[caram1001]

Hi everyone, hope you are all well.
I really really need some words of advice/encouragement. I know what I'm about to say is really stupid but it's really getting me down. First of all, when I got married, my husband lied to me about previous partners, said he was a virgin when he wasn't. I think it was more the lie more than anything that hurt me, because it was a little into the marriage when I found out. I'm still not over it. I am happy with him and we have an 18 month old boy, it's just this lie I'm having trouble forgetting/accepting.
Anyway, since then I've got into a silly habit of looking at the girl's facebook (she's married aswell) and I've just seen that she is about to have a baby and it's horrible of me but it's just made me feel sad again. Because of the lie, I've just developed strong feelings of dislike towards her even though I don't know her...stupid right? Maybe because I'm having a crappy time with the inlaws and have been from the start that I feel resentment and envy of her. Sometimes I think if she did stay with my husband she could have dealt with all the crap from the inlaws and had a restrictive life like I do. I don't see friends much because it's hard to do anything I want with the inlaws so I don't see anyone much. I guess I compare myself to her and she seems to have her own life which she enjoys whereas I'm just stuck here living with my inlaws and looking after my son. I think it feels like I don't want her to have anything that makes her happy. Honestly I do realise that there isn't any logic in my thinking but that is what I'm feeling. I know I also need to stop looking up her life on Facebook because it's just getting me down. Has anyone else been like this? I just wish I could find it in myself to be confident, happy and accept his lie. I feel stupid for feeling like this, but I can't help it.

[lowinmood]

most people will have had partners with other people before they settle down and get married, this is perfectly normal.

on most relationships they don't work out for whatever reason, and it's only one special person that we would actually settle down with, get married to, and have children with.

If this girl is so special, why didn't he marry her? He didn't, and he didn't even think she was even worth mentioning when he met you, he lied to you yes, but she wasn't important enough in his mind to mention that he had something with her.

I've been in relationships where my partner has talked constantly about their ex's, as if they haven't got other them yet, this happens when someone is still in their mind. If they don't mention their ex's it makes me think that they are no longer in their minds anymore which is a good thing I think.

I guess you have to remind yourself that he isn't with her, he chose you, and he chose you for a reason.

Thinking of you

[JustJenny]

Hi there,

How long have you been feeling this way?

My husband told me about his previous girl friend just few weeks after we started dating (we were not married then obviously). It took me months, if not a full year, to get over the thought that he was intimate with somebody else. Even the fact that they never had actual sex didn't fix my feelings. I would talk to him about it and he would say "I wouldn't have dated her if I knew that I will find you" and "it is you I am about to marry". No lying was involved here and I was still mad at him. Yes, mad at him for doing something long before we met.

Having this said, I really feel for you. It's a nasty feeling that keeps nagging. Give it some time, it will go away.

Why did he lie about it in the first place? Maybe he knew what your reaction would be and he tried to protect your feelings?

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by caram1001

Hi everyone, hope you are all well.
I really really need some words of advice/encouragement. I know what I'm about to say is really stupid but it's really getting me down. First of all, when I got married, my husband lied to me about previous partners, said he was a virgin when he wasn't. I think it was more the lie more than anything that hurt me, because it was a little into the marriage when I found out. I'm still not over it. I am happy with him and we have an 18 month old boy, it's just this lie I'm having trouble forgetting/accepting.
Anyway, since then I've got into a silly habit of looking at the girl's facebook (she's married aswell) and I've just seen that she is about to have a baby and it's horrible of me but it's just made me feel sad again. Because of the lie, I've just developed strong feelings of dislike towards her even though I don't know her...stupid right? Maybe because I'm having a crappy time with the inlaws and have been from the start that I feel resentment and envy of her. Sometimes I think if she did stay with my husband she could have dealt with all the crap from the inlaws and had a restrictive life like I do. I don't see friends much because it's hard to do anything I want with the inlaws so I don't see anyone much. I guess I compare myself to her and she seems to have her own life which she enjoys whereas I'm just stuck here living with my inlaws and looking after my son. I think it feels like I don't want her to have anything that makes her happy. Honestly I do realise that there isn't any logic in my thinking but that is what I'm feeling. I know I also need to stop looking up her life on Facebook because it's just getting me down. Has anyone else been like this? I just wish I could find it in myself to be confident, happy and accept his lie. I feel stupid for feeling like this, but I can't help it.

I don't think that it's about the other girl. I think you are unhappy and you want out of this situation. You're living in a restrictive environment, you don't get to see your friends, it's completely normal to feel envious of those who are able to do what they want to do. You're an adult so you should be able to go where you want and do what you want too, so long as you're not neglecting your child. It is not good that he lied to you, but my guess is that if it were not this particular girl it would be directed at someone else on facebook who has a life more in line with the kind of life you would like to be living. Your in-laws don't have the right to tell you where you can go and who you can see, even if you are living in their house. Isolating someone from family and friends can be a sign of abuse. Think about what you would like for your life to be, and make plans on how to get there! Envying other people won't change your situation so it won't make you feel any better, but making changes so your life is more like your ideal life WILL make you feel better.

[green0cake]

It's really hard to be lied by someone you loved the most but I think you need to let go of that. Forget it. I'm thinking your husband lied to you because you may not want to marry him if he told you he wasn't virgin anymore. Make sense? Besides, that lie didn't bring you any good. It just brought you anxiety and paranoia. And it just seems you are not secure of his love for you. Everyone has a past. You need to accept that. You need to move on.

If you can't let go, then talk to your husband. Tell him everything you feel at this moment. I hope he would understand. For better or for worse, right?