I don't even know how to start this... I sit alone in the work bathroom crying my eyes out. Someone innocently mentioned crying children today. That... That got this hurtful ball rolling. I hate it when children cry, I said. It's triggering, I said... It's triggering. I never realized that before... All I knew was that the word "mummy" had me triggered seven ways from sunday... Crying children. I realized I can't handle crying children. The last times I heard a crying, screaming child I couldn't move. I sat rooted to the spot, fighting for breath, listening to my own cries, my own screams in my head, hearing my little alters cry and scream in response. I hear them now. We're crying... Children-a family- of my own is all I have ever wanted. Imagining a child of my own to raise better than I was raised was everything to me. They drove my every decision-eat healthy to set a good example, exercise to set a good example, read more to set a good example for when they come. Draw better so you can teach them to draw, too. Write happier stories to share with them. My love for kids- my desire to have a child of my own is what has me going through each day. The last time I crashed, they were my reason to get up, dust myself off, and live another day, and another and another... I can't have them. How can I? How can I when hearing a crying child, when seeing one in my head does this to me? It leaves me rooted to the spot, hyperventilating, fighting my own battles, hearing my own screams, seeing me as a child screaming, crying. No child deserves a mother that can't be there for them when they need comfort! No child. I know that. My mother couldn't comfort me when I needed it. It's not fair on my child... I can't have them. I shouldn't. Where does that leave me? My reason for going through each day has been snatched away. A child deserves a better parent than I would be. I can't handle myself when they cry. How can I handle them? How can I when the word "mummy" has me shaking like a leaf???
I'm so scared. I hurt sooo much. I don't have a reason to keep going. My only reason has slipped away. I can't say to myself I still want a family. Not after what I've just realised. I can't lie to myself to that extent... I can't.

I want to be numb again. I can't handle this feeling. I need my numbness back. Please. I want to be numb again. Please wall of numbness... Come back. Come back...I'm scared...I don't know what to live for.. I don't know...

[smartiesparty]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this right now. Realizing something is good, it makes you see everything clearly but I know how much pain it can bring.
I know that wanting numbness in that moment is everything you could wish for, but the insight you had can help you to 'heal' and comfort your inner, wounded hurt child.

I get very anxious and depressed when I hear children calling their dads, because my dad was never there for me and what I wanted was for him to be there for me. I also don't think I'll ever be a good mother, because I will be just like my dad.

From what you've written, you see yourself in these crying children and every crying child is a mirror of you and of the young child you were; it probably brings back very painful memories.

And once that your own inner child is healed and comforted and that it has distanced herself from the pain, you will be able to be the best mother ever and put all your love in them, without being scared !

My heart goes out to you. This is exactly how I feel, although I'm past child bearing age. Please please discuss this and work on it with a T. While you're still young enough to have a family. It's my biggest regret and I would hate for you to feel like I do. That it's too late. It never goes away either. I was in a supermarket and a little girl ran to her father, saying something in my mother tongue (very unusual, my first language isn't English and you don't hear it spoken much other than rarely in cities) and I burst into tears and left a shopping trolley full of stuff in the store. I'm only just working on this now in therapy but I know I'm too old to fix some of this, which adds to it all. Please work on it now. I know it's hard. Lots of love and empathy from England.

[psyco123]

hi,
Yezeena88

I would suggest you to face such situation in real so that u can overcome that fear and trigger....try to do volunteer work with small babies and kids.. Initially u will pass through crying and depression but very soon u will be able to pass through it with the passage of time.

take care..love

[littleowl2006]

I get a feeling that thinking "I should not have kids, even though I want them" causes quite a bit of despair and pain for you.
I am sure you can find a way to work through this and see what causes your fear. The past is over and can'tbe repeated. None of us has to be like our parents - we always have a choice to make good choices. Confronting a problem and trying to overcome an obstacle is a huge step. Be nice to yourself, I am sure it is going to be all good.