[JumpMaster123]

I used to tell myself that all I want is to have good friends and family. That I would offer friendship and charity to anybody in need. And that above all the most important thing in life is to do what's right, and be a good person.

But my emotions drive me to insane thoughts, when I listen to music and think about the things that interest me they don't seem to represent good things.

People don't look at me the same I look at myself and I don't see things the same way that most people do. I say what I logically think is benign and peaceful, and friendly, yet I feel like I have just alienated myself from the person entirely and emotionally.

I have never had good friends except for a person I confided in recently while I was in the midst of going insane. And his friends accepted me as well.

At this point I have gone through a madness the likes of which I hope nobody else will ever experience, and in the process I basically have forsaken every law that I have ever lived by mentally and emotionally... Just because I wanted to find out what people want me to do.

When I listen to the music that ignites my passion, it is a relief from every other thing which kills me emotionally. But listening to it brings thoughts of strange beings, war, destruction, unfathomable monsters even.

Now I cannot feel without my emotion being tied consciously to an insane thought... Everything that causes happiness and everything that causes sadness, I feel that an image comes to my head, that the emotion must mean something. And I tie all of my feelings to the music...everything else in life is disappointing to me now.

If i were to stop listening to music, the only thing that would bring me joy is to walk outside and enjoy the fresh air. People alienate me and life is harsh... I don't know if there is a cure for what I am having but to be honest I just want to be able to think and feel emotion, and live like a normal human being again. Let alone being accepted and having friends. I would be content to sit down and write an essay like I used to, without thoughts of subconscious meaning and strange creatures and dreams and underlying thoughts and meanings and strange things that all tie in and such.

Strong feelings...are too much now.
Emotion is the thing that causes me insanity now...
Without my emotion and my subconscious I feel like I can't think except in absolutes...

In other words, how does one learn to think and feel normally? Any advice pls let me know. If you want I can explain my problem further but it's a doozy so I try to keep it shorter than it is (infinitely long)

[lowinmood]

without thoughts of subconscious meaning and strange creatures and dreams and underlying thoughts and meanings and strange things that all tie in and such.

did you go psychotic by any chance? it's just what you wrote above made me think this?

and often in psychosis everything we see and hear we attach a meaning to it, it's so difficult to relax, it's so intense, but within time, it will ease off and you'll be able to just listen to music and do things and get enjoyment out of it without attaching meaning to it.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Hi Jumpmaster.
I'm sorry to hear you have been going through a rough time. Although, I do not know the specs of your concerns.... just want to let you know that you are Def not alone. I believe many of us, me for certain, have driven ourselves to madness in some way or another over feeling " why can't I just be normal??!!" First off, it's good that you have music to soothe you. Distractions are great coping skills for when things get overwhelming. As for your question... Can / how do you learn....? There are many types of therapies, support groups, and self help books that with a true desire to change and hard work you can become more like the person you would like to be. Remember tho, the only things we can actually change are our behaviors and perspectives... everything else just take as it comes. Feelings are just feelings. They may seem to control you but just because they come around doesn't mean you have to entertain every single one with a 5 course meal! I'd if that made any sense.... but be kind to yourself. And maybe try to first love what makes you different instead of condemning it.... then seek out help to change the thoughts and behaviors that you find hurtful to yourself and others.. hope I helped some atleast... all I have to offer is my perspective...it is but one of billions. Goodluck!

[JumpMaster123]

Thanks, and sorry for replying so late. My problem at the root is that I have never been able to make friends and I don't know what's wrong with me... I don't really understand other people. And it's clear now that listening to music is definitely detrimental to me. Much better quality of life when I DO NOT listen to music. It's strange I know, but the difference is undeniable...I guess it just has a negative affect on my brain psychology... It makes me happy but like an addiction I feel like **** the rest of the day afterwards, it just drains me of energy... and yes, I have been diagnosed with psychosis. I'm convinced that everybody must look at me differently than they look at everyone else. That and other, more severe symptoms, which I do not care to discuss except with maybe a psychologist... thank you for the support though. I hope I can recover over time...