to PC.
First of all, none of your questions are stupid. In fact, you are quite smart to raise these questions in the first place since most people spend their whole lives without facing these questions.
I will attempt to answer your questions but my responses would be mere perspectives. I don't think there are definite answers, but at least you will have different perspectives to ponder upon and figure these out yourself.
1. The answer lies in your actions and choices. If you do things (or at least try these) that makes you comfortable, brings you joy and earns you peace; then you love yourself. In my opinion, this is something natural and programmed in us to love ourselves. This love for ourselves dictates our choices (both good and bad) and we do the things which make us happy (at most) and survive (at least).
2. To me love is the spirit of life and thus shows in all our actions. The air you breath, the sunlight you receive, the water you drink - it is the love of nature for you; the things your parents and family do for you - it is their love for you; I think you feel loved when you receive without an obligation to return. And yes we love others (sometimes less and sometimes more - but we do love)!
3. I think here you should not focus on the words and rather see the intent behind these words. She wants you to be happy and sociable. Now people face different challenges when it comes to social interactions. For some people, it is quite a straight forward phenomenon and comes very naturally to them. Then there are others for whom such interactions are a challenge... With experiences (both good and bad) that you have had during your interactions, you should start using these and build your relations using your experiences. For example, I will not invest myself emotionally into a classmate who does not respect me (or others) and has nothing to offer in return. On the other hand, people who are nice and caring, I will devote my time and attention to them. Occasionally, there would be cases where people with apparently good intentions will harm you; that's where you experience from bad experiences will come in handy and with some skepticism and forethought, you'll manage.
In a summary, life is not easy and there is no formula or recipe for it. We all have to figure it out ourselves in the end. So try to hang in there, take small steps forward, be ready for set backs and be prepared for not giving up.
Good luck!

[psyco123]

thanks Zilch for ur patience and reply...

i had so many downs in my life. i am ample experience but still i forget to behave wisely at situtations. again after i have become the prey , i regret and start thinking that i could been more careful.. but this cycle goes on.

so far i dont know to makeout how are good to us and who wants to advantages of us.. i lack the wisdom to differentiate btw good and bad

[BLUEDOVE]

The FIRST thing you must do,is to STOP the 'pleasing' behavior.
I did that for years and got what you got,treated with disdain and
disrespect. The behavior comes from when you were a child and
tried to get love+affection by pleasing parents; then it is TRANSFERRED onto society at large as surrogates of parents.
Don't look for people to like you,instead,look for them to RESPECT you--the liking can come later. Burn the following into your brain: THERE CAN BE NO RELATIONSHIP (EVEN
IF ITS 2min. in store) without MUTUAL RESPECT! Start to be
a little more reserved. When out and about,see how many eye-
contacts you can get,this alone can raise esteem. Speaking of
which,get some titles on self-esteem by the recognized expert on
subject, Nathaniel Branden. I recommend "Honoring The Self",
and "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem". While you are at it,look for
some assertiveness titles too (this is ESSENTIAL). And please
accept the fact that there are some sh...ty people about,who will
walk all over you if you let them. Start by saying, "Sorry,that's
not acceptable to me." I know that may be too big a jump for you,so maybe you could get a book on assertiveness first.
Learning that skill will change your life,I promise you.
You deserve better.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[psyco123]

thanks bludove,

may god bless u

i have often noticed that sometimes i am too good and the very other second i get angry or depressed...

from childhood onwards i always had a feeling that people dont love me including my parents. i know well that it was just a thought created byme.. and all the mental variations are created by the negative thoughts processsed by me..

i have the insight about me but unable to change the thoughts.. thats y i still ran at the back of the people in search of love and atlast get used and hurted.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

These are good questions!

1. how will i know whether i love myself?
Are you comfortable being alone/like spending time with yourself? Do you engage in self destructive behaviors (e.g. binge eating, drugs/alcohol, inappropriate sexual relationships, cutting, etc)? What's your self talk like (e.g. mean, putting yourself down or positive/encouraging)? Maybe answering those questions for yourself will help you assess how much you do or don't love yourself.

2. how does love feel like? whether we love others
It feels good! and when you really love someone, more than anything you want them to be happy and to have good things in life, whether or not that includes you.

3. my mom says that i dont love myself hence i have poor social adjustments and depression and behave weird.
Depression is a clinical diagnosis made by a trained professional, with treatments available. If you are concerned that's true, you should see your regular doctor and talk to him/her about it. If needed, they'll refer you and if not, maybe that'll be reassuring. Social skills are just that, skills. Skills are learned. Yes, it comes more naturally to some people, but all people become more socially adept over time as they have more experiences. There are books available that teach people how to interact with others, some are general, like the classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, and some are specific (e.g. cross cultural). "Weird" is a subjective view. Take it with a grain of salt.

[psyco123]

thanks for the patience IWonder...

1. i have been into inappropriate relation in search of love. no cutting or binge eating etc...

2. eventhough i get attached to people easily.. slowly i get dependent.. instead of making them happy, i often get emotional and get angry and use rude words and slowly people go away from me... when i act so i am not conscious..

3 i am on anti-depressant - Venlor- 75 mg & lorizapam. some say i have mild borderline..doc say i have bipolar II. but i believe all the problem arises due to the negavtive thinking of being not loved or downward feeling of worthlessness.

i have insight of problems but unable to put effort.. something is pulling me back....I mean i am unable to make a conscious effort for the problems..

but thanks to this medicine..it keeps me blank without much depression.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Feeling worthless could cause you to sabotage relationships. Do you know how to make yourself feel better/worthy? One exercise would be to make a list of accomplishments and positive things others have told you about yourself, then read it sometimes. Do you exercise? Eat healthy? Care about your appearance? If not, I recommend it.

[psyco123]

thanks wonder

i eat healthy... no time for exercise..

so far i havent heard much about me good... only people say i am highly talented and soft cornered... and i havent reached the exact place with my immense skill...

i dont know what are those skills and how to recognise them..