Shame, fear, paranoia??

Forgive me if this is the wrong place or whatever, but I haven't been here in a long time and I'm not very good at organizing my thoughts... Right now I think I'm feeling shame, fear and possibly paranoia...? I don't know if that last one counts as an emotion and I'm guessing that it doesn't. I recently began attempting to make a symptoms list of my more problematic behaviours, but even looking back over it to see what I've already added makes me want to burn it and pretend like nothing ever happened. So far it's intended for my eyes only, but even my acknowledgement seems like it's just too much... I'm already enough of a freak as it is, I don't even want to know about it and no one else needs to. But all I can think about is what someone (Especially shrinks) would think of me if they saw it... Being chased with pitchforks, treated like a leper, locked away or doped off my face on meds are less than ideal situations. Ugh, my both my brain is a mess right now... I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this.

If making the list is only making you feel worse, then don't make the list.

When is it ever that simple?

Hello thecolourquestion: I'm an older person now. I lived for decades denying what I knew was going on inside of me. I was too self-conscious & embarrassed to seek help. And in fact, when I was young, there was precious little help available. But these sorts of things have a way of catching with a person over time. And it did me. After stumbling along in life until it was more than half over, I finally began to unravel whether I wanted to or not. I've been slowly unravelling ever since. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will find the strength to learn to accept your demons... with compassion.

I think that putting it i writing just makes it more real. I mean, before you made your list you were aware of these behaviors. Now they are staring you i the face and you're overwhelmed. Maybe now, though, that you've identified some things you will be better prepared to deal with them?