[Rabbit1256]

Many actions and behaviors we display certainly stem from fear. Has someone close to you ever exhibited behavior that is hurtful to you? My boyfriend seems to do this to me sometimes. It makes me fearful of him when I attempt to express my feelings or thoughts regarding our relationship. I tend not to even begin the conversation if he asks, “What’s wrong?” dismissing his concern to avoid any negative consequences if I don’t respond with, “Nothing Honey.” I have learned (or been programmed) that I have to be very careful not to challenge him when I need to talk. Quite often, his natural response is to raise his voice to a level that would not be acceptable to anyone in any situation, and if things go far enough, he will certainly hang up on me if I am talking to him on the phone, or sometimes he has even just kicked me out of the place he is staying. The situation makes me so fearful of expressing my true thoughts and emotions with him. It is seems to always go wrong, no matter what I say.

In reality, I think I need to ask myself, “What is he afraid of?”, “What is his inner motivation for responding to this in this way?” He may be afraid of conflict and have no well-developed skills for dealing with conflict. Is he insecure about himself and his own feelings? What motivates him to be so forceful in his attempts to have no one ever display any sense of displeasure with his behavior?

He does not many friends per say, just I also do not. He reacts the same way with his Mother, Sister, and any relationship he has had with any woman. He is currently what I would consider to be estranged from both his Mom and Sister at the current moment. He hasn’t spent any time with them in quite a while, and what a close knit small family they have been in the past. His fear, whatever it stems from, has just about sabotaged every relationship he has ever had. The recent past has been getting better. I am able to express my feelings somewhat more to him and have it be a positive experience; however, the conversation cannot last more than a few moments before he begins to feel frustration.

Do you have someone in your life that exhibits self-sabotaging behavior in their relationships and the relationship they share with you? A challenge you can give yourself, which I am also going to give a try the next time this happens with us, is to ask yourself, “What fears may cause them to act as they do.”

What fears do you think cause Shane to act as he does?

How should his fear affect the way I respond to him?

Your thoughts and similar experiences are very welcome.

[x_BabyG_x]

I'm sorry you are experiencing these fearful emotions around your partner Rabbit (((hugs)))).

I was in a similar relationship for a long time. I had alot of issues, with depression, anxiety and particularly with self-harm. I couldn't open up to him either, in similar fear of him shouting at me, even calling me names and punching things in anger, (and also like yours, kicking me out of "his" flat even though I lived there and all my stuff was there too).

In the end, I realised how emotionally abusive he was towards me, not just for not allowing me to open up, but for his actions and hurtful words towards me. Even if it was him that made me feel the extreme emotions I felt, he began to start twisting it to make it seem like I was crazy. He got away with alot of things that way. He was a very angry man, and I kept alot of things to myself which made my mental health deteriorate.I only began truly recovering when I eventually left him. It saved my life.

I am in a different relationship now - even though it has been very difficult for me to trust another person after what happened with my ex. Its been hard but im getting there. There is such a difference between the way we communicate, especially reguarding my mental health. He knows how to listen, even if it can be draining for him at times, and he has become my safe haven, someone I feel comfortable talking to about everything.

You should be able to open up to your partner in any relationship, and in a helathy one they should be able to listen and respond appropriately. The difference between the two extremes of my relationships has provided me with the comfort of knowing I wouldnt settle for less than what I deserved.

Finally, I believe my ex was so angry and responded in the 'fearful' way he did due to a lack and an unwillingness to understand. From my experience I also know that he will never change in his approach to mental health and other peoples emotions.

I really hope this situation resolves for you. Just remember you need that support, in order to recover.

[foxracinggirl79]

WOW! This is an eye opener. My husband, I feel, is living with a "hurt or be hurt" mentality. He's always defensive, gets emotionally abusive and has punched a door. We've been married for almost a year. If he's getting comfortable, I think what's next? I'm scared of being abandoned, as I have been for so many years, and he's threatened to kick me out of our house....even started throwing my things on the front step.

My husband accuses me of the self-sabotaging behaviour. Maybe I do? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm thinking "hurt or be hurt" as well? Where is line of who is one way and who is another? This probably isn't helping but it really got me thinking.

[divine1966]

Your boyfriend is abusive. Kicking you out or hanging up on you or raise his voice and make it impossibly hard to share with him is controlling and possibly abusive. You are afraid of him ( understandably so as his behavior is scary)and that's horrible way to live ones life. Partners don't suppose to be scared of each other

I don't see any point in analyzing why he is abusive or if he is insecure or what is he afraid of.

We can only fix ourselves. I think it is more productive to analyze yourself: why are you staying with someone who treats you that bad. It is not important why he does what he does. What's important is what YOU do

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[Fallenangelrising29]

Im working on me, number one