[Aviza]

Well I signed up for therapy starting Thursday. I also put myself on the list for an appointment with my former psychiatric clinic, 5 month wait list. I want to fall apart, and crumble up and die, but really that doesn't do any good. Basically I'm a walking emotional stone these days. I feel it, but showing it is blocked. Because if I release it I will never regain it, is how I'm feeling. I cannot believe with the parents I had, the opportunities granted to me throughout my life, that I am where I am, and I am who I am.

Disappointing is a understatement. I really don't see how I can possible improve or remedy things to a point of acceptance to myself for one. I mean lowering the bar has to happen, because success for me now would be nothing like what I envisioned as a teen. I have failed in life, both physically and spiritually. Now I can only strive to show my daughter that even if or when you fail you have to get up and keep on trying, formulate a new plan, but no matter what stick it out. That's all I can offer, the show of perseverance.

I really wish I understand why I was sent here. Why God wants me on this planet, all I have done is cause chaos, heartache, and pain to those who were closest to me. I quit when I should have tried, I tried when I should have quit, I just do everything that I could possibly do wrong. How to fix something like that?

[detfan4life]

You are taking a big brave step into figuring out what's going on by going to therapy. Therapy, for me, has been the most valuable part of my recovery. IT's helped me understand why I was sent here and why my life seems like such chaos...I hope it's the same for you. I know that you can move past this arena and learn what you've contributed, what you can offer, how you got where you are, and how you can use your emotions to get away from being an emotional stone.

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by Aviza

I really wish I understand why I was sent here. Why God wants me on this planet, all I have done is cause chaos, heartache, and pain to those who were closest to me. I quit when I should have tried, I tried when I should have quit, I just do everything that I could possibly do wrong. How to fix something like that?

Aviza - I know exactly how you feel. I could have said these exact same words. Just screwed everything up. I know things could be a lot worse and all that but that doesn't help how I feel now. Therapy can help. But from experience their just going to try and get you to learn how to live in the moment. You have to find the strength to go forward , regardless of the past. That's what's so hard for me to do. Taking that first step , however small , is a victory , even if your the only one who knows it.
Good luck.

I also could have written that. But I don't see you as that person. It's odd how differently others can see us. And unfortunately how little it matters to the way we view ourselves.
Hope you feel better soon and get it all sorted out.