[musicismyescape07]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place. I just felt the need to write this. Nobody has to read it of course. For as long as I can remember, I have been EXTREMELY shy, timid, and socially awkward. Also for as long as I can remember, when people ask me to hang out or go somewhere with them I struggle with deciding on what to do. It could be family, close friends, or people I know/like but don’t know well enough…it don’t matter who. All I know is a war rages in my head. It’s like, I do want to go out and do these things but then again I don’t. Most of the time I just can’t make myself go but most of the time when I don’t, I end up regretting it. There have been moments, some short, some long, where I can either make myself go out or I’m just in a good mood and I WANT to go so I do and I usually enjoy myself. Sometimes I’m just a little anxious, stand-offish, and awkward and I feel like I shouldn’t be there. Well, recently it has gotten worse. Even though I don’t get many offers or invites anymore (I guess people have learned), 99% of the time I just can’t make myself go. I’ve also suffered from not setting boundaries and telling people “no” when I should or want to. Over the years, people have asked for MANY “favors” and I always end up doing them even if I don’t want to because it’s so, so hard to say no to people. So that’s another war that’s going on in my head. It’s like, somebody asks me to go somewhere and I kind of want to but I mostly don’t but I can’t flat out say no I don’t want to. So then it takes a while to work up the courage to give them an excuse of why I can’t go. Then I beat myself up for lying and not going. Also here recently, I’ve got to the point where I just don’t want any family or friends messaging me at all (my heart drops every time my phone goes off now), even if it’s just for a simple conversation because I’m scared they will ask me to go somewhere BUT…I’m so scared they WILL actually stop messaging me altogether and just walk out of my life. I just don’t know what’s going on. I do enjoy having alone time but not always…

[Skeezyks]

Hello musicismyescape07: I'm sorry you are struggling with this. It does seem like these sorts of things have a way of becoming gradually more involved. I know, in my own case, I've come to a point in my life where I am almost entirely solitary, by choice. I'm married. But otherwise I have no contact with anyone, in real life. It wasn't always that way. But, over the years, it is simply how I have "evolved", so to speak. The good thing is, in my case, I'm an older person. So it's easier. I don't have any suggestions to offer you here. I simply wanted to share my experience. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find a way to stop the "warring" within & find deep peace...

[musicismyescape07]

Thank you . I'm worried that I'll be like this in the future and I'm not sure I'm ready for that because I'm 26 and have hardly no life experience. But it is what it is...maybe I will find a way to help myself out and make peace with it.

[BrazenApogee]

I have had periods like this in my life. Then I get a good therapist and I start to feel better and get out more and my life improves. I don't know exactly why this is. Perhaps the interaction with the Therapist helps me get out more by being a small relationship to bounce off of.

I would encourage you to consider what you are thinking when you refuse these offers. Is there something going on?

[musicismyescape07]

I believe a lot of it has to do with no self-esteem. Then sometimes I worry I'll do or say something that makes me look or sound stupid or they don't TRULY like me as much as I think they do and they probably think badly of me. Then sometimes I just don't want to go even though there's a small part of that kind of does...I don't know.

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[Nimportequoi]

Hello musicismyescape07
What you write sounds a lot like social anixiety and low self esteem. Did you look into Social Phobia or Avoidant Personality Disorder? Maybe this gives you an epiphany.

[musicismyescape07]

I've considered social anxiety but I don't know if my anxiety levels are "high enough". I had never heard of avoidant personality disorder until I read about it a month or so ago. It sounds a lot like what I struggle with but I don't like to "self-diagnose" myself. I also thought maybe it wasn't bad enough to be avpd seeing as how I can go out sometimes. So I don't know. Thank you for your reply.

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[PianogirlPlays]

I wish you could know how really special you are!

[Nimitri]

Originally Posted by musicismyescape07

I believe a lot of it has to do with no self-esteem. Then sometimes I worry I'll do or say something that makes me look or sound stupid or they don't TRULY like me as much as I think they do and they probably think badly of me. Then sometimes I just don't want to go even though there's a small part of that kind of does...I don't know.

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Yes, this happens to me also so much and for me, it's self steem. That I will annoy them or say something embarrasing or just be a pain to be with them. To force yourself to go because you know that latter you will feel terrible for cutting people out and be alone and ti will be all your fault.

Even know I feel it. I invited to a dinner a friend this last monday and my uncle offered not only his restaurant for free but ended paying my cab round trip. The food was delicious, I was astonished that my uncle, whom I was never close, acted so kindly and I got the time with my friend. yet I couldn't stop thinking "The only thing I do is complain" "say something interesting" "only listen to him, that's what people like" " be positivie" "don't rehash conversation" and so on. Even days later, I'm happy from going but I feel regret of how it hink I acted and I feel so confused.

I'm 29 in three weeks and I have been alone for most of my life. Mostly, It had been my fault (I think) and my lack of social grace and the myriad of problems I came with in middle and high school and my complete shut in in university.

You are not alone, not in this. It's hard and what I can advice you is: try it step by step. One at the time. It's hard and as you can see, I seem to get one up and two down but I think is helping me. For example, it had been almost a month since I got this massive feeling of loneliness that I even got a thread up but after that I feel right now more calm. Even when I confronted a friend today for an online card game that he stup me up I managed to act calmly about the issue and right now I feel more at ease.

You can get out of it and, as an example with my mother, she only at her 62 years old had managed to be with herself most of the time and yet she go to breakfasts and clubs every other day. There is time for both of us.

[musicismyescape07]

Yeah it's not fun living like this. I'm glad you seem to be doing a little better. I guess I just need to make myself step out of my comfort zone. Thank you for your reply.

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