[blacklight]

I thought I posted this earlier from the tapatalk app, but I guess it didn't work.
ever since I was like 5 years old I began lying to my parents about how I felt and things I did. I hid my feelings all the time and I have no idea what caused me to do such a thing or where I got the idea for that at such a young age.
I'm still like this today.
I rarely share how I'm feeling with anyone, I keep my emotions and feelings to myself. I wish I didn't though. I know how bad it is for me and I know how much it's hurt me and my relationships with others by being this way.
now the thing is
I want to start talking about these things with someone
but i can't even think about my feelings without crying
that's how bad it is.
I have a couple options I've been considering
my (small) school (of 60 kids) just hired a a counselor. I've been thinking of going to him
or I have this guy I know I can talk to whenever and he will listen. he's a great guy and I feel comfortable talking to him.
but
I know I'll cry
and I don't want to
that's embarrassing and just like when I laugh, I can't stop I'll just keeping laughing lol. but if I cry, I worn stop crying either. I can't deal with that.
does anyone else have this problem? I don't know what to do..

[goku23]

honestly, it's not embarrassing. it actually shows that you have good character (i have the same laughing problem too lol)

i think when you reach out to someone, hopefully someone who is understanding and can help (like the counselor) i think you could be ok after that.

it sounds like you've had all this grief and hurt bottled up for so long that you just really need to let it out, i think talking to the school counsellor could really help.
just letting all that bottled up grief and pain out i think will really help in the long run and the counsellor will help you to deal with the problems.

also, having something you can take your emotion out on is extremely helpful.
like music, art or martial arts etc
helps you channel it into something constructive and is a great outlet.

[detfan4life]

Although it can seem embarrassing to cry when talking about your problems, it's a completely normal response and is a healthy part of processing your pain. Anticipating crying can cause you to really build this situation up in your mind, and continue to avoid situations that will help you to let out these emotions. Going to someone to trust is a great idea and I encourage you to try this when you can. Have you thought about writing things down before sharing them, or maybe in place of saying them out loud? You could write out an outline or a letter to share with a friend. That could be a way to start letting out what is hurting you without anticipating a breakdown so much at least at the beginning.

[avlady]

Deftan4life has a great idea to write it down first before and let the counselor read it then he can pick out what needs to be addressed and can understand without losing any of what you want to say left out if you talk instead. you can start a conversation with the counselor knowing more of what you want to say before the session. good luck

[Thunder Bow]

Crying can be healing, it can be part of the healing process. No need to be afraid of crying when talking to your counselor.

I'd say, of course you are scared to cry since you've been holding back the tears for so long.. And something did happen that made you start to bottle up your emotions, something that was very real to your five-year-old self even if you can't remember what that was..

All I can say is, it's not wrong to cry. I feel I'm probably not the right person to give advice as I have the exact same problem of not being able to/wanting to cry in front of others.. But I also have awareness and know that the reason I think it's embarrassing is because no one listened to me when I cried as a kid - I might even have been punished for crying, I can't remember. Whatever it was, I know the other people were wrong, and I was right. We're right to cry, it's just a reaction to certain things, and energy that needs to flow. It's just that we need people who are willing/able to listen, who won't break when we cry, to truly learn it's OK to cry. I completely understand your fear and feeling awkward about it - because at one point, it wasn't accepted I really feel for you!

Seeing the counsellor sounds like a fantastic idea to me! I can only speak for myself, but I've felt really safe talking to a therapist. It's their job, they've chosen to do it and are paid to listen! Any counsellor worth their salt won't laugh at you, punish you, nor hurt you in any way for crying, or for showing any emotion for that matter.. You might even start by telling him you're afraid you'll start crying and that you feel it'd be embarrassing! I'm sure he'll tell you it's OK, it's normal, he won't mind.. And you can go on from there.

You know, I actually had a friend whose father was an alcoholic, and she kept most of her emotions about it to herself until she started seeing a counsellor as a teenager. She told me that on her first visit, all she could say was, 'I feel so bad' before she broke into tears. And then they went on from there. It was OK

The best of luck to you! It'll be alright!

[thecrankyone]

When I was younger I kept a diary and used to write it in letter format (in my case to a fictional person). It was a great way to talk about things and get them straight in my head, when I wasn't able to tell anyone what I was thinking.