[tinyvessels]

My inquiry involves dealing with an exorbitance of self-directed emotional negativity. I can't classify all of the resulting actions as self injury so I didn't post there, but I would consider these actions as self sabotage. I am feeling a lot of complex emotions right now which has resulted in an ebbing and flowing in my depressive mood as well as symptoms.

Currently I want to expose myself to all sorts of physical behaviors that are both outside of my character and not good for me. The most perplexing are the following:

Possible trigger:

-Cutting (I have a history of superficially cutting, but haven't done so in 10+ years.)

-Smoking cigarettes (I have never been a smoker, but every time I pass a gas station I almost stop to buy a pack.)

I am also struggling with sleeping, eating, and alcohol consumption patterns. Further, I am not doing well with timeliness or work goals. I recognize that I need to develop self-esteem but is there anything anyone else can suggest? I am seeing a therapist but it seems my condition is escalating.

Thank you in advance.

[shezbut]

Did something triggering happen to you recently? Or, is part of you wanting to get over the negative behavior, while your "normal" self wants to continue with the way things are = damaging yourself in some way/s?

It is SO hard. I know.

Perhaps keeping a journal, in which you write about these deep, dark feelings and tendencies could help you resolve them & at least slow them down a bit. Sharing what you've written could help your T immensely, to see exactly how you're feeling & things that you're thinking as well. It would provide terrific insight! That would just have to help!

Gentle hugs sent your way.

[Thunder Bow]

Seeing a therapist can cause a condition to intensify for a while. That shows you are making progress. Stay with it.

[Teddy Bear]

Start a project for yourself or others. Finishing it will be a great encouragement to you.

[tinyvessels]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Did something triggering happen to you recently? Or, is part of you wanting to get over the negative behavior, while your "normal" self wants to continue with the way things are = damaging yourself in some way/s?

Thank you shezbut. I don't have any triggers per say at this time, but I am going through a rough time in my relationship and I'm having trouble knowing what to do or acting when I feel like I should. I think I identify more with your second question because I do want to get better personally (this is the reason I started seeing a T) but I'm continuing my self-destructive patterns. The weird part is that other behaviors that I don't normally have are starting to surface, as I described in the original post. I have been keeping a journal, more gratitude based, but I will try to write when I feel self-destructive. Thank you for that suggestion.

I shared the self-harm desire with my T and it seemed to help her understand my level of emotional turmoil. Like many others with depression, I tend to lack expression or detail when we talk about my current state.

Thank your for your responses as well Thunder Bow and Teddy Bear.