[arbbarb]

I am trying to understand responses that my partner gives when we talk about separating. We have been together for years, during which little to no effort was made to communicate. Truthfully I feel uncomfortable, sad, and like I don't even know myself let alone him at this point.

Anyway, when I finally get the courage to start a conversation about us and how I feel he generally has two reactions. "What am I going to tell my family/friends?" and "Do you want me to leave?". I usually interpret the latter as in right now, and I respond with "No, where will you go?", as we live in a house together and these talks happen late at night.

He has also responded from the angle of "What's wrong with me? Are you attracted to me?" as well as "I'm not a robot. I thought you understood me." The understanding refers to how he comes off as emotionally neglectful.

Sorry if there is not enough backstory here, but I do appreciate any responses that you may have. I'm especially curious about his first reaction being about disseminating information rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Thank you in advance.

[CopperStar]

Has he ever been screened for Asperger's Syndrome?

[arbbarb]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Has he ever been screened for Asperger's Syndrome?

Thank you for bringing this up, CopperStar. He has not been screened. However, his older brother who is very similar has educated himself about Asperger's and really identifies with it.

[Thunder Bow]

Go a few steps further and tell him what you want from him in life, with out making any accusations. Also you are giving him a conflicting message, of saying stay - go to him. Be sure to answer his questions honestly. Also so tell him you are feeling sad: "Truthfully I feel uncomfortable, sad, and like I don't even know myself let alone him at this point." say this to him truthfully. What you may be feeling may have nothing to do with him, but has much to do with how you are feeling inside yourself.

[arbbarb]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Go a few steps further and tell him what you want from him in life, with out making any accusations. Also you are giving him a conflicting message, of saying stay - go to him. Be sure to answer his questions honestly. Also so tell him you are feeling sad: "Truthfully I feel uncomfortable, sad, and like I don't even know myself let alone him at this point." say this to him truthfully. What you may be feeling may have nothing to do with him, but has much to do with how you are feeling inside yourself.

Thank you Thunder Bow. I have tried to communicate my wants/needs as far as I know, but those are things I am working on identifying myself. So in the absence of knowing, I am only able to explain to him how I feel. I make sure to be clear that what I am feeling is internal, but I emphasize that support from him may help. We talk about types of support and he says he will try to be more aware of these things and that he wants to act on them. When nothing changes, I eventually again initiate conversation... I ask if I can change things about me. He says no or brings up actions I can't genuinely carry out without feeling intimacy/emotion from him. I ask if he feels loved. He says yes. Separation comes up in these more recent conversations.

We really have trouble understanding one another (probably due to lack of communication from day 1). Before discussing what could be done to help me feel less alone, his knee jerk reactions were to tell me how doesn't understand why I am so sad after having a "good childhood," and ask why I victimize myself. I guess these are more examples of his emotional reactions which are challenging for me to follow.

[Thunder Bow]

Most changes you will have to bring about yourself. You can not expect him or someone else do it for you. He may not be able to give you the kind of support you think you need. Some kinds of support can only come from within. Thus keep your expectations low. Try not to re-enforce negative feelings in yourself as well. Remember he may have his own emotional limitations.

[eskielover]

I stayed married to a guy like that for 33 years. Nice person but totally emotionally not there. He would do things he knew were the right thing to do but there was NEVER any emotional connection. I left & bought a farm 2100 miles away. I was giving him one last chance....driving that distance together in my truck...his comment was "I thought you would tolerate me for the rest of our lives since you tolerated me this long".

The nightmares he put me through because of his inability to behave responsibly especially when it came to finances & when my depression was bad & I needed him to be responsible but he couldn't. I honestly thought he was being emotionally abusive until I read & studied about adult Asperger's. Wow was that enlightening. It explained EVERYTHING I had ever experienced with him. Understanding helped me release the hate I had built up & able to forgive in my heart. It didn't make me want to go back & deal with it ant longer but understanding what I went through with him.... & it described my father perfectly....no wonder why my mother liked my H so much & I didn't. I had promised myself I would NEVER marry anyone like my father....I thought because he was educated that he couldn't be anything like my father....wow was I wrong....but Asperger's described both their personalities .& behavior perfectly.

Tony Attwoods complete guide to Asperger's is a wonderful book for information to either confirm the possibility or not