[pompeii]

i have felt vary suicidal on and off for the last 8 years, never told anyone or gotten any help, last night was one of my worst.
i'm 20 now and am planing on heading into the military in the next few years,i have always been homeschooled and feel vary dumb, i work full time in the familiy business ( for free) i have a black belt at a local martial arts school and volunteer 4 nights a week( about 20 hours a week) i volunteer on weekends at the local animal shelter, i have always thought a life in the service of others is the only way to go but i'm beginning to question myself. i have been in so much physical and mental pain over my childhood it often feels like too much.i have molested in the worst way and i was realy little, my beat me all the time and told me things like he wished i was never born, i worked on the familiy farm full since i was 7,my parents got divorced when i was 12 and i haven't seen my dad since. my mother is so bitter about life, always drinking and getting angry with innocent people, Yelling at me for hours at night.i'm a good kid, never drank did drugs or hung out with any of the wrong people.my father is sueing my mother for 60 thousand dollars and we're losing everything with lawer bills, maybe even the familiy business.i don't feel any happiniess, the more i do for others the more i feel like life doesn't have time for me and i should end it, i'll never function normal and i will always be suffering. i don't want to hurt anyone any more but i'm getting sick of being selfless and living for others when i just want to end it all. for myself

It's time for you to take care of you!

The military is the last place you need to be right now!

Put that on hold & get yourself a good therapist instead!

You've already got enough family of origin trauma to work through, and a good place to start with all that is to have as little contact with them as possible as you focus on yourself for a change.

As far as suicide goes, I so used to hate it when I was told it was a permanent solution to temporary problems, but it's true! ... I hope that you do not opt to go that route because if you do, there will be a hole in this Universe where you're supposed to be and that, my friend, will be a very sad thing!

Your therapist will help you find the autonomy and independence you so deserve and need, but it's going to take determination and dedication to the recovery process on your part, and will be the hardest battle you'll ever fight, but well worth it!

Wishing you the best ...

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[fantasyland]

Pfrog is right..... now is the time to take care of you. Time to forget all that have put you down, or made you cry or hurt you in anyway. You are an adult and time to move on and get your life under control First of all you have to learn to stop believing everything everyone says. You need to get away from the negative and practice being positive towards yourself.... and dont believe anyone else ONLY YOU! Once you start believing in yourself and changing your thought patterns about who you are... you will get more confidence. Once you start leaving the negative people behind you... the positive will follow. Do not stoop down to the negative level. You are important. You are great. Believe in yourself and stop listening to others. Others are negative because they hate themselves....They do not have the capacity to understand their own feelings... but you can learn
I dont have much advice to give... except dont give up on yourself. I was in the same boat as you and what i took away from it was.. they only one to change it... was me. I changed my thoughts... and started to be positive... after awhile... what others thought didnt matter anymore. If they want to be negative... let them... its just going to bring them down... but dont let it bring you with it! Big hugs.... Things do get better

[avlady]

Pfrog and fantasyland said it all. listen to your own heart and gut, follow your own dreams and way, you are the only one who can do it. it may take alot of redirection mentally, but you can do it, you have to. don't let anyone tell you elsewise, you are you and you should be allowed to do as you please. good luck

[Thunder Bow]

Can you move out and work for someone else? The Military might be the 1st step, if you are so inclined. The Air Force and Navy are more technical, the Army and Mairens are more physical and has a higher risk for combat. Do research before you jump. You got a good personal resume' I think you will be able to get a job away from home. You need to unplug from family process.

[IrisBloom]

The good news is now that you are an adult you can start to heal. My opinion is that joining the military would be good in general, but maybe you could have a psych evaluation first?

You seem to be a good person trying to do the right things. Please don't lose that. BUT taking care of yourself is very important. You can't do the things for others if you lose yourself. Today is the first day of your future. Start planning, set goals and definitely get help if you need to.

[eskielover]

You know how when you fly they explain that you have to use the oxygen mask on yourself before using it on others? If you haven't taken care of yourself you will be in no condition to help others. It works that way in every day life also. You need to get yourself help before you can even define the future direction of your life

[madera23]

Originally Posted by pompeii

i have felt vary suicidal on and off for the last 8 years, never told anyone or gotten any help, last night was one of my worst.
i'm 20 now and am planing on heading into the military in the next few years,i have always been homeschooled and feel vary dumb, i work full time in the familiy business ( for free) i have a black belt at a local martial arts school and volunteer 4 nights a week( about 20 hours a week) i volunteer on weekends at the local animal shelter, i have always thought a life in the service of others is the only way to go but i'm beginning to question myself. i have been in so much physical and mental pain over my childhood it often feels like too much.i have molested in the worst way and i was realy little, my beat me all the time and told me things like he wished i was never born, i worked on the
familiy farm full since i was 7,my parents got divorced when i was 12
and i haven't seen my dad since. my mother is so bitter about life,
always drinking and getting angry with innocent people, Yelling at me
for hours at night.i'm a good kid, never drank did drugs or hung out
with any of the wrong people.my father is sueing my mother for 60
thousand dollars and we're losing everything with lawer bills, maybe
even the familiy business.i don't feel any happiniess, the more i do for
others the more i feel like life doesn't have time for me and i should
end it, i'll never function normal and i will always be suffering. i don't
want to hurt anyone any more but i'm getting sick of being selfless and
living for others when i just want to end it all. for myself

life is not to serve others, but, to find your true identity that was stolen as a child.
Anger and resentmentment is what is ruining your lifr. Being
angry at parents is what makes you want to serve them becsuse of guilt.
Stop trying to serve anyone but yourself in order to change for anyone but yourself.
once you have your self confidence back you wont have the need to serve yourself.
I hope you understand what I am saying.
louise