[Aina]

I feel like I need to confess, I need to get this out of my mind before it turns me completely mad. I feel like I can't do it anymore, like I can't go on to a point...

I am a postgraduate student, I am not the best one in the course, but still assuming how little work I am actually able to do, I am doing all fine in the university. I didn't want to be a burden for my mother so I found a part time job and I try to make my own money. I do have my few friends I meet from time to time and get along very well with classmates too. And...
I feel so freaking unhappy, sad, destroyed, depressed, melancholic, that I feel like the life is totally meaningless for me.

My whole life I've been preoccupied with the idea of being an artist. I've been appreciated for my talents ever since I was a little child and invested a great deal of time to planning my future as an independent creative being. it's been a long time since I lost my motivation for creating. I can't see a reason as why should I do anything at all... I try to do what is absolutely necessary for my survival and happiness of those around me, but doing anything more than that is just absolutely draining.
I am pathetically lazy, I basically don't do anything at all until there's some serious thread in front of me. I feel like I am absolutely wasting my life, my time and my talent for being none and doing nothing... But I can't seem to motivate myself, I can't get up and just do stuff... I feel absolutely burnt out, worthless and pathetic.Nothing makes me really happy and everything seems empty and meaningless. People to me seem stupid and boring, my job is killing my individuality and idealism, this whole world is killing my individuality and I can't stand it anymore.
I feel like I can't be my real self and I can't find my real self either. Everything is pushing on me with obligations and stupidity that I hate.

I am extremely self centered and egoistic. I feel like I am not worth of anything anymore and I can't step out of my own shadow.

I do go to a therapy , but I feel pathetic sitting there and talking about how everything in my life seems to be just fine... I mean there are people out there with real troubles and real problems and I am just lazy and unmotivated.

I don't know what to do anymore... I feel like I am wasting everything I have and won't ever be able to be more of a person than I am now. I try hard, but I fail every time, there's nothing that would keep me going, that would motivate me to do anything.
All the time I hear from people "just don't waste your talent" ... well thank you, tell me how. 'Cause I have no idea and I just wish this would end somehow...
I really do hate myself, the person I've become and the more I hate on myself the less I am able to change and the worse I am becoming. I feel like falling down the pit of my own personality discovering corners that are further and further from any light. I can't change... I can't become better even though I try every day.

I sometimes think I like to just sit here and pity myself and think of myself as the misunderstood artist... Sometimes it's warm and comforting, but at the end of the day...it doesn't bring anything, I just stagnant and stagnant and became a piece of s**t . I feel like I should just be drunk or drugged 24/7 to be able to even stand my own self and because most of the time I feel like I just deserve a good punch and kick.
I feel chronically bored and worn out.

I just really don't know how to change this anymore. I'd take any advice, or words of clarity as to what is wrong and how to solve it.

[Thunder Bow]

I think you would feel chronically bored and worn out, going by the amount of energy you put into putting yourself down all the time. Those sour feelings are like an old friend to you. They are hard to say goodbye to. Time to jump up and be proud of yourself, and put your energy into expressing yourself through your art.

[2B/-2B]

Hello Aina.

Sound like you are going through an 'existential crisis', or a 'spiritual crisis'.

Have you considered doing art therapy?
I am an artist too, and have done art therapy to an extent unknowingly in my earlier life history. Then while studying psychology for three years I learnt about art therapy, bought some books about it, and started applying it more seriously. It has (is) helping me a great deal, especially finding one's truth.

I too have motivational trouble when it comes to doing art. Art therapy has been my motivation in most of my artworks.

There are a few threads about it on this forum. Maybe they will give you an idea of what and how to help yourself out of your crisis.

[DechanDawa]

I don't know what steps you need to take in your life. It sounds like you are frustrated with both yourself, and your environment. Perhaps you could talk to your therapist about doing some solution-oriented goal setting. All the things you discussed about yourself seem due to not being happy with how your life is going rather than character defects. That said, self castigation isn't really helping you. I would talk to your therapist about using some CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) tools to correct faulty thinking. For instance, in CBT feelings are not facts. You can feel all is hopeless, but is that really fact? You can challenge your own thinking. That you are in advanced school, keeping up, working a job, and have friends means you are, in fact, building a foundation for the future you. You might be able to exercise your creativity by volunteering. At one of my lowest life points I started an origami club for preteens at my child's school. My motivation increased as I saw how enjoyable it was for the "club members" and we ended up selling our origami and donating the money to local charities. I know that was a tough time in my life, but looking back all I really remember is the origami club I started. Take heart. Create memories. You are still young, and life can hand you many surprise twists and turns, so you have to stay alert. Best of everything to you in your journey.

[Aina]

Originally Posted by 2B/-2B

Hello Aina.

Sound like you are going through an 'existential crisis', or a 'spiritual crisis'.

Have you considered doing art therapy?
I am an artist too, and have done art therapy to an extent unknowingly in my earlier life history. Then while studying psychology for three years I learnt about art therapy, bought some books about it, and started applying it more seriously. It has (is) helping me a great deal, especially finding one's truth.

I too have motivational trouble when it comes to doing art. Art therapy has been my motivation in most of my artworks.

There are a few threads about it on this forum. Maybe they will give you an idea of what and how to help yourself out of your crisis.

Thanks this is actually a good idea!