Me Emotions Are Out of Control

Yesterday was a truly pivotal point for me. Being sick, under constant stress, being on an emotional roller coaster for...well, most of my life. Swinging through depression and mania coupled with the constant instability of being borderline. My unexplained sudden health problems which might mean I'm epileptic or have a brain tumor (still waiting to hear back from the neurologist). I almost collapsed a couple of times at work yesterday from dizzy spells. That's how it starts. Next thing I know I'm disoriented, sitting down and twitching. Then it progresses to mild shaking. Over time to violent shaking. Then it stops and goes back to dizzy spells. Its definitely a cycle.

Monday I had a melt down at an MRI clinic. That night I came down with a viral infection. Missed work the next day, even though I couldn't afford to because I can barely pay bills and buy what I need or want. Wednesday I got maybe four hours of sleep due to being sick, disturbed rest all night and I woke up at 4:30 unable to sleep. After spending three hours trying to fall back asleep I exploded on my cat, screaming and slammed the door. Next thing I know I'm crying and planning out suicide.

At that point I realized. Wow. My life and emotions are seriously out of control. And I really need to do something or else I'm going to end up a suicide statistic. I saw my new therapist that morning, and we talked about EMDR therapy, my PTSD contributing a hell of a lot to my instability too. He's going to help me manage my emotions better. But really, I wouldn't be here if not for a couple of really close friends, my supervisor who is a role model to me, and of course, my cat. God. I am SO glad I am not a parent because clearly I'm not healthy enough to be one. Cats, thankfully, are not so easily traumatized. I was very apologetic and loving to her afterward and she seemed to forgive me. She cuddled with me this morning, but all I can think is, "Thank you for not being a human child." My mother had that explosive kind of screaming anger and it traumatized me as a kid. But generally, I love my cat as if I gave birth to her. She is my baby. I feel horrible for blowing up at her when she didn't do anything wrong.

So I'm really ready to work on all this. Right now most of my life feels totally out of my control, but what I can work on managing is my emotions and how to react to things, especially stressors and triggers. And I get triggered very, very easily and quickly. My life is excessively stressful and I simply can't catch a break. Ever. I really need a week off, without a million appointments, running around and work. Some place at least an hour away from home where I can really relax and focus on things. Sadly, this can't happen. So I need other options. If anyone has some ideas, I'd appreciate you throwing them my way.

I really don't want my psychological issues to do me in. I'd like to have a happy healthy life. I'm tired of living in hell. And on that note, I live an excerpt from some lyrics here:

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.

By Rodney Atkins

Hello TryingToMoveForward: Thank you for sharing your struggle. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that your sudden health problems will prove to be not serious.

I can certainly relate to what you wrote about blowing up at your kitty. I have a long history of doing similar things, unfortunately to my poor spouse as well as to the various dogs we have had over the years. Every time I do it, I berate myself afterward & swear I'll never to it again. But time passes, something happens, & I do it again.

It has been said that enlightenment is a journey... not a destination. And I was thinking this morning about how, hopefully, what is important is not so much that a person succeeds at becoming better but rather that they develop an awareness of the ways in which they fall short & keep striving to improve. At least I hope that is the case because that is about as much as I suspect I am capable of...

I berate myself too. In fact my explosive anger at others turns immediately internal, and because a self-destructive force. I am always suicidal after explosive anger.

In May, after blowing up at my mom and telling her how she abused me and how it all affected my life. She just blew me off and acted like I was a pest. I went back to my room and grappled with suicidal until the wee hours of the morning. I wrote a note, started texting my closest friend a good bye text, but in the end decided not to go through with the plan. Then I was despondent most of the day. I didn't get up to eat, drink, use the bathroom or anything. I just laid there under a layer of blankets in the heat and stared at the wall. Not moving or responding to anything. I had literally just given up.

My mom came and to talk to me. She said, "Are you getting out of bed." And I just shook my head. Then she told me how she resented me and would never forgive me for chasing my sister away. I just nodded. I mean...when you're utterly broken and you've given up on life, and someone is saying they won't forgive its just like...wow. It doesn't even hurt anymore. She left and came back and told me she might have treated me differently. That actually got my attention. But I've lived with intense guilt since then, because my illnesses seem to destroy my family. According to my mom. That's kind of tough to live with, you know?

But in fairness I'm never going to forgive her either. So I guess we're pretty even.

Anyway...there's no chance in hell I will ever be 100% better. I mean, I'm looking for a realistic goal because these disorders don't go away. You have them for life. If I can just reach a place where I am happy, or at least at peace, I will stamp "Enlightenment" on that.